Crisis of Faith (Christian)

[cosmonaut]

Anyone else felt that their experience with BPD has really shaken their faith?  I'm struggling with that.  I guess I have for a while.  And I hate it.  I can feel myself slipping into nihilism again.  

I spent a good while as a young man that way.  Angry.  Atheist.  :)irectionless.  :)issatisfied.  Science saved me in a way from that feeling of meaninglessness and emptiness.  I did much better once I began college and my life became about science.  I was actually a very religious child.  I believed fervently in God and Jesus.  I prayed regularly.  Went to church.  Attended Sunday school.  My grandmother had given me a children's Bible and book of proverbs for children and I would read those almost every night.  Then, I started having problems as a preteen.  Kind of generally in life.  I started getting sick, but I didn't know it then.  I've got bipolar disorder, and it's pretty likely that was when it started rearing its ugly head.  Anyway, I won't get into all that.  But somewhere along the way, I lost my faith.  Like all of it.  It was in my mid 20s that I started to believe again.  It started slowly.  A little flicker of faith.  But it grew, and eventually became a fire.

When I met my ex it was like suddenly everything in life made sense.  I mean everything.  Like it had to be by design.  It though it could only have been the hand of God.  I won't get into everything because it's way too revealing, but it was like everything in my life had been leading to this.  Even being sick.  All of my experiences added up perfectly.  Life had more than meaning.  More than purpose.  That fire of faith now became a star.  One of the things I love so much about my ex is how deep her faith is.  I cherished that.  On our first date she said our second date should be volunteering together.  We went looking for a church to attend together.  She was so interested in learning about what all of these different denominations believed.  She was fascinated by it.  She wanted to find a home for us.  Even typing this out I get choked up.  It meant so much to me.  So much.  Still does.

I just feel so betrayed.  I feel so awful for my ex and what she is going through, and I am just feeling lost myself.  I can't believe that God could allow something so good to be so destroyed.  It seems so pointless.  This isn't suffering for the faith.  Suffering to lead you closer to God.  This is just pointless, meaningless suffering.  Suffering that destroys faith.  I am so jealous of what I see so many of my friends having.  Weddings.  Baptisms.  Going to church together.  And I have nothing.  I wish I could say that at least I always have Jesus, but I am struggling to say that.  I feel completely abandoned.  Again.  Just like my ex did.  And I need Jesus so much.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?  Has this rocked your faith?  Have you been able to heal that rift?

[Chilibean13]

I am so glad you posted this. For the last 2 days I have been "wrestling with God". My uBPDh and I want to go do some very big things for God in the future, but I know that we cannot do those things if my H is dysregulating everyday. I felt like God was making me a promise that in 3 weeks, I would experience the freedom from the hurt from my H that I had been asking and praying for. Throughout this time my H has made some amazing insights into his behavior and motiavtions. We only argued a few times and the arguments never got heated. 3 weeks was on Sunday. This Sunday, my H dysregulated 3 times and it was worse than it had been in about a month.

That night, I became so angry with God. For the first time in my Christian life, I began to doubt his word and his promises. I felt hopeless and that nothing will ever change. I spent most of the night crying and yelling at God (in my head so I did not distrub my H sleeping next to me).

Yesterday I read about many of the biblical greats who went through their own crisis of faith. I know that no matter how mad I am at God, he is still God and I can throw fits, be angry, and hurt but in the end, He is still soverign. My head knows this but my heart did not want to accept it. And then I read Jer 20:7 "O Lord, you misled me and I allowed myself to be misled. You are stronger than I am, and you overpowered me." I was humbled. I found an article and thought of Elijah being chased out of town by a BPD/NPD character in the Bible--Jezebel.

Today my prayer has been, God please heal my hurt. "I believe but help my unbelief." (Mark 9:24). I keep reminding myself that even if God never ever does another good thing for me, he did enough on the cross. He took my sin when I was dead and he gave me life so that I may live. He never promised that life would be peachy. INstead he told us  "Come to me all who are heavy laden and I will give you rest." (Matt 11:28) That rest doesn't mean relief from the pain, it means comfort in him. It means ease for our mind. It means we trust him, regardless of how it looks or feels to us.

I'm not completely over my hurt but I'm getting there slowly. I know that it is not God's fault that my H has mental health issues and I have to remind myself that it is Satan who is our enemy. He comes to "steal, kill, and destroy." And that's what he is doing to not only my H sanity, but mine. Once I get out of my anger with God, I know I will come out fighting. I've been defeated a lot this year, but I am a spiritual warrior and I have God on my side! ANd I believe you will get there too. God will take our stories and use them to help others struggling through the same. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is even if you don't feel like it, stay in the word and pray. Keep the lines of communication with God open.

