No light

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Forgive me if this is rambling. My  possibly undiagnosed BPDex of 2 years broke up with me last month, complete blindside, and I'm falling apart at the seams. She said that for months prior she has felt like we didn't feel like a couple anymore and that we have different priorities in life. We had been planning on buying a house and getting married, we had even picked a new last name for the both of us. I've been NC for a couple weeks but I can't stop ruminating, there's no light in life for me anymore and I feel crazy. I can't stop thinking about ending my life and I don't see a future for me anymore. I can't engage in anything without wishing I was sharing it with her and she's the only person I truly want to talk to right now and the few friends I could talk to I think are tired of carrying my burden. All of my sleep is plagued with dreams of her cold indifference or with heartfelt discussions I wish we'd had to repair this. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one with the disorder. I know I'm codependent but I'm not sure how much of that is due to being autistic. I can't stop thinking about her blankly watching me cry at the end. I've been going to therapy and psychiatry but I just can't heal or catch my breath. I don't know what to do anymore

[Hallowyote]

Forgive me if this is rambling. My  possibly undiagnosed BPDex of 2 years broke up with me last month, complete blindside, and I'm falling apart at the seams. She said that for months prior she has felt like we didn't feel like a couple anymore and that we have different priorities in life. We had been planning on buying a house and getting married, we had even picked a new last name for the both of us. I've been NC for a couple weeks but I can't stop ruminating, there's no light in life for me anymore and I feel crazy. I can't stop thinking about ending my life and I don't see a future for me anymore. I can't engage in anything without wishing I was sharing it with her and she's the only person I truly want to talk to right now and the few friends I could talk to I think are tired of carrying my burden. All of my sleep is plagued with dreams of her cold indifference or with heartfelt discussions I wish we'd had to repair this. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one with the disorder. I know I'm codependent but I'm not sure how much of that is due to being autistic. I can't stop thinking about her blankly watching me cry at the end. I've been going to therapy and psychiatry but I just can't heal or catch my breath. I don't know what to do anymore

[SinisterComplex]

Forgive me if this is rambling. My  possibly undiagnosed BPDex of 2 years broke up with me last month, complete blindside, and I'm falling apart at the seams. She said that for months prior she has felt like we didn't feel like a couple anymore and that we have different priorities in life. We had been planning on buying a house and getting married, we had even picked a new last name for the both of us. I've been NC for a couple weeks but I can't stop ruminating, there's no light in life for me anymore and I feel crazy. I can't stop thinking about ending my life and I don't see a future for me anymore. I can't engage in anything without wishing I was sharing it with her and she's the only person I truly want to talk to right now and the few friends I could talk to I think are tired of carrying my burden. All of my sleep is plagued with dreams of her cold indifference or with heartfelt discussions I wish we'd had to repair this. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one with the disorder. I know I'm codependent but I'm not sure how much of that is due to being autistic. I can't stop thinking about her blankly watching me cry at the end. I've been going to therapy and psychiatry but I just can't heal or catch my breath. I don't know what to do anymore

First, welcome to the fam 

Second, please calm yourself. I know the feelings are heavy and it is hard. It sucks. That is all true and hey how you feel...my friend the people here understand you and we get it...trust me.

The most important thing for you to do is to realize that YOU matter and YOU have value by yourself and independent of anyone else. You may not see that right now because you are hurt. I will not lie to you and say it will be easy because it will not be. However, I can promise you that you can get through this and that you can get better. You took a big step coming here and reaching out for help. That puts you ahead of a lot of people.

Also, you are not rambling. If anything, I expect this kind of response because it is raw...you are running on emotion and that is okay because you have to grieve.

This is going to be a process and it will take some time, but if you put in the work, feel your feelings and strive to make progress each and every day there will be light my friend.

Please try to not set unrealistic expectations upon yourself. What I mean is that do not compare yourself to others, do not put a timeline on yourself. Everyone has their own unique journey and there are no right or wrong answers there is just progression to getting better.

You say you have been going to therapy...good. Continue to do so. Also, keep in mind you may have to stick with it for quite some time...and there is nothing wrong with that and there is nothing wrong with you for having to do it.

I wish there was a shortcut or there was a way to expedite things, but there is not I am afraid. The only you I can suggest for you that can help is that you need to focus on being kind to YOU and you need to focus on taking care of yourself. Do not let your self-care slack off.

Moving forward...let's start making simple daily goals. Give yourself something every day you have to do. If you continue to do that and stay on the path then you can add more and things will get easier.

