First Post, hello! Also any advice about chronic angry texting / phone calls?

[LittleSis24]

Hello everyone. This is my first post to this or any other such website. I am glad to have a place to talk to people about this. I have been in a very isolating situation with my BPD sister my entire life.

Without going into too much detail, she is my older sister and has dominated every situation and relationship I've ever had. She has made it difficult for me to make friends - and impossible, especially when was younger, to have a boyfriend. She criticized and conflicted with anyone I seemed to be getting close to. Plus, endless, daily drama, complete with screaming, fighting and crying when we were teens and well into our 20s and 30s. Horrible conflict-filled marriages and relationships with her children that always had to be the center of our everyone's  attention. And now, as middle-aged adults, she is focusing on me even more than she did when we were young. I have always been there for her throughout all her troubles, and I am not a screamer or fighter. I try very hard to get along with her and never fight with her. I only very recently understood that something was wrong (!) because I simply thought of her, as our whole family does, as an extremely sensitive and emotional person who's had a lot of bad luck. But this doesn't really explain the abuse and suffering she inflicts on her loved ones, including me. It doesn't explain the constant accusations and emotional roller coaster I have to deal with almost every day.

I've tried to get her to therapy (mostly with regards to her marriages), but she had a conflict with both therapists within a few sessions and quit. 

I'm writing today because I would love some advice on a situation that has been going on for years.

My sister texts and calls me CONSTANTLY. NO exaggeration. I mean, first thing in the morning all the way to late at night. It doesn't stop. Often it is nothing; memes, questions, comments. But just as often, it is angry, demanding, accusatory and looking for conflict.

There is also a stalker quality to it - like if I haven't answered her text in a while, and she sees that I'm on Facebook, she'll write to me on Messenger, demanding an answer. Often she'll say, "i know you're busy, but ... " or "I know you're probably trying to take some time to yourself, but I just need to ask you a question, can you just call me?" and I call, and it's about nothing, and then that's an hour or two down the drain.

When she tries to start a conflict, like she has been this entire week, I do my best to avoid it and answer as neutrally as possible. It doesn't seem to help. She simply gets angrier and demands a phone call. I am no longer sure what to do, and this chronic texting is really making me very anxious. I end up avoiding my phone and not talking to friends and family.

In the past, when I tried to address this problem with her (originally, before texting, it was chronic phone calls) she became enraged and turned around and screamed at my parents for calling me and not leaving time for her and I to talk. This made NO sense.

Now it's texts. I turn my phone off a few times a day just to give myself a break. If I try to talk to her about this, it will surely erupt into a conflict that simply will never resolve. No conflict or perceived insult EVER forgotten. She will bring it up and go over and over and over it until I apologize out of sheer exhaustion. So, I really don't know what I am supposed to do. Often I will call, hoping that that will end the texts. However, that's at least an hour and a half for each phone call, and if she's not yelling at me, she's ranting about something else. It is not pleasant. I simply don't have that kind of energy anymore, and it is not healthy behavior anyway.

So, if anyone out there has a BPD sibling or loved one or friend that does this, could you let me know? and tell me if and how you are handling it? I would appreciate it very much.

I have been walking on eggshells around her my entire life, and now I am jumping every time I hear the text notification. It is hard to explain, but I'm hoping people here will understand.

Thank you all in advance for listening to me.

[Strawberry29]

Hi LittleSis24,

I understand 100% where you are and how you feel. Been there, and in a sense still there every now and then.
I remember in the past when I had to be available 24/7 whenever my sibling decided he needed to talk, and if I dared saying at 1am "sorry, I am tired, I think I will go to sleep" then he would erupt and tell me "how can you be so selfish, going to sleep while I need to talk". (when the conversation was not about anything vital).
And then there has been the "stalking phase", where if I did not reply immediately he would ask his GF to text me, then send message of FB, email etc etc... On WA I immediately understood when it as him without even checking my phone: I would receive like 25 message in a row.

How to solve the problem? It's really person specific. Not checking the phone, or silencing it, does not work. It just leads you to having problems with other people, and you will still be stressed. At least, with me it worked that way.
The thing is, if she was to write you only, say, via Whatsapp, then you could silence her and only read her messages when you feel like it. Say every evening at 6 or whatever. If she starts writing in any possible means of communication though, I am afraid the only thing to say is to tell her you will reply when you can. Will this start a raging episode: most likely, yes. But you cannot keep going on like this just to please her. You have your own rights to have your life, and you do the best you can. I am sure you are and have been a great sibling, but trust me going beyond your limits does not help. It will burn you down slowly...

Just my 2 cents, from somebody that currently has the worse possible relationship with his sibling, who still manages to send me 20 messages in a day from the room next to mine, despite not wanting to see me in person...

[Notwendy]

My sister texts and calls me CONSTANTLY.

