Abandonment and leaving, I don't get it.

[VeganButEatMyMea]

So if pwBPD fear abandonment why do 99% of them just leave out of the blue?  I understand that some either have someone else lined up or in mind but there still some that are single for a (short) time... .they're still abandoned until finding new supply.

What triggers the splitting?:

In my case she was back in her home state visiting friends/family.  We have been trying to leave our current state for over 1 year.  While she was in her state I got a job offer that guaranteed we'd be leaving the state.  I sent her the good news and she was ecstatic... ."I can't wait till we move", "this is such good news for us" then the NEXT DAY she cheated on me, painted me black, pretty sure she's already on her 2nd "rebound". 

Why after I "won" (in the BPD's eyes), gave her good news, gave her what she wanted she split me and left?

Now I'm not 100% yet but I'm 1000% better than d-day. Reading here and knowing that no matter what I did the relationship was doomed, and her next relationship is doomed, and with the ease she left me means there was never any love there... .has helped me immensely in moving forward.

[En1gma]

I think they would rather do a preemptive dump rather than face their greatest fear... .being dumped thus abandoned. They want to be in control, this is a way for them to control the situation ahead of time. It's totally irrational and makes no sense. Yes, none of their relationships will last unless they find someone that literally has nerves of steel and can take the mental and physical punishment indefinitely.

[gotbushels]

Hi VeganButEatMyMea   This is common topic but considered one of the most confusing.

pwBPDs fear of abandonment is considered a hallmark of the disorder. Despite this, it doesn't mean they will not abandon others.

When you get close enough to the BP, she may experience feelings of being trapped. So she is compelled to leave. The pain this person associates with this being trapped may be strong enough to push them out of a relationship.

But when a BP leaves, they lose their "supply", as you describe. This can be thought of as a reason why so often nons share that their pwBPD partners have their partners ending and starting a chain of relationships. If they are able to do so, they are much more likely to.

What triggers the splitting?:
... .
Why after I "won" (in the BPD's eyes), gave her good news, gave her what she wanted she split me and left?

There may be no one reason at a given time for the behaviour of a pwBPD. The reason may also hold momentarily, but such a thing has been described as standing on mud. Each pwBPD is also unique in their lead-up to the behaviours. There'll therefore be large amount of unknown and uncertainty around this discussion.

It's thought that "Splitting" is related to "all-or-nothing" thinking. This type of thinking seems very present in a pwBPD's life. Therefore, one general way that can lead the pwBPD to split is any idea where a pwBPD is using this form of thinking. What that means for you--unfortunately--is you may never know what "triggered" it at that specific point.

What you can know that may help you here is to observe the original nature of the "splitting". While it involved you at the point you describe--its origin had nothing to do with you. Therefore, you aren't responsible for its pre-existence. So no matter how much the results of this feels like an attack on your efforts to get that job, leave the state, and improve this relationship--it's not.

I hope this helps.   


You can read about cognitive distortions like all-or-nothing thinking here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.msg517733#msg517733

[apollotech]

Vegan,

They leave, many times, due to engulfment, feeling a loss of self in and/or through another individual. Engulfment is the push engine once it is triggered. Fear of abandonment will bring them closer, because, as you stated, they don't want to be alone, so maintaining the attachment is paramount. But, engulfment can overcome the fear of abandonment which results in their leaving and/or pushing the Non away. The pull/push behavior is very polarized, idealization (fear of abandonment=pull) and devaluation (engulfment=push) are the same extremes, but on different poles and with two very different outcomes.

They will also leave if the Non, in their mind, whether real or imagined, comes to be seen as an unsuitable bonding candidate (unsuitable to complete their fractured self). That is the root of the attachment disorder, the need to find someone to complete them, to replace the initial bond that they once had with a caregiver during very early childhood. Something went wrong there, either the attachment or detachment became fouled; as a result, the pwBPD never developed an autonomous self.

I hope that I haven't generated more questions than answers here. Simply put, fear of abandonment does not drive them away. It draws them closer.