I do hope you can find hope again. I will be praying for you.

Here are the articles that helped me:

www.huffingtonpost.com/rick-mcdaniel/a-crisis-of-faith_b_3859864.html

https://lifesparkministries.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/if-god-never-does-anything-else-for-me-he%e2%80%99s-done-enough/

[cosmonaut]

Thanks, Chilibean.  I appreciate your insight, support, and prayers.   

I feel so angry too.  And abandoned.  That's the worst.  The feeling that God just doesn't care.  I have prayed so much about this, but He doesn't seem to respond.  I know mentally that God hears all prayers.  Christ assured us of this.  We have to remember the Israelites in slavery in Egypt who thought that God did not hear their prayers for deliverance.  I'm just having a really hard time feeling it in my heart.  It feels like another abandonment.  And it hurts.  A lot.  I want so much to turn to Jesus.  I need Him.  I think only He can heal this pain in my heart.

I know that suffering is not forever - that God has promised that He will make all things new.  That He will wipe away every tear.  I know that we are not to store up our treasure for this life, but for the next.  I know this.  And you are so right that Jesus never promised us that life as a Christian would be easy - far from it.  It's just again, that my heart is in such pain and I feel very alone.  I see so many around me happily married.  Having families.  Attending church together.  It cuts deep when I go alone.  Being alone.  Feeling alone.  I know Jesus has promised us that He will never forsaken us.  I just wish I could feel it.  And maybe it's me.  Maybe I'm not seeing God, when He has always been there.  I don't know.  I know Jesus cried out "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?".  Jesus understands what it means to suffer.  He knows what it feels like to hurt.  He knows what it feels like to be abandoned by those you love.  I know He identifies so intensely with our suffering that He says when we relieve the suffering of our fellow man, we do it to Him.  I've just gotten all twisted up about this.  I think you are right that Satan is the reason for BPD.  Something that tears people apart like this can only have been born in hell.  It is absolute evil.  And you are right that our partners are victims too.  And they suffer as we suffer.

I will pray for you and your husband too.  I'm so sorry for all the pain that you are both going through.

[13YearGoodbye]

My faith is not based on invisible things or people, but on what I can touch, or smell, or see right now today: trees, rocks, friends, good food, a functioning body, wind. So my faith is stronger than ever. I am not immersed in the FOG which had kept me from clearly seeing and appreciating the beauty that constantly surrounds me.

[cloudten]

My simple answers- yes, this has completely rocked my faith. No, I haven't been able to mend the rip.

It's almost like I feel hurt from all sides. I am hurting from the relationship. I am hurting that this was allowed to happen to me. I know it will serve a greater purpose as God works all things for good. But, it just hurts so bad. Sometimes it helps to read the psalms as david cries out to God... .why have you forsaken me. But I know he hasn't forsaken me... .I know something in this will bring me closer. Right now I am simply trying to maintain faith the size of a mustard seed.

[Learning_curve74]

I am not religious but strangely enough, I was just reading today about the crisis of faith known as the "dark night of the soul" in the Roman Catholic tradition. You may want to Google it for some insight. There are saints of that church that experienced this crisis and came through it, but I don't think you need to be a saint to recover your faith. Remember that Jesus on the cross felt forsaken but was not. God bless you.

[unicorn2014]

Hi cosmonaut, nice to meet you. We have close to the same number of posts. 

For me, while I didn't have a crisis of faith, my ex definitely created religious problems for me, however I am convert, so its possible he also just uncovered my religious problems. My ex has sociopathic traits, when I met him he was a lapsed Catholic. We converted to an older form of Christianity together, while my mother was a lapsed Catholic, I was nothing Christian when I met him. After the marriage he started using drugs again, and I had to divorce him when our daughter was 4. These days I find it hard to attend church because of the position I now find myself in. Church is very centered on family life and my FOO is not Christian and I am divorced. My ex also manipulates most people he comes in contact with.

I don't allow this to interfere with my relationship with God, however sometimes it definitely gets in my way relationship with the Body.

[cloudten]

we are all saints

[cloudten]

I think Unicorn brings up a great point... .your relationship with God and your relationship with the Body are two different things.

I do not attend worship as any part of any congregation simply for the reason unicorn stated- church is very centered on family life... .and being a single person, especially a hurting single person, can feel very defeating.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't have faith or maintain a relationship with God. I try. That relationship has suffered as I hurt... .but I haven't given up entirely. I know it will be worked for good.

If you don't feel like you can go to organized church, that's okay. Still try to pray and have that one-on-one relationship... .even if you are angry with Him.

