Why did he rage at me when he left me for my replacement?

[mjssmom]

I hope some of you are familiar with my story but a brief breakdown.  My xBPDbf went overnight from wanting a commitment from me and wanting me to move in with him to literally the next day completely cutting off all forms of communication and leaving me for my replacement.  I found out recently he had a profile online for the month of December searching for my replacement the entire time he was still behaving very lovingly and expressing to me he wanted us to be together forever. 

To add salt to the wounds, he paraded her around on FB with happy looking pics of them and immediately announcing they are in a relationship.  Yet I know they barely knew each other.  Several days later he blocked me there too.

He and this woman barely knew each other at the time he dumped me as I confronted her and she admitted she only knew him a month.  I know she lives over 100 miles from him and that his other time was spent with me, so  by the point of him breaking up with me, they had only spent one weekend together I'm able to calculate.  They literally could have only spent 3 days together on a weekend I was working at the time of breakup on 12/31.  I know they can only spend weekends together due to his job, it's not feasible for him to see her during the week and nosy friends of mine are telling me I'm right when they look at his FB because he posts their comings and goings publicly like he did with us and everything else he posts. 

In hindsight, it seems to me that he seemed sad in December even though he was searching online behind my back, dropping hints that he needed me that month and was also trying to hang onto me. Was he telling me he didn't really want to have to turn to another woman for validation?  It's weird because when I add up the number of days they could have spent together to this point, it's only 18.  That's a relationship to him and her?  Really?

The sudden cut off provoked an extreme reaction from me of shock and panic trying to get an explanation for this sudden break up by calling and texts that all went unanswered.  Finally 2 days later he called me going into a furious rage saying he hated me, never wanted to see me again and that if I were in front of him, he'd bash my face in.  He said he found someone new and owed me no explanation.  He was screaming at me, wouldn't let me talk.  It was so extremely angry but I just don't understand why?  Where does this extreme rage come from?  I can't even begin to describe it's intensity!  I can't bring myself to believe he actually hates me.  In there somewhere it sounded like hurt.  Is that right or just something I'm needing to believe?  How does rage work in our pwBPD?  What provokes it?

At the time and even still, it seems like this was deliberately calculated to take advantage of what he knew would hurt me the most. Like what he is doing is meant to punish me and teach me a lesson even though I have no clue what I did.  Can someone give me some insight to this dynamic?  I just don't understand the role of this extreme rage he has towards me.

[infjEpic]

Was he telling me he didn't really want to have to turn to another woman for validation? 

No.
Rational people may do that.
People with BPD are not rational.

There is nothing you could have done. It's not your fault

It's weird because when I add up the number of days they could have spent together to this point, it's only 18.  That's a relationship to him and her?  Really?

You are trying to apply sane thinking to a disorder which sits on the borderline of sanity & insanity.
 

It was so extremely angry but I just don't understand why? Where does this extreme rage come from? 

It's very difficult to know.

There are multiple types of triggers:
Fear of abandonment is the prevailing motive.

That doesn't mean you have even implied you will abandon them.
They merely need to feel the sensation, and that is sufficient for it to become their reality.

I can't even begin to describe it's intensity!  I can't bring myself to believe he actually hates me.  In there somewhere it sounded like hurt.  Is that right or just something I'm needing to believe?  How does rage work in our pwBPD?  What provokes it?

Typically, the fear of abandonment.
There are various traits, such as Narcissistic traits and/or Antisocial traits.

These enhance the likelihood of violence. Given the rage you are describing - it would be safer to eliminate all possible forms of communication.

At the time and even still, it seems like this was deliberately calculated to take advantage of what he knew would hurt me the most.

Unfortunately, that's routine for people with BPD.
They are very skilled at delivering the maximum pain.

Like what he is doing is meant to punish me and teach me a lesson even though I have no clue what I did.  Can someone give me some insight to this dynamic?  I just don't understand the role of this extreme rage he has towards me.