Please continue to engage with the community at large. The rest of my team will chime in when they get a chance and you should have others pop in to. I'll check back in on you as well. Until then know that you are heard and you are seen. We have your back here.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

 

[SnailShell]

Forgive me if this is rambling. My  possibly undiagnosed BPDex of 2 years broke up with me last month, complete blindside, and I'm falling apart at the seams. She said that for months prior she has felt like we didn't feel like a couple anymore and that we have different priorities in life. We had been planning on buying a house and getting married, we had even picked a new last name for the both of us. I've been NC for a couple weeks but I can't stop ruminating, there's no light in life for me anymore and I feel crazy. I can't stop thinking about ending my life and I don't see a future for me anymore. I can't engage in anything without wishing I was sharing it with her and she's the only person I truly want to talk to right now and the few friends I could talk to I think are tired of carrying my burden. All of my sleep is plagued with dreams of her cold indifference or with heartfelt discussions I wish we'd had to repair this. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one with the disorder. I know I'm codependent but I'm not sure how much of that is due to being autistic. I can't stop thinking about her blankly watching me cry at the end. I've been going to therapy and psychiatry but I just can't heal or catch my breath. I don't know what to do anymore

You will be okay - there’s a future just around the corner.

Breathe.

Slow.

Rest.

Peace.

Take your time.

Come back to yourself, your preferences, your ideas, your thoughts, your feelings.

Be grounded.

One step at a time - no rush

[Hallowyote]

Thank you for your replies. I'm hoping I can come to terms with it and move on even though all hope has died. Just wish I could go back. She was home to me

[once removed]

i think it would help to lean on support and to share a bit more about what youre going through; connect with others in their threads as well. i was in a similarly bad way when i came here too, and i dont know how i would have gotten through it without it.

you are likely clinically depressed (80% of us that arrive here are). that may seem obvious, but what is less obvious is that depression can fuel itself. for example, it can act as a garbage truck, digging up the most painful things it can. and knowing that doesnt make it go away, but it can help give you perspective, that what youre experiencing makes sense. https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/depression-stop-being-tortured-your-own-thoughts

I've been going to therapy and psychiatry

how are they going? are you getting support or treatment for this?

[schwing]

Hi Hallowyote and

My  possibly undiagnosed BPDex of 2 years broke up with me last month, complete blindside, and I'm falling apart at the seams. She said that for months prior she has felt like we didn't feel like a couple anymore and that we have different priorities in life.

Part of the difficulty of what you're dealing with is that she completely blindsided you.  She did to you exactly what she (or any pwBPD) fears might happen to them: they fear that the person that they depend upon will blindside them and *abandon* them.

The problem is that for pwBPD, they have these disordered feelings in spite of what is actually going on in the actual relationship.  Actually, I think they experience these fears from being triggered by feelings of intimacy and closeness.  Which is to say, the more they try to secure their relationship with you, the non-BPD partner, the more then end up dealing with these disordered feelings... I believe.  I don't actually know because I am no disordered.  I've just been around disordered people and around people who are partnered with disordered people.  

We had been planning on buying a house and getting married, we had even picked a new last name for the both of us. I've been NC for a couple weeks but I can't stop ruminating, there's no light in life for me anymore and I feel crazy.

This is why as you were supposedly building your future together, your BPD loved one was also simultaneously planning his/her exit plan.

You see, the best way to avoid being abandoned, is to be the person who abandons the other person.  And this is why, if in the future you interact with them, they might just accuse you of being the dishonest or deceitful person who planned on doing this awful thing to them.  Then again, that could also be projection.  They *re-imagined* the relationship in a way that makes you the abandoner and them, the abandoned.

I can't stop thinking about ending my life and I don't see a future for me anymore. I can't engage in anything without wishing I was sharing it with her and she's the only person I truly want to talk to right now and the few friends I could talk to I think are tired of carrying my burden.

The pain that you are experiencing, I believe, is that pain that disorder people feel.  The pain that I believe they are running away from whenever they start new relationships.  It is at the core of their disorder.

So I would advise that you do not run away from this pain.  For now, it is a pile of excrement.  But I believe, also, that this pain will purchase you great wisdom in the future.  If you learn from this tragedy, you will make better choices for yourself in the future.  You will learn whom you can trust, and whom you must suspect.

Most, of not all of us here, have suffered from this pain in one form or another.  