[goodintentions]

Cosmonaut, thanks being transparent. Do you have a supportive faith community? Everyone wrestles with faith and doubt, especially when your world's been rocked.

Look up the song "Valley of Vision" (Sovereign Grace music). It may encourage you.

God can redeem even the worst of situations - Scripture is filled with examples. I pray you can find some peace in this trial you've been through.

[unicorn2014]

I think Unicorn brings up a great point... .your relationship with God and your relationship with the Body are two different things.

I do not attend worship as any part of any congregation simply for the reason unicorn stated- church is very centered on family life... .and being a single person, especially a hurting single person, can feel very defeating.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't have faith or maintain a relationship with God. I try. That relationship has suffered as I hurt... .but I haven't given up entirely. I know it will be worked for good.

If you don't feel like you can go to organized church, that's okay. Still try to pray and have that one-on-one relationship... .even if you are angry with Him.

Thank you cloud ten, I was able to attend church today and had a positive experience .

[dealingwithit]

Boy, am I here right now. We have been in ministry for many years. The reality hit me recently that this is a fake relationship. We are modeling something to other people that is not true. I told him and our Marriage Counselor I wasn't going to fake it anymore. I need to see God do something in our situation. This is the first time in 21 years I won't do ministry with my husband. I feel this will work itself out in time, but I refuse to do it on my own. God needs to step in and help.

[cloudten]

unicorn! Yay! so glad for you! I have been unable to do that yet. I think for me it will be a matter of finding a new church altogether.

Dealingwithit-  ministry with a husband you are faking it with would be so hard... .just so hard. I remember getting upset just sitting with my cheating (non) exhusband in his church... .I couldn't stand the hypocrisy any longer. I can't imagine having to minister under similar conditions. What are you doing to help yourself?  Just remember, God works all things for the greater good. He will help- probably in ways you don't expect.

[unicorn2014]

Cloud ten, the situation that was most offensive to me no longer exists, and my daughter was interested in going to church yesterday. Who knows what next Sunday will bring.

[teapay]

I feel for you Dealingwithit and others too.  My W and I were involved in ministry too, although never on paid  staff.  When we met she was a board member of her church and served as a biblical counselor for many years and I was involved in missions and support to oversea child projects.  She was always close the church leadership.  As my she became more sick, I was shocked at the incongruity between her life, behavior and personal beliefs, and her involvement in ministry.  We were being bibically counseled while she was biblically counseling others on some of the same issues we and she was having difficulty with. The were many parts of Scripture she was counseling others, including me,  but for some reason didn't believe applied to her nor could explain why.   It also seemed like churches were in denial and  frightened to really address, especially abuse in the marriage.  They seemed willing to condone and make excuses for almost anything as long as she asked forgiveness and it didn't effect them, so it went on for awhile and we'd change churches to mix things up.  I can't tell you how many baptisms, anoitings, altar calls, professions, healings, prayings she has been through with very little lasting effect.  Eventually , she got worse and just faded away and I left the faith entirely, well at least for now. I hope your H can turn it around and you can cope.  It can be quite confusing and painful when matters of faith are involved.

[Chilibean13]

Boy, am I here right now. We have been in ministry for many years. The reality hit me recently that this is a fake relationship. We are modeling something to other people that is not true. I told him and our Marriage Counselor I wasn't going to fake it anymore. I need to see God do something in our situation. This is the first time in 21 years I won't do ministry with my husband. I feel this will work itself out in time, but I refuse to do it on my own. God needs to step in and help.

I think that's very smart. I fully believe that couples need to be healthy if they are going to minister together. It's hard for the Holy Spirit to move when there are issues going on. My dream has always been to go do mission work in the Middle East or some area like that, but I know that we cannot go if he is not mentally healthy.

For myself, I am in church leadership. It wasn't something I strived for, but just fell into it. I think it makes him feel inferior that I am a part of the leadership team, but at the same time I think he is proud of me too. My pastors know about some of his emotional issues and I have to remind myself frequently that if my H goes off on a congregant again (he's done this 3 times in the past before I was on leadership), that I most likely will have to give up my leadership spot. I've talked with my H about how since I am held to a higher standard now that he has to be also, especially in regard to FB posts or his interaction with others. He gets offended when I talk to him about this, but I think deep down he knows. He is also on our church secruity team and he knows that if he acts out too badly, he may be removed from the team. I help with pastoral care and when things are really bad between my H and I, such as he is dysregulating often, I try to lesson my ministry load so we can focus on getting things slowed down a little.

[losingconfidence]

I used to feel similar confusion. My partner was so wonderful and validating and life-affirming when I met her that I ended up wondering why such a great person would just change into a monster the way she did. The truth was that she was never a wonderful person. She was always a liar. Unfortunately, a lot of cluster b abusers are like chameleons who sort of change their colors for whomever they're dating. If this same woman fell for an Atheist, I wouldn't be surprised if she threw herself at Atheism just as hard.