BPD follows a cycle:
Idolise/Devalue/Discard

They are not capable of holding conflicting emotions, therefore you are all good, or all bad.

You have reached the final phase of the cycle. And are now all bad.

There is nothing you could have done. It's not your fault

[ynwa]

Hey hey hey there Mjs!

You again have done a great job of being honest and working things through.  It can't be easy, especially as it seems everything ends with a question? No real answers.  Just feelings?

That's how someone disordered with BPD deals with life.  Not a lot of reflection, no real reasoning as to why and how they are feeling.  They turn emotion to fact. Because there is no understanding of themselves.

For them Rage is easy.  It's clean.  It drowns out everything else. The difference between angry and rage?  No responsibility. He knows that YOU will respond with confusion and anger and will react in such a way, that he can walk away from an angry, spiteful person.   As you said, the moment was manufactured.  He blew it up and walked away.  And sadly he has no idea he created it, and if he does, he will hide it down low as he has every other time.  And that will feed the next rage.

He then turns to someone new, who has no idea who he really is.  All they see is the attentions and love.  But they will.  It's called a cycle.  Idealize/Devalue/Discard.

So they don't ever have to figure themselves out, they project it into you.  They can't accept those emotions?  Your fault.  Unable to accept the blame.  Your fault.

But isn't. It's not your fault.  It's so complex, so invisible to us, we think it must be.   But stand back and see it for what it is.

Disorder.  And you are trying to make sense of it. 

[schwing]

Hi mjssmom and

The sudden cut off provoked an extreme reaction from me of shock and panic trying to get an explanation for this sudden break up by calling and texts that all went unanswered.  Finally 2 days later he called me going into a furious rage saying he hated me, never wanted to see me again and that if I were in front of him, he'd bash my face in.  He said he found someone new and owed me no explanation.  He was screaming at me, wouldn't let me talk.  It was so extremely angry but I just don't understand why?  Where does this extreme rage come from?  I can't even begin to describe it's intensity!  I can't bring myself to believe he actually hates me.  In there somewhere it sounded like hurt.  Is that right or just something I'm needing to believe?  How does rage work in our pwBPD?  What provokes it?

My understanding of this disorder is that people with BPD (pwBPD) seem to suffer from a kind of post traumatic stress disorder.  The primary trauma from which they seem unable to resolve (or spend most of their adult lives avoiding to resolve) possibly occurred during early development.  Some pwBPD experienced some kind of abandonment or betrayal trauma -- some pwBPD experience trauma from persistent denigration -- some of the trauma may have been only perceived (i.e. imagined) and not necessarily real.

In any case, contexts of intimacy and familiarity seem to trigger the feelings (not necessarily the memories) from the past trauma.

So in a sense, the anger that he expressed to you, obviously had little to do with how you actually treated him in your relationship.  Rather, as he became more intimately attached to and familiar with you, this triggered his disordered feelings (and possible feelings associated with his past trauma).

From his perspective (as I imagine it), the closer he felt towards you, the more he become overwhelmed by this unexplained (to him) fear that you mean to abandon/betray (or denigrate) him. This is perhaps why he felt motivated to seek out another partner while he was with you.  You see, in order to avoid being "abandoned" he could be the first one to abandon (which is essentially what he did to you).  :)uring your relationship, each time he felt certain that you meant to abandon/betray him (probably whenever he felt particularly close to you), he found respite from someone new, someone with whom he did not have any familiarity or true intimacy (essentially a stranger).  And when his disordered feelings abated, he would be able to come back to you... .at least until his disordered feelings overwhelmed him again.

My xBPDbf went overnight from wanting a commitment from me and wanting me to move in with him to literally the next day completely cutting off all forms of communication and leaving me for my replacement.

While he was with you, he would insist that you express your commitment to him -- as a way to antidote his fear that you would leave him.  But he was assuming that you are the cause of his fear.  I don't think he is ready/able to accept that these disordered feelings come from himself (and perhaps his past).