Don't let it ruin you.  Granted it has leveled you.  But you have the wherewithal to rebuild.  And what you rebuild will be better.  But you need to rebuild.

I can't promise that your future will certain be better.  But neither can you tell me that you will no longer find blessings for yourself in the future.  No one can see the future.  It is up to you to decide if it is worth your while to build towards it.  I think that so long as you draw breath, there may be opportunities to add blessings to your life.  I am an optimist, in spite of having gone through what you are currently going through.  I don't expect you to be an optimist right at this moment.  But I'm asking that you consider that it is quite possible that you will recover from this pain and be a better person because of it.

All of my sleep is plagued with dreams of her cold indifference or with heartfelt discussions I wish we'd had to repair this. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one with the disorder. I know I'm codependent but I'm not sure how much of that is due to being autistic.

You are going through what I believe disordered people are going through.  Only I think you have (or can gather around yourself) sufficient resources to overcome it.  Get professional help.  Find people who can help you deal with betrayal trauma.  Or maybe any kind of trauma.  You can find some of that help here.  Do it for yourself.  

I would ask that you afford this for yourself.  You are very much worth this endeavor.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[HoratioX]

Forgive me if this is rambling. My  possibly undiagnosed BPDex of 2 years broke up with me last month, complete blindside, and I'm falling apart at the seams. She said that for months prior she has felt like we didn't feel like a couple anymore and that we have different priorities in life. We had been planning on buying a house and getting married, we had even picked a new last name for the both of us. I've been NC for a couple weeks but I can't stop ruminating, there's no light in life for me anymore and I feel crazy. I can't stop thinking about ending my life and I don't see a future for me anymore. I can't engage in anything without wishing I was sharing it with her and she's the only person I truly want to talk to right now and the few friends I could talk to I think are tired of carrying my burden. All of my sleep is plagued with dreams of her cold indifference or with heartfelt discussions I wish we'd had to repair this. I can't help but wonder if I'm the one with the disorder. I know I'm codependent but I'm not sure how much of that is due to being autistic. I can't stop thinking about her blankly watching me cry at the end. I've been going to therapy and psychiatry but I just can't heal or catch my breath. I don't know what to do anymore

It's sad to hear this, but keep in mind the people on this board have been through, if not the same thing, pretty close. We're all still here. We survived. We're doing fine.

First, I'd recommend finding a good therapist -- someone not only to talk to, but who has familiarity with what people who have dated or married people with BPD (and anxiety, CPTSD, etc.). They will understand the trauma that someone with so profound a mental illness can cause in others.

Second, keep in mind that you're essentially going through the withdrawal period, both emotionally and physically. The emotional part probably seems obvious while the physical does not. Just keep in mind that when we're in a happy relationship, we're being filled with endorphins and other chemicals that affect our mood and our being. When that relationship is suddenly gone, it's like taking a drug away from an addict -- who then goes through withdrawal. Things will get better, but they have to run their course.

Third, keep in mind that someone with BPD, etc., has a profound mental illness. They are treatable -- some will go into remission for periods of time -- but not curable. That means if you choose to have someone like that in your life, you have to be prepared for the chaos, subterfuge, and destructiveness that can come with it, even if there are also happy times.

Fourth, I suspect that if you talk to most people who have had a relationship with someone with BPD, etc., they will tell you that although there were good times they miss, overall their lives are better without that person in theirs. That is, the good times never, ever outweigh the bad times. So, if you're no longer with that person, consider yourself fortunate in this regard. Chances are, you will be happier in the long run.

Last, take care of yourself and find someone who not only cares about you but deserves you. When you're with someone with BPD, etc., that's usually not the case. You don't deserve them, and in their own way, they're just using you, even when they are benign. No one deserves to be used in a relationship. So, focus on making yourself whole again, look for people in your life who bring positive things to it, and put that other person behind you. Trust us, they will end up unhappy and ruining someone else's life.

[Hallowyote]

To once removed, therapy and psych are slow going. Haven't made much progress yet. I recently made a new friend who went through something very similar which helps a little but I always find myself drifting back into ruminating and grief. Still stuck to the what ifs of what I could've done differently or what was even real

[once removed]

I always find myself drifting back into ruminating and grief. Still stuck to the what ifs of what I could've done differently or what was even real

do you want to talk about any of it? you can work through these things with people that have lived it.

[Hallowyote]

do you want to talk about any of it? you can work through these things with people that have lived it.