How do I know? My ex claimed to have identical (non-Christian) beliefs to mine and then backpedaled a few months into our relationship. Honestly, the experience I had with her reminds me a bit of the way the Christian devil is described as tempting people with fool's gold or with riches, admiration, happiness, etc., that all come with an unbearable price. I'm not trying to say cluster b people are literal demons or devils, but I think that they get our hopes up really profoundly and make us think we could never feel as wonderfully about anyone or anything else as we do about them. That disappointment makes us feel like there is no God, there is no goodness, there is no hope, there is no plan, etc. Our love, faith, etc. isn't and wasn't enough to save the good person we thought was "in there somewhere" when our partners started slipping into the Mr. Hyde behavior. I can only hope that the plan is still unfolding and that whatever God really has in store for you/for any of us is much greater than what you lost.

Feeling spiritually compatible with a partner is so important to me as well. I think about someone to spend eternity with versus just right now, and it still hurts a lot that I feel like I was offered eternity and given a "never mind."

I think when you're led astray by someone like that, it's sometimes hard to hear God/whatever higher power or spirit you believe in. It doesn't mean He isn't speaking to you or trying to send you a message. It doesn't mean He doesn't still have a plan. The most important thing is to find ways to rekindle your hope. I think hope opens us up to positive spiritual experiences while shame closes those doors. Shame was a huge part of my last relationship, all the way through. It's challenging to find that powerful self-love and self-acceptance that makes it possible to believe that God (or whatever higher power we believe in) can love and accept us and to believe that we are worthy of the right partner's love. It's hard, but I have to hope that it can happen for all of us.

[Herodias]

I heard a sermon this past Sunday where the pastor picked up two apples... .He said they look the same don't they? Then he bit into the first one... He said it was delicious! Then he bit into the next one... .It was styrofoam! It made me think of our situations with these people. We think they are like everyone else, but until we get to the inner core, we don't really know. It's easy to be fooled. The difference is between Happiness and Joy he said. Happiness is short lived... .Joy lasts. That is so true on my life. I do know what you mean though. They always talk about families and children and it makes me feel a little left out. They do try and include the single people, but God promotes marriage and staying together. I do know our situations are different. I had the 3 A's in order to divorce. Alcohol, Abuse and Adultery. I am trying my hardest to have hope that there is something so much better in my future. It is just that I see so many people my age and older, alone. It's very hard to meet people the older you get. I am trying to believe that if it's love that I want in my future- God will bring it to me. It's so hard to know what you are supposed to do.

[Trog]

I'd have to say that my experience with a Borderline helped me to discover God and now 18 months out I know that my Borderline ex, despite breaking me to the point where I even contemplated suicide, has been my greatest teacher and highlighted my weaknesses and pinpointed exactly where I needed to grow.

Were it not for her/that lesson, I would not be in a sane relationship today, I would not be on this great path of personal development that I am now on. In the last 6 months I was lucky enough to have started a relationship with Jesus, joined a church, I'm getting confirmed in January and this all came from a decision to walk the Camino de Santiago in July of last year. On that walk I had a profound experience one night while lying in an albergue dorm bed. I was crying in a great deal of emotional pain, thinking about my ex, and I broke down and with my heart asked God to take this burden away from me, I had been suffering with the pain of this marriage breakdown for 12 months at that point and just couldn't let it go. That night the pain and burden was taken from me, lifted from me by Jesus, I remember laughing a little bit because I was actually resentful of letting it go, there was part of me that wanted to hold onto it, but you can't really say No to Jesus.

Whatever you think about God/Jesus and that instance, it's now my belief that if you're in relationship with a Cluster B then there are serious things you need to learn about yourself and morality issues (incorrect moral assumptions) to clear up. A relationship with this type of person can not even exist unless you are holding it up. Allowing terrible behaviour because a) they're ill or b) they had a hard childhood or c) if I didn't do X they wouldn't have done Y. We allow it all and we attract it. We attract it because we ourselves have lessons to learn, that's the whole purpose of this life.

To everyone having a faith crisis, ask yourself one thing, has God ever done anything, that after some time has passed you couldn't see the reason for it? It didn't help you grow/it didn't help someone else/it didn't open a new door for you? If you're wading through crap with a cluster B - the crap was always there, they're just pouring water on it and it's turned into mud and now it's a real problem! You're stuck... .and it stinks!

[mywifecrazy]

I'd have to say that my experience with a Borderline helped me to discover God and now 18 months out I know that my Borderline ex, despite breaking me to the point where I even contemplated suicide, has been my greatest teacher and highlighted my weaknesses and pinpointed exactly where I needed to grow.