He is able to be with the new partner because the new partner has not gotten close enough to him to trigger his disorder feelings at least not to the degree that you have.  This was how he was able to seduce you.  In the beginning of your relationship, he was not so overwhelmed by his disordered feelings.  But eventually, his disordered feelings do catch up to him.

At the time and even still, it seems like this was deliberately calculated to take advantage of what he knew would hurt me the most. Like what he is doing is meant to punish me and teach me a lesson even though I have no clue what I did.  Can someone give me some insight to this dynamic?  I just don't understand the role of this extreme rage he has towards me.

As I imagine it, while he was with you, he was motivated to keep you close and dependent upon him in order to minimize the change that you would want to leave him.  He would be motivated to hide his disordered feelings because any suggestion that something is wrong with him could perhaps give you cause to leave him.  And while you were not with him (because you cannot be with him 24 hours a day), he was probably struggling with these same feelings from which he only found solace by courting another woman.

I hope you find some of this helpful.

Best wishes, Schwing

[mjssmom]

So if he felt so intimate with me that he had to abandon me, does that mean he really did love me?  Is he capable of that emotion even?  Am I at risk of being recycled after this current relationship implodes?  Right now I just feel so vulnerable.

[ynwa]

Hey MJSS,
When we discuss the behaviors of people with BPD, it's part of a spectrum.  There are several factors that decide how severely a person is affected by the disorder. MOST people show "traits". Meaning they do well in everyday life to an extent, but the more intimate and close a relationship is, like a sibling, child, or especially a loved one the traits show themselves more.  The traits can vary and even how they come and go is not exact.  It's very much like when you have a cold. Sometimes it's in your chest, sometimes in your head, or sometimes a combination.  So in describing the problems related to your loved one, it's never going to the same twice.   Does that make sense? 

And I know it doesn't make it easier to feel it happening.  It's more than just telling someone you have a cold right?

So.  You asked about love.  He probably does love you.  In HIS world, love is complicated.  But that he is capable of reciprocating love in the way you want and deserve?  Again, not something that's easy to digest.

Yes, it is possible he may come back, or check in. But learning to detach and disengage, is part of the process of creating space for yourself to deal with this part.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56295.0

I know this is a lot of information.  For myself, I am just heading into 2 full months of separation from my ex.  I didn't know anything about BPD. my relationship went through some serious ups and downs, and got to be abusive.  At first, I wanted to do anything and everything to get through to her.  It took time for me to breathe and see how I was so lost and hurt.  I'm still coming to terms with it.

This is going to take time, no matter what happens MJSS.  Be open to your feelings good and bad, and know that for now, it's ok to be and work on you. 
Go see a fun movie, have a night at dinner, something you can share with friends or family and help you take a breather.  That vulnerable feeling is going to ebb and flow, but surrounding yourself with support will make it easier.

You have been through a lot.  Be good to yourself. Ok?

[infjEpic]

So if he felt so intimate with me that he had to abandon me, does that mean he really did love me? 
Is he capable of that emotion even? 

There are interesting posts from recovering pwBPD on this forum in the workshop section.
They say that they were not capable of love at the time before they received treatment.
It was more a sensation of filling a void, or having a need met.

Am I at risk of being recycled after this current relationship implodes?  Right now I just feel so vulnerable.

That's entirely up to you.
If you choose not to be recycled, then you cannot be.
When you are ready to draw a line in the sand, and say no more pain - then you go FULL NC and stay FULL NC.

NC is the only solution, in order for the recovery process to begin.

You feel vulnerable now, but honestly - in a short time - you will be strong enough and sufficiently well educated on BPD, that you could use your knowledge of the disorder to cast your ex into a burning pit of emotional despair, just like he did to you, if you so chose to.

You won't tho.
You will recover and will go on to have a happy, healthy & fulfilling relationship - something your ex will never have.

[Herodias]

Sorry you went through that... .When he said he would bash your face in, I would believe him. That's not what rational people say to each other. I think they rage at us to justify their actions... .Be very careful and take this seriously. I think they love us when they are with us, but not in the same way we feel love.