Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
December 22, 2024, 05:00:30 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Near or in break-up mode?
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
95
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
Poll
Question:
How to live with the blame and mood swings
Capitulation?
0 (0%)
Separate?
0 (0%)
Total Voters: 0
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever (Read 454 times)
JEV1
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but separated
Posts: 8
Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
«
on:
October 03, 2024, 04:03:01 PM »
My husband had an affair (I posted about his infidelity and issues with alcohol/impulsivity)and returned home to "work on our marriage." Since he's been back, he's lied consistently, criticized and belittled me even more than before the affair, gotten enraged when I discovered his lies, verbally abused me in a way he hasn't for years, and even hit me for the first time ever. Everything I do is wrong. Everything. It is impossible to please him, yet he swears he wants us to work. How do I navigate these mood swings? How can I try to get our relationship out of crisis if I'm on eggshells ten times as much as before and unable to speak honestly with him without fear if emotional retaliation?
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.
kells76
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 3868
Re: Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
«
Reply #1 on:
October 03, 2024, 04:45:29 PM »
Hi JEV1, thanks for coming back and updating us.
Does your H say
specifically
what he plans to do to "work on the marriage" (affair recovery program, AA, couples counseling, etc), or is it more a general thing he says?
How did he behave after he hit you -- remorseful, defiant, defensive, shocked... something else?
What does your therapist think about the situation?
Logged
JEV1
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married but separated
Posts: 8
Re: Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
«
Reply #2 on:
October 03, 2024, 06:38:33 PM »
He flatly refuses to quit drinking even after he hit me and crashed our car when drunk. As for what he wants to do to work on it, he wanted to do marital counseling and work on communication, but what he wants or is willing to do changes almost daily. As for hitting me, he said it "wasn't even that hard" and he "thought I wanted it" (I was crying and in no way, shape or form had indicated a desire to get slapped in the face). He apologized but it was hollow and he essentially blamed me for provoking him. God knows I can't bring it up or he'll explode again. I just don't know how to communicate with him. Everything I say or do is wrong. When I try to deescalate or listen to him, he tells me it's fake and he thinks I'm pretending. It seems like there is no way to get through to him or move forward.
Logged
re_search1901
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken Up
Posts: 8
Re: Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
«
Reply #3 on:
October 03, 2024, 09:00:27 PM »
I am just going to start posting this book as its been extremely eye opening for me. Hope it helps.
https://www.amazon.com/Fight-Right-Successful-Conflict-Connection/dp/0593579658
Logged
brokenfrog
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 8
Re: Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
«
Reply #4 on:
October 06, 2024, 02:33:01 PM »
Hey JEV1,
Your story really resonates with me. My spouse has exhibited similar behavior, so I understand how difficult this situation is. That being said, I may come across as a bit more "direct," but please hear me out.
What I’ve learned through my own experience is that trying to help someone like your husband (or in my case, my soon-to-be ex-wife) with the hope of a better future often ends up reinforcing their negative behaviors. In essence, we unintentionally validate their actions by staying and trying to "fix" things.
Are there exceptions, turnarounds, or miracles? Sometimes, yes. But more often than not, we find ourselves delaying the inevitable—and we’re the ones who end up more hurt and broken in the long run.
I’ve even been told I was somehow responsible for the infidelity or that I wasn’t open-minded enough to consider "other arrangements" suggested by her doctor-lover. I’ve also seen close friends blame themselves for the abusive behavior they’ve endured, feeling as though they "deserved" it.
Here’s the truth: there is no situation where his behavior is acceptable. Ever.
Even if yours was the crappiest marriage in the history of crappy marriages, it doesn’t excuse what he’s done and doing. The fact that this behavior is just appaling. Please, protect yourself and your son. The emotional scars can be just as damaging—if not worse—than the physical ones.
It took me a long time to fully understand what my own therapist meant when she told me to "protect myself," but two years into my separation and divorce, I see her point.
So, when you ask, "How do I navigate these mood swings?" I would challenge you to instead ask: "Why should I?"
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
> Topic:
Husband returned after affair, is meaner and more controlling than ever
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...