Were it not for her/that lesson, I would not be in a sane relationship today, I would not be on this great path of personal development that I am now on. In the last 6 months I was lucky enough to have started a relationship with Jesus, joined a church, I'm getting confirmed in January and this all came from a decision to walk the Camino de Santiago in July of last year. On that walk I had a profound experience one night while lying in an albergue dorm bed. I was crying in a great deal of emotional pain, thinking about my ex, and I broke down and with my heart asked God to take this burden away from me, I had been suffering with the pain of this marriage breakdown for 12 months at that point and just couldn't let it go. That night the pain and burden was taken from me, lifted from me by Jesus, I remember laughing a little bit because I was actually resentful of letting it go, there was part of me that wanted to hold onto it, but you can't really say No to Jesus.

Whatever you think about God/Jesus and that instance, it's now my belief that if you're in relationship with a Cluster B then there are serious things you need to learn about yourself and morality issues (incorrect moral assumptions) to clear up. A relationship with this type of person can not even exist unless you are holding it up. Allowing terrible behaviour because a) they're ill or b) they had a hard childhood or c) if I didn't do X they wouldn't have done Y. We allow it all and we attract it. We attract it because we ourselves have lessons to learn, that's the whole purpose of this life.

To everyone having a faith crisis, ask yourself one thing, has God ever done anything, that after some time has passed you couldn't see the reason for it? It didn't help you grow/it didn't help someone else/it didn't open a new door for you? If you're wading through crap with a cluster B - the crap was always there, they're just pouring water on it and it's turned into mud and now it's a real problem! You're stuck... .and it stinks!

I can relate with you. I was marred for 18yrs to uBPDxw. I was a Christian and thought she was too. I caught her in affair with neighbor and she tossed me aside like she never knew me. A few months after separation I asked why she never went to church anymore. She said "Oh I only did that because I knew it was important to you" ... .Really? So she faked it for 18+ years. It was the first time I was exposed to Her mirroring and chameleon ways. The more I found out about her secret life she lived while married to me (affairs, lying about me, lying to me, etc) the more I realized that my life with her was never what I thought it was. I was in a lot of pain and went into a depression.

It all changed for me when I cried out to God to help me let go of her and let go of trying to salvage my relationship with her. I humbled myself and cast all my anxieties on him (1 Peter 5:5-7). I let go of the things I can not control (my X and her life) and focused on what I can control (my relationship with God, my actions and my reactions to others). I focused on trying to be happy and content in my life with God through my relationship with Jesus. I can honestly say that I'm happier now than at any time n my life. God used the pain and my broken state to draw me closer to him. He used the situation to change me from the inside out and has blessed me in many ways (Rom 8:28). If I ever get in another serious relationship it will be for all the right reasons and it will be healthy but if I don't end up in another relationship I will be just as happy as I've come to realize that my happiness is not dependent on another person. My happiness and identity is who I am in Christ Jesus. Can I get an Amen? In a weird way I can thank my X for my new found faith n God and the peace I'm now in.

This is an awesome thread. I wish everyone on here peace, joy and happiness throu our Lord and Savior.

MWC... .

[RaisenCane]

Cosmonaut,

I can fully understand why you would feel that way. My experience, however, has been that my faith is getting me through this. Without it, I would be completely lost. When I have had struggles in my life, I leaned on Christ more than ever and He carried me through them, although at times I thought there was no way He could be there. I can't imagine where I would be right now, if I didn't have Him.

This is no different for me. My current situation is a daily struggle with my uBPDw and her actions have hurt me deeply and have nearly destroyed our marriage BUT I believe the devil is playing a very big part in this and he can only be defeated through Christ.

I will pray for you and your ex and really everyone on this Board as we can all use the prayers.

RC

[jhkbuzz]

Anyone else felt that their experience with BPD has really shaken their faith?  I'm struggling with that.  I guess I have for a while.  And I hate it.  I can feel myself slipping into nihilism again.  

I spent a good while as a young man that way.  Angry.  Atheist.  :)irectionless.  :)issatisfied.  Science saved me in a way from that feeling of meaninglessness and emptiness.  I did much better once I began college and my life became about science.  I was actually a very religious child.  I believed fervently in God and Jesus.  I prayed regularly.  Went to church.  Attended Sunday school.  My grandmother had given me a children's Bible and book of proverbs for children and I would read those almost every night.  Then, I started having problems as a preteen.  Kind of generally in life.  I started getting sick, but I didn't know it then.  I've got bipolar disorder, and it's pretty likely that was when it started rearing its ugly head.  Anyway, I won't get into all that.  But somewhere along the way, I lost my faith.  Like all of it.  It was in my mid 20s that I started to believe again.  It started slowly.  A little flicker of faith.  But it grew, and eventually became a fire.