There is also a stalker quality to it - like if I haven't answered her text in a while, and she sees that I'm on Facebook, she'll write to me on Messenger, demanding an answer. Often she'll say, "i know you're busy, but ... " or "I know you're probably trying to take some time to yourself, but I just need to ask you a question, can you just call me?" and I call, and it's about nothing, and then that's an hour or two down the drain.

Now it's texts. I turn my phone off a few times a day just to give myself a break. If I try to talk to her about this, it will surely erupt into a conflict that simply will never resolve. No conflict or perceived insult EVER forgotten. She will bring it up and go over and over and over it until I apologize out of sheer exhaustion. So, I really don't know what I am supposed to do. Often I will call, hoping that that will end the texts. However, that's at least an hour and a half for each phone call, and if she's not yelling at me, she's ranting about something else. It is not pleasant. I simply don't have that kind of energy anymore, and it is not healthy behavior anyway.

So, if anyone out there has a BPD sibling or loved one or friend that does this, could you let me know? and tell me if and how you are handling it? I would appreciate it very much.

I have been walking on eggshells around her my entire life, and now I am jumping every time I hear the text notification. It is hard to explain, but I'm hoping people here will understand.

Thank you all in advance for listening to me.

My BPD mother will call a lot at times and then at other times, not at all. The messages she leaves on the phone are almost the same words as your sister "I just have a question" - well that may or may not be the actual reason for calling.

I just decide to block her at times and then unblock her if I am available to speak to her. If the phone goes to voice mail quickly- she may or may not leave a message. She's not on social media. I also turn the phone on airplane mode at night. She's in assisted living so I know there are people there if she needs something.

We aren't able to control someone else's behavior- only ours- and so this calls for boundaries on your part. Your sister won't like it- but think about this- you have been available to her and that hasn't helped the situation much either- so on your part, you need some boundaries for your own sense of space and peacefulness.

People can be "on" Facebook but be doing something else. Just because it shows you are online doesn't mean you are available. "Unfriending" her would be too obvious but you can set your privacy settings to custom and exclude her from seeing your posts and I would ignore her FB messages. Then later message back "I didn't see these- I wasn't at the computer" or something like that. She will get the message that IM isn't the best way to get ahold of you.

I am assuming you don't live with her. I don't think talking about this with her is going to be effective. I think these situations call for action- to not cut contact entirely ( I assume you aren't seeking this but you can do it if you choose) but to be "unavailable" at times. Also when she gets into drama - don't react emotionally.  Stay neutral. Validate the feelings but not the invalid facts. You can also cut the phone calls shorter "I have to go to a meeting now, talk to you later". "Oh I have to go - there's someone at the door" (whether or not someone is at the door).

[NewtoFL]

I am so sorry for what you're going through. My BP is my adult daughter, but it sounds like you are your sister's "person." The one who fuels her. You MUST read "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" by Kreger. It is the "how to" guide for communicating with a BP and setting healthy boundaries. You can expect her to become enraged when you take back power for yourself, but that just means it's working. I pray you can continue to be there for your sister but in ways that give you your life back. Good luck!

[CC43]

Hi Sis,

You sound like a very loving and compassionate sister, your sister is so lucky to have you in her life. It’s sad that she’s not equally compassionate with you. With BPD, she’s oblivious to the stress and pain she’s causing you. If anything, she’s abusing your kindness.

I also have a high-maintenance sister who likes to talk out her issues, over and over, seemingly without end or resolution.  She is very negative and can ruin my day, and she often turns on me and starts to paint MY life in a negative way, perhaps as a projection of her own thinking. Anyway, these conversations could ruin my day if they were to go on for too long. When I sense I’m getting agitated or frustrated by her rants, I’ll invoke my « three strikes » rule. I’ll say, Let’s please change the topic. She’ll typically say, « Yes, but … » and continue on. Then I’ll repeat, We’re not getting anywhere, so let’s change the topic or I’ll hang up. And if she continues on, I’ll say, Sorry, I’m hanging up now. Bye. And that works for me. She’s learned by now that she needs to listen to what I’m saying if she wants to continue talking. I can only take so much negativity.  A conversation is supposed to go two ways, right?

As for the incessant calls or texts, I’d say, don’t respond to any angry or demanding messages, ever. Respond only to friendly ones.  And you start calling her when it’s convient for YOU (maybe once a week, or whatever suits you best).  Eventually she’ll learn not to pester you. It might take 100 or 500 texts, I don’t know. If you don’t respond to the mean or demanding ones, maybe she’ll give up, because they don’t get her the response she wants.  If she pesters you about your boundaries, you could say, I’m not replying to non-urgent messages because I’m busy. Or, I don’t get into arguments by text. Or, I don’t monitor my text messages every day. Or, I talk to you every Friday on my way home from work. Try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain). She might call you a heartless b*, but that’s just a sign that she’s testing your boundary. She’s the heartless one, not you. Hang up, leave the room, and do something you enjoy. You deserve it.