Is she done with me? Got a lot of messages on phone

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It has been one month without contact.
I reached out to her and she sent me a lot of messages saying basically this.

"I don't see my self with you anymore, im a lot better and my psych lowered my medication. Im meeting new people and relating to new people, you should do that too.
We had nothing in common, and i always wanted to talk to you about my depressions and you would almost ignore me, i became emotionally conected with other people."
"thanks for teaching me i don't need to be jealous in a r/s, on the next one i will not be the jealous type."

[noideaforname]

It has been one month without contact.
I reached out to her and she sent me a lot of messages saying basically this.

"I don't see my self with you anymore, im a lot better and my psych lowered my medication. Im meeting new people and relating to new people, you should do that too.
We had nothing in common, and i always wanted to talk to you about my depressions and you would almost ignore me, i became emotionally conected with other people."
"thanks for teaching me i don't need to be jealous in a r/s, on the next one i will not be the jealous type."

[joeramabeme]

Hi no idea

Sounds/Reads like she has made some decisions.  Are you hoping that she will change her mind about what she is saying or hoping that perhaps she doesn't really mean what she is saying?

Does she typically leave a lot of messages for you?

[noideaforname]

she actually never leaves messages for me... .i just feel guilty... .and trying to forget about this r/s

[Mutt]

Hi noideaforname,



We have one side of the conversation, her response, what did you say? What inspired you to reach out to her?

Why do you feel guilty? Do you feel like you're at fault for the break-up?

[noideaforname]

i reached out to her to get some sort of closure because all talks before that one she gave me mixed feelings.
so i talked to her about the situation... .what was on her mind when she thought of us... .and that was her response.

yes i feel it was my fault... .i didn't understood her need for attention and sometimes and didn't had patience when she had some sort of explosion

[Mutt]

We're only human, therapists that have clients that are BPD have training and may see their clients with BPD for a few hours a week, they end their work day and join loved ones at home, they're separated from their clients.

We're not trained professionals and were around BPD behaviors 24/7. A pwBPD know how to push our buttons, and will push all of our buttons because they know what we don't feel comfortable about ourselves, may things that we feel ashamed about.

Reaching out for closure makes sense, it's hard to not receive closure from our exes and we're also I self protection with no contact, which is difficult when we were in a r/s with that person. It's hard. Many members on this board including myself had to give ourselves closure. You can give yourself closure.

When we relate often with a person we develop a r/s, a r/s are transactions back and forth between two people. Don't take the lion's share of the blame, take what you own examine it, learn from it and use it in r/s's with friends, family and romantic partners. Your ex doesn't have that opportunity, she doesn't grieve r/s's the same way that we do, a pwBPD have inhibited grieving.

From how I read her response to you is that she's happily moved on, we'll I you've moved on you usual y don't declare it because you've moved on   Don't be hard on yourself, she has her share in the r/s that she's not dealing with and bringing the same issues she had with you into the next one, things are not going to be different in her r/s's and that's not because of you, it's because of her and how she is.

[K.G.]

You have to stop feeling guilty, and that it's your fault and you didn't do enough, or understand her. If you read many of the posts on here you will see that many persons went over and above the call of duty to accommodated their partners. And it didn't make a difference.
I have read a lot on borderline disorder. It's so complex. An interplay of trauma, biology, neuroscience whereby the brain is affected and everything distorted. How can we win against that? I also posted on here and said I felt bad when my partner was trying to tell me how he felt and I just didn't understand. But now I don't feel that way anymore. It's true, my responses could have been more reassuring, I could have listened more, I could have been more accommodating. But I am human. I had my needs too. I had my off days also. And,  above all, I am not superwoman.
Don't be hard on yourself. It's such a complex disorder. Our partners appear to be great and loving people and we forgive to much. In the end, I forgot myself. Don't forget the positive things you did do.

[noideaforname]

at my mind i can understand everything everybody said... .and i thank everybody for the support.
but at my heart things are so messy.
The way she is acting rational right now makes me think i was a bad person who couldn't support her.
I mean when she was with me she would be happy and sad within minutes... .she would never talk about anything i wanted... .just her.
and still i love her. maybe she was just narcisistic... .because i don't see nothing borderline about her anymore when we talk.
but it was a psych who analysed her and came to the BPD conclusion about her... .well... .im confused and i wanted to die but i can't commit suicide because i don't have the guts... .
i just wanted to end my thoughts about all this.

[SuperJew82]

No, she is crafting her messages to invoke an emotional response from you. "It's your fault all this happened. Now that you are gone, my doctors say I'm better. I'm improved now, and you should be jealous." I'm sure there are more. I've been through this.

You really think someone can really change in that short of time period?

It's all a tactic and it's most likely a bunch of lies. It looks like it's working - this is why I think NC is the best choice.

[noideaforname]

its going to be really hard going nc... .i mean unless i drop out of university... .she is in my class and we  have the same friends.
funny... .we study psychology

[FSTL]

I got my uBPDx into therapy and also on to meds.

She had the balls to blame me (or our r/s) for her depression, even though she had it for years before she met me.

She cheated on me and it made me mad that I had helped her her treatment, which the other guy would benefit from. She then announced she was off her anti-depressant meds. I felt like it was a screw you to me (ie I am not depressed as we're not together, even though she had suicidal thoughts after we split up)

But then I had coffee with her weeks later and she told me how depressed she was, how empty she felt, how aimless her life was.

I mention this after the last post because it is easy to think that they will change after they leave us or that therapy will miraculously cure them.