When I met my ex it was like suddenly everything in life made sense.  I mean everything.  Like it had to be by design.  It though it could only have been the hand of God.  I won't get into everything because it's way too revealing, but it was like everything in my life had been leading to this.  Even being sick.  All of my experiences added up perfectly.  Life had more than meaning.  More than purpose.  That fire of faith now became a star.  One of the things I love so much about my ex is how deep her faith is.  I cherished that.  On our first date she said our second date should be volunteering together.  We went looking for a church to attend together.  She was so interested in learning about what all of these different denominations believed.  She was fascinated by it.  She wanted to find a home for us.  Even typing this out I get choked up.  It meant so much to me.  So much.  Still does.

I just feel so betrayed.  I feel so awful for my ex and what she is going through, and I am just feeling lost myself.  I can't believe that God could allow something so good to be so destroyed.  It seems so pointless.  This isn't suffering for the faith.  Suffering to lead you closer to God.  This is just pointless, meaningless suffering.  Suffering that destroys faith.  I am so jealous of what I see so many of my friends having.  Weddings.  Baptisms.  Going to church together.  And I have nothing.  I wish I could say that at least I always have Jesus, but I am struggling to say that.  I feel completely abandoned.  Again.  Just like my ex did.  And I need Jesus so much.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?  Has this rocked your faith?  Have you been able to heal that rift?

When I look back, in some ways, I realize that my r/s with my ex became even more important to me than my r/s with God. I put my faith in a person, and the inevitable outcome of that is disappointment. I'm speaking from a Christian perspective here - do you think that's in some part what happened for you?

[Turkish]

When I look back, in some ways, I realize that my r/s with my ex became even more important to me than my r/s with God. I put my faith in a person, and the inevitable outcome of that is disappointment. I'm speaking from a Christian perspective here - do you think that's in some part what happened for you?

One of my Christian friends offered that my Ex engaged in idolatry, in a way, casting me as the Father figure in our r/s. I turned it back upon me, that my Ex was a Daughter (mom?) That I wanted to rescue. That's a mirror I still don't like looking into. These dynamics are complicated to say the least.

[jhkbuzz]

When I look back, in some ways, I realize that my r/s with my ex became even more important to me than my r/s with God. I put my faith in a person, and the inevitable outcome of that is disappointment. I'm speaking from a Christian perspective here - do you think that's in some part what happened for you?

One of my Christian friends offered that my Ex engaged in idolatry, in a way, casting me as the Father figure in our r/s. I turned it back upon me, that my Ex was a Daughter (mom?) That I wanted to rescue. That's a mirror I still don't like looking into. These dynamics are complicated to say the least.

Indeed.

In Christian theology, anything we put on a "pedestal" that replaces God in our hearts is idolatry. It can take many forms - relationships are probably a pretty common one. I don't think this is always a conscious "sin" as much as the fact that it's a reflection of our broken humanity. We look for many ways to heal. But if you embrace the Christian faith, the only path to healing is through a relationship with God - and by putting THAT r/s first.

I'm a year and a half out of my b/u and I've realized that, although I've made a lot of good moves towards healing, there still a part of me that's hooked into her, emotionally. Even though I wouldn't reconnect (or recycle); even though I see her much more clearly today - as a very damaged human being who also has some really good qualities.

When I think about what keeps me hooked (and why I would loathe running into her and her current boyfriend), I realize that I miss being her "hero." That is very much how she viewed me in the beginning of our r/s - I had the answers, was capable, confident, could help her and keep her safe. I loved that element. And that's what I worked so hard to get "back to" when our r/s was going south. It's also the primary reason why I don't want to run into her today - if I saw her looking at someone else "that way" today, I'm afraid I would feel devastated.  Still. A year and a half later.

Idolatry for her? For me? Or just two wounded people who managed to find one another? I really believed I could heal her - but there's only One who can heal.

None of my other r/s's have had this quality. I could run into any other number of ex's and their current s/o's and I wouldn't bat an eyelash. But a year and a half later, there it is. I wanted to be the hero. Her hero. Part of me still does.

Luckily I've realized that this craving has absolutely nothing to do with my ex. There's many things I DON'T miss about my r/s with her - looking at an old picture of her reinforces this almost instantly - I wouldn't go back. She may have triggered this craving in me, but it's my "stuff" to work out - it's not about her.

The truth is that other (healthier) people would run like hell from that "hero" dynamic. I didn't - and, in fact, still crave it.

