Rebuilding and re-dating after BPD Relationship

[SnailShell]

I got into my relationship with a BPD sufferer just as I was trying to put elements of my life together.

I’m training in a new field, and continuing to run my small business as I do so (it is REALLY small right now - money is a little tight, but I’m surviving).

I’m now… I think… largely ‘over’ the BPD relationship - though maybe still processing it a little.

My business is teaching related.
I have a specialised room which is across the road from my mum’s place.

It means that I tend to leave my city each week to go back to her’s, and then stay a day or two - which tends to leave me feeling a bit frustrated.

Having