Unfortunately don't feel like I'm in a place where that will help just yet. Thank you though

[SinisterComplex]

Unfortunately don't feel like I'm in a place where that will help just yet. Thank you though

My friend you might be surprised. However, take your time and just know whenever you are ready that there are people who care, who get it and understand. We do have your back here if you will let us ;-).

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[PeteWitsend]

...

Fourth, I suspect that if you talk to most people who have had a relationship with someone with BPD, etc., they will tell you that although there were good times they miss, overall their lives are better without that person in theirs. That is, the good times never, ever outweigh the bad times. So, if you're no longer with that person, consider yourself fortunate in this regard. Chances are, you will be happier in the long run.

...

This.

There's such a wide gulf in understanding here between the people who were dumped and the people who WISH they were dumped.

To @Hallowyote, it may help to gain some perspective by reading the threads of those who - for whatever reason - lasted longer in their relationships to a pwBPD, such that they had to end it in order to recover from the chaos that person was causing in their lives.

Had the person in your life chosen a different path because of their disorder, namely over-attachment, instead of the abandonment you experienced, you'd likely have a different but still very negative experience with them. 

Be wary of attempts to reconcile, especially if they're made with attempts to blame you for the split.  This could set a bad precedent for them to treat you poorly.  Even if you think reconciliation is what you want, don't set aside your own self worth and respect to get it.  It may seem like a small concession for the sake of getting back together, but you give an inch, they take a mile.

[Hallowyote]

To PeteWitsend, I've read through so many stories on here and intellectually I know if it ended this way it wasn't really good it's just hard to accept it emotionally. I still feel an extremely strong connection. Likely because of codependency but I also wonder if my autism is part of the cause. I can't handle change well and the whole future seemed set in stone for so long I just don't know how to reconcile it with myself. I feel like my excessive needs compared to others are the true cause, like it would be too much for anyone to be with me. Can't help but wish it never turned out this way. I miss the feeling that I was valued despite my flaws but I haven't been able to find it in myself.

[SinisterComplex]

To PeteWitsend, I've read through so many stories on here and intellectually I know if it ended this way it wasn't really good it's just hard to accept it emotionally. I still feel an extremely strong connection. Likely because of codependency but I also wonder if my autism is part of the cause. I can't handle change well and the whole future seemed set in stone for so long I just don't know how to reconcile it with myself. I feel like my excessive needs compared to others are the true cause, like it would be too much for anyone to be with me. Can't help but wish it never turned out this way. I miss the feeling that I was valued despite my flaws but I haven't been able to find it in myself.

So why would you or do you feel Autism is playing a role here? Can I have you give us more of your thought process on that?

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Hallowyote]

I struggle to pick up on hints or social cues and recently was overextending myself working a schedule I couldn't keep up with. I went into autistic burnout which mirrors severe depression but with meltdowns/shutdowns. I feel like my agitation and withdrawal from most things made me miserable to be around. I was hardly even able to do household chores and had no energy to do social activities like she wanted. It feels like my fault she was miserable. Like I should've noticed something was wrong and tried to talk about it

[SinisterComplex]

I struggle to pick up on hints or social cues and recently was overextending myself working a schedule I couldn't keep up with. I went into autistic burnout which mirrors severe depression but with meltdowns/shutdowns. I feel like my agitation and withdrawal from most things made me miserable to be around. I was hardly even able to do household chores and had no energy to do social activities like she wanted. It feels like my fault she was miserable. Like I should've noticed something was wrong and tried to talk about it

So I can understand where you are coming from at least when put into that perspective. However, the most important thing to keep in mind when looking at this situation for yourself is that each and every one of us are responsible for our own actions, emotions, and feelings in general. That is where I think you are being unfair to yourself.

Also, typically if someone is miserable it usually has little to do with another person...usually they are miserable already on their own and perhaps external factors add to it, but you being the main cause...do not do that to yourself or put that in your head. That would be wrong my friend.

It is okay to accept responsibility for your part or your role, but the situation is never one-sided and that black and white. There is a lot more grey here so cut yourself some slack...I know that is hard to do, but trust me it is not all your fault...that isn't possible and that does not make any logical sense.

However, enough for now. I know this is incredibly hard for you. There is no right or wrong answer right now so no pressure my friend. I am just here trying to help you not put so much on yourself.

This will be a process and there will be a lot of ebbs and flows, but just know you do have support here.

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[H71]

I completely get this i feel the same