Going to have a loong conversation about it with my T about it this week.

[joeramabeme]

Wow, thank you Cosmonaut for revealing such a deep and personal side of your suffering.  If not anything, know that you have moved me by speaking the words that I have been wrestling with for the last few months.

I think the reason this is so difficult for those of us that have struggled to climb and then fallen from or deeply doubted traditional faith is that we are taught to believe that God is somehow outside of us and managing our affairs which includes a divine plan for faithful adherents of the doctrine.  IMO, this is simply not true.  If it were, than there would be an insurmountable amount of explaining to do that no one on this earth could logically account for – and so therefore makes no sense to believe unless you detach yourself completely from the logical faculties you were given by birth.  And if we were going to give God, the creator of all things, credit for all that is good, then likewise, the same God deserves credit for all that is bad – even for creating a supposed red-suited being that is to blame for the countless doctrinal inconsistencies of our everyday realities.

I too was raised Christian (Catholic) and have attended various churches off and on throughout the years.   This in addition to exploring other systems of faith, and like you, I too was under the belief that God loved me and that my suffering, staying in faith and seeking God is what lead me to the joy and life-long fulfillment that I had always seen others enjoy as my reward.  Not so. 

Now the answer to my suffering is simply that; life is difficult for everyone and I grew up in an extraordinarily dysfunctional home which added multiples on to that; it was pure random chance. 

I no longer believe that an all-knowing, all-powerful God would place any child within a home like mine just to have that child grow up and prove that he will still love him only to take it all away as a test of faith or some other reality-bending belief.  It is that type of fairy-tailing coupled with searching for answers that get so many people drawn to religion and then leads into disillusioned thinking about who they really are and is in fact the fraud of religion that detaches people, like us, from our real identities; a powerful creature whose fate does not lie outside of his own ability; regardless of what has happened to us.

NO ONE knows where this life leads to nor why they are here.  Feels like a punch in the gut to acknowledge this, but the facts of our every-day lives confirm this and living within the truth is a lot easier and more productive than trying to live within the answer-seeking myths that do not bear out the truth of our lives.

I do not mean to be hurtful, but I believe if we are stuck in understanding and changing our life-station it has to be done within truth.  Following a story that is not true leads to more hurt and confusion and limits our own ability to find the strength we already possess.

Simply put, what I do with my life is what God is.

[dealingwithit]

I wanted to give an update to this situation from December of 15.

"Boy, am I here right now. We have been in ministry for many years. The reality hit me recently that this is a fake relationship. We are modeling something to other people that is not true. I told him and our Marriage Counselor I wasn't going to fake it anymore. I need to see God do something in our situation. This is the first time in 21 years I won't do ministry with my husband. I feel this will work itself out in time, but I refuse to do it on my own. God needs to step in and help."

I am excited to say that the Lord has stepped in!  We had an incident which involved him getting physical with me, but after that we went to marriage counseling and that helped. We then went to a ministry in Georgia for a couple of days and he dealt with some more root issues. He still can be quite melancholy, but the attacking is minimized enough that I feel we can start thinking about ministering again. I shared with him how the warfare scared me because he seemed to get attacked when we were really getting things accomplished with other people. He has really listened. I tell him "we are on the same side" quite often and that seems to help him. We are empty nesters now and I think that has helped somewhat with the dynamics since it's just me and him in the house now so not many triangles are being formed.

[Stolen]

I think Unicorn brings up a great point... .your relationship with God and your relationship with the Body are two different things.

I do not attend worship as any part of any congregation simply for the reason unicorn stated- church is very centered on family life... .and being a single person, especially a hurting single person, can feel very defeating.

But, that doesn't mean that I don't have faith or maintain a relationship with God. I try. That relationship has suffered as I hurt... .but I haven't given up entirely. I know it will be worked for good.

If you don't feel like you can go to organized church, that's okay. Still try to pray and have that one-on-one relationship... .even if you are angry with Him.

After being divorced, and losing my daughters to alienation, I found myself "alone" for the first time in decades. I had been a holiday Catholic for so long, it surprised me that I found the Church such a strong support for me. I pursued and obtained an annulment last year, and felt such strong support from the entire Tribunal.

Many ghosts in my local church - I was married there, my children baptized, their first communions, confirmation, my oldest an alter server.  So many ghosts. And I was now alone.

I returned in stages - I would go to the church when there was no mass, I'd do my version of praying, for my mother who I lost last year, but particularly for my children, that they would eventually be blessed with the awareness and acceptance of my love for them, and hopefully for some reflection of that from them.

I then began going to weekday mass - sitting in the back. The church maybe 10% full, 90% of the parishioners there "alone".  A simple mass this way, 30 minutes start to finish, no music, just the essentials. I have been enjoying this for months now - I find being "alone" is a plus, but very different from the social aspect of weekend/family worship.

I speak one-on-one with one of the priests, spent almost two hours with him last week. We discuss my lost children, my crisis of faith due to xW destroying our family. We also discuss wider topics like society, politics etc. I never thought I would have my own "priest relationship", I would never have gone this way without being "alone", it would have been just one more trigger for me to be the target of xW's dysphoric rage.

My take - don't let being solo keep you from pursuing/practicing your faith. I have found it to be a blessing. And you are never alone with God.

[purekalm]

Cosmonaut,

First,  . I know you're feeling awful and hopeless right now, hanging by a thread. Just don't let go.

This in addition to exploring other systems of faith, and like you, I too was under the belief that God loved me and that my suffering, staying in faith and seeking God is what lead me to the joy and life-long fulfillment that I had always seen others enjoy as my reward.  Not so.

Everyone suffers, regardless of what you believe. Jesus and his saints specifically said that if you believe, you will suffer, because believing in God goes against the grain of the world that prefers to indulge in "self".

My personal belief is this. I'm a parent, God is a parent of all. Even though I'm flawed, I don't want my son to hurt at all. If it was possible, I'd make sure he never suffered one millisecond in his entire life. The thing is, he is his own person and has his own choices.

Take for example something simple. I tell my son ":)on't jump on the bed like that. If you fall, it's going to hurt." He chooses not to take my advice and jumps around all crazy, falls, gets hurt, comes to me for help and comfort. I wanted him to learn the easy way. He chose to learn the hard way. This, is why we suffer.

The other reason why we suffer is because of others. We may do nothing wrong at all and we still suffer because of their actions. A lot of people blame God, but it was the person who chose to do what they did to you. If we take a person coming into our lives as God's blessing, but it never was to begin with, the natural response is to blame someone, God. It doesn't make it true, but we're blinded by pain and can eventually see it for what it is. The environment can even make us suffer with destroying our homes and taking people's lives.

None of us are perfect and have issues ourselves, even if not as severe as the BPD we got involved with. It may seem right now that there is nothing but pain, but when you can and are able, start searching for something that can be gained.

For me, I have always believed in God, and I've been through quite a bit because I also grew up with an uBPD. I would've given up if it wasn't for relying on God. Through the mess I've been with my husband over the past eight years I've realized quite a bit of things.

One is the extent of my own issues. I had a lot of my own work to do. I gained a deeper connection with God through all the extra pain and it wasn't always easy. But I was honest with God. He knows anyways, why not tell him? I told him when I was mad, when I didn't understand, when I was struggling to believe. My belief is that He always answers, it just may not be the answer we want or in the way we assume.

... .For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and unjust alike." Matthew 5:45  We will all suffer, it's what we do with it that matters.

  Cosmonaut. I hope you can hold on long enough to make it through the storm. 

[Moselle]

And I need Jesus so much.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this?  Has this rocked your faith?  Have you been able to heal that rift?

Cosmo, thanks for showing vulnerability with this post. It takes a lot to be this honest.

I can very much relate to this crisis of faith which you describe. I have experienced a similar thing. Perhaps all religious people have this trial of faith so we can learn of its depth. If the Lord granted us the miracles we seek whenever we seek them, how would we learn?

I believe as a few other have alluded to, is that He loves us as a father. As any loving father must do, He allows us to experience pain, disappointment and suffering because He knows that this is how we learn and improve.

I have a theory on suffering. I believe we create our own suffering. Pain comes and pain goes, but when we believe that somehow things ought to be different, that somehow we are special and should be spared the pain, we enter a cycle of non acceptance where we fight against the reality of what is. When we do so, we believe our thoughts that somehow this shouldn't be so. This creates the effect of prolonging the pain, rumination, and suffering.

The sooner we radically accept reality as it is, the sooner we can feel the pain, let it pass and move on.

I have also had a recent moment of understanding. You be the judge of its correctness. I believe there are three bits of business in life

1. God's business which is to provide this body, give it life, provide the earth and it's resources, as well as all the natural laws which govern our achievements.

2 Other people's business. Their lives, efforts, ambitions and activities. And... .

3. Our business which I believe is to choose firstly, what kind of live we want, then to discover the rules of engagement or principles/ laws which govern that type of life and then live it.

When we start to spend time in 1 or 2, particularly 2 where we try to wish and create for others what we actually want for ourselves, we create our own suffering.

When I am in pain or suffering and I ask the question about whose business am I in? I am almost always in 1 or 2.

All the best in your crisis of faith. Hold on to what faith you have (even if its only desire) Accept what is, and it will be alright.