Based on my experience, they do not change quickly. The only thing I noticed with my uBPDx is that she kept/keeps my replacement at some distance or prefers unavailable guys. I am sure I know why - to avoid getting engulfed.  But that isn't a healthy relationship and is just a band aid that gives her a little emotional connection, but not too much. With all of them, she comes back to me for true emotional connection and to share her inner most thoughts... .but then she bails on me as she is scared of being too close. There's nothing I can do about it, so have told her to give me space for a while and that I don't want a relationship.

I am certain mine will be back and I think the original poster would be right to think his might come back as well. But the question is... .do you want them to?

[Rayban]

Seeing her at school is going to be tricky.  I think at this point is to well ... .follow her advice and meet people with the same interests as your self. Keep your head up.  :)on't hide just do what's necessary to remain NC .

I don't know if she's done but you should be.  I see F.O.G here. You fear that she is done with you and you feel obligated to accept her reality.  You feel guilty that you didn't do enough for her.  :)on't spend more time thinking maybe if. It will never be enough.

[iceonthehorizon]

Hi noideaforname,

 Let her go, what you are really asking deep down is, "oh my god, is that it is she gone, I really hope not". Really this is what you mean, it has been 1 month, notice how you mention that first and it is telling, it is an important number to you that it has been 1 month, if you didn't care you would not remember how long it has been.

 Listen pal, this isn't about her, this is about you and struggling to get to grips with reality. She has gone, she could come back, but if she truly has BPD then the best thing for your life going forward is to never hear from her again.

Mine left me, huge arguments, horrible horrible things said that any normal person would just run a mile from on both sides, happens when you are at an emotional breaking point. Then a few months later, just reappeared and carried on like we never broke up. Worst mistake we could have made and led to so much worse pain than the first time around. Believe me and others and this forum, you don't want them to get back into your life, they are BROKEN, yes they may look nice on the outside but on the inside they are just irrational and send you junk messages like the one you have received. Stop ruminating over it and go out there and enjoy your life. If she comes back to you, then without failure you will be back on this board in a few months or even weeks time in a much worse state.

Stay Strong there are a lot of amazing people out there, love yourself and they will find you!

[noideaforname]

well... .i have to admit you are right... .im in complete F.O.G... .
it's been hard... .i've always been a kind of lonely person... .and i liked her... .i have my problems with sharing emotions and all... .but i liked her.

i know i have to forget... .its hard... .
According to her doctor she has anxiety, depression and BPD.
But all the times we talked she was much more rational than i could ever be... .before the break up she would have some sort of sadness everyday.

well... .i will start therapy in 2 days... .i hope i can fix my line of thinking about all this.
Seeing her at school will be hard... .i have maybe one month before classes start again... .
i will try to make the best i can to get better until the days i will have to see her everyday.

[Gear Jammer]

She's the one that broke up with you that's a good thing she's in control which she likes, seeing as you still have to see each other it was best that it happened the way it did. In my case I cut off the BPD we still had to see each other as we worked in the same building. She couldn't stand seeing me she said it made her sick to her stomach being around me. It got so bad for her she started plotting revenge to get rid of me.

The problem was we were close she had a deeper emotional connection with me than she does with her current BF. When she wanted somebody to talk to she could come to me, she could be herself with me when things were not going so well in her life she would have some quiet time. She knew she had problems she worked really hard to try change but it never did happen.

When I cut her off it triggered her abandonment fears my life turned ugly I had sort of a plan together if I had to leave my place of work which I had to leave. If I knew better I should have left things well enough alone but I was tired of her taking out her displeasure on me she wasn't happy with her BF.

Your going to school you don't want to be screwing around so tread lightly be nice to her but also keep your distance as well. She could possibly make things really ugly for you so watch your back. Never crap where you eat in your case never crap where you go to school. You've got so much time invested in school you don't want to be screwing it up.

[noideaforname]

yeah... .she was respecting the nc... .it was i that reached out so we could have a talk without mixed feelings... .and she gave me one... .

From what i know about her from previous r/s... .she kinda respects the NC thing... .
but yeah... .she talks about not having a r/s never again and 3 minutes later talks about how she can't wait for her next r/s because the next will work out... .

i will not reach her anymore... .im going on some dates and leaving this behind... .its hard for me because she blames for me for so much that my mind kinda remembers the way she told things happened.

Seeing her everyday can be just a matter of her being at the same class since before we had anything we wouldn't say hello to each other and all.

[Rayban]

Respect her wishes.  I know it's hard when you still have feelings for her. Make it your mission to do well at school. Make that a priority. You'll gain self confidence to attract people who are able to appreciate that. Don't give her the pleasure of seeing you down.  Meet new people  ... .strive to be happy and accept her wishes.  You deserve better then what she has to offer.

[noideaforname]

that part is clear to me... .i have to respect her wishes because its a matter of social respect... .
she doesn't want me reaching her... .
so now i have to work on my self and be prepared for her and the things she will do to "attack" me at the university... .i mean not directly... .
but i guess she could take actions to me make jealous... .as she knows i wanted to get back together... .but i guess with time she will see me as just another one

[Gear Jammer]

You don't want her knowing you are dating other woman, let her see your happy and that's it. You may end up with issues of her getting jealous you don't need that.

I know with the BPD I was with she hated seeing me happy she would try her hardest to make me unhappy like her.

As I said tread lightly around her she could turn your life upside down in a blink of a eye.