[woundedPhoenix]

It is hard to get from Non's perspective.

But underneath that grown up partner still is a fearful child, that is highly needy of love, but is unable to trust love at the same time.
It's driven by traumas so deep and painful and it calls into action extreme defenses that have 'protected' them for all their lives.

And with "fearful child", you have to imagine fears of life and death. The loneliness feels like dying, the closeness fills like respiratory failure.
To a BPD this must feel like emotional waterboarding, and the deeper the relationship waters grow, the deeper these fears.

a BPD wants to be seen as 'perfect' in a way, to escape their feelings of worthlessness, yet close relationships end up uncovering our imperfections, that's just how it is, but to a BPD, no one can love their 'imperfect' self.

In the beginning of a relationship a BPD can manage those feelings inside, aided by the hormonal bliss of idealisation, and the intense start of these relationships.
The mirroring and love drugs initially create that illusion of perfection and safety, but it is not maintainable once the r/s is supposed to deepen.

And then a whole range of defenses kick in, and ussually the non reacts poorly to those defenses triggering even more fears. Hence Push Pull intensifies, and a vicious circle starts to destroy the relationship from the inside out.

On top of this, BPD's often stick around longer in either "abusive/emotionally unavailable" or "co-dependant" relationships, two opposite unhealthy ends, the abusive r/s is dominant in triggering their abandonment fears, the co-dependant r/s ussually triggers engulfment fears more.

And in the end they devalue and leave their partners because they feel mistreated, abused and neglected in both types of relationships.

What they are ussually really running from is the fears inside of themselves.

 

 

[VeganButEatMyMea]

En1gma, gotbushels, apollotech, woundedPhoenix: thank you very much for taking your time to post, I've read each and every word you've written, more than once, and I'll be back to read them again.  You've answered a lot of my questions and thank you.

I'm pretty sure we lasted so long because I may be codependent, or at least acted that way at the end. I remember at the beginning of our relationship I used to tell her "I can't make you happy, only YOU can make YOU happy" and I acted that way... I was very selfish, I was even selfish after we had our son, but then my son turned 2, started talking, walking and I ABSOLUTELY fell in love with him (yea I know that sounds bad but I never connected with him when he was a pure dependent). I then transitioned from "selfish me" (emotionally unavailable) to "daddy me" (codependent)  

Looking back I can't actually pinpoint when the devaluing started but I know I felt a difference and I responded by trying harder: never saying no to her, stopped being selfish, watching my tongue as to not upset her, verbally trying to convince her we were made for each other, etc.  

[woundedPhoenix]

I then transitioned from "selfish me" (emotionally unavailable) to "daddy me" (codependent)  

I kind of recognize that. I wasn't really "Selfish", but certainly emotionally unavailable to an extend.
And when i finally dropped the wall and tried to make myself more available, two things happened:

1. I became vulnerable, whereas before i could shield off any of the rages and distancing behaviours - sometimes even found them funny - now they started to hurt
2. I assume it kind of ended the chase for her, i finally gave my hearth to her, and the attraction waned

[FallenOne]

In my case she was back in her home state visiting friends/family.  We have been trying to leave our current state for over 1 year.  While she was in her state I got a job offer that guaranteed we'd be leaving the state.  I sent her the good news and she was ecstatic... ."I can't wait till we move", "this is such good news for us" then the NEXT DAY she cheated on me, painted me black, pretty sure she's already on her 2nd "rebound". 

Why after I "won" (in the BPD's eyes), gave her good news, gave her what she wanted she split me and left?

I wanted to chime in here and offer my opinion on something... I believe her fear of engulfment was triggered by the overwhelming feelings she probably had about moving, your new job, big changes etc... This is a lot for someone to take in and for a BPD it can be extremely overwhelming.

They lack self control... The cheating probably wasn't intended to hurt you, but to soothe her pain... I know that probably sounds like BS (because from our perspective it is) but it's just an unhealthy coping mechanism.

[Curiously1]

1. I became vulnerable, whereas before i could shield off any of the rages and distancing behaviours - sometimes even found them funny - now they started to hurt
2. I assume it kind of ended the chase for her, i finally gave my hearth to her, and the attraction waned

WoundedPhoenix I was the exact same way. Everything appeared better when I was less emotionally attached. Completely idealised and admired possibly for appearing strong. The more I got comfortable and showed my vulnerabilities as well, the worse it became.

[apollotech]

WoundedPhoenix I was the exact same way. Everything appeared better when I was less emotionally attached. Completely idealised and admired possibly for appearing strong. The more I got comfortable and showed my vulnerabilities as well, the worse it became.

There's a perfect example ^^^^ of the Abandonment and Engulfment being triggered based off of the closeness/intimacy in the relationship at the time. Being less available triggered Abandonment (idealization); whereas, vulnerability (the possibility of closer intimacy) triggered Engulfment (devaluation).

[SWLSR]

Vegan it has been six years since mine left me.  I am so much better now than I was but apart of me will never be the same.  I say this about most of us nons we will never truly fully recover, but most of us will manage to move on.  Why they do this is hard to say, I think it is because they don't truly know how to be happy and they are forever trying to find it.  We come into there lives on the hope that we are the happy pill but when we fail them they escape us.  If we are truly lucky we never see them again.

[Curiously1]

  apollotech
Yes. And sometimes this swing of triggering fear of abandonment and engulfment makes it so damn hard to be with them long term. Yes there are tools to make a relationship better but depending on your individual pwBPD, it truly is up to them and their capacity to make it work too. You can adjust yourself sure, to an extent, but there will always be uncertainty in a relationship, and in the end it is up to two people to make a relationship work. Otherwise you will forever be walking on eggshells or blaming yourself if the tools don't work out for your relationship particularly. I just find that us nons try so hard and depending on the situation you find that you are the only one actively trying to make the relationship work. Which is a pretty depressing and hopeless position to be in.
I like the quote that I keep seeing on this forum "You Didn't Cause It; You Can't Control or Cure It."
You can only do your best and hope that the pwBPD works well to get better themselves.

[woundedPhoenix]

There's a perfect example ^^^^ of the Abandonment and Engulfment being triggered based off of the closeness/intimacy in the relationship at the time. Being less available triggered Abandonment (idealization); whereas, vulnerability (the possibility of closer intimacy) triggered Engulfment (devaluation).

There is even a schema therapy explanation for it. a BPD spends most of the time in DETACHED PROTECTOR mode, irony is that they look for seemingly strong and emotionally unsheakable men, ussually those that are locked in a DETACHED PROTECTOR state themselves. This allows a BPD the safety to come out of a DETACHED PROTECTOR state themselves and feel and adore without limits.

But then when the partner feels safe enough or becomes confused he can no longer be in the BPD r/s approaching things mostly rationally, and he drops the DETACHED PROTECTOR, it causes the BPD to crawl back into the DETACHED PROTECTOR, escaping the treath of intimacy.

DETACHED PROTECOR is a coping state where you are kind of disconnected from your true inner feelings and needs, avoiding deeper intimacy and approaching life with rationality. It is a survival mechanism ussually caused by earlier Trauma, and is aimed at not getting hurt.

[Bamboo]

This is an illuminating thread. Thank you to all who have contributed.

[broken_888]

I kind of recognize that. I wasn't really "Selfish", but certainly emotionally unavailable to an extend.
And when i finally dropped the wall and tried to make myself more available, two things happened:

1. I became vulnerable, whereas before i could shield off any of the rages and distancing behaviours - sometimes even found them funny - now they started to hurt
2. I assume it kind of ended the chase for her, i finally gave my hearth to her, and the attraction waned

Yes, this resonates with me.  In the end I could tell she was really hurting and the more I tried to be there the worse I made it.  She implied I was being a pussy for caring about her when all she wanted was to be left alone... .  Once in a while though she was conscious of what she was doing and would tell me the truth.  That she hates herself and is a bad person who doesn't deserve to be loved... .  It broke my heart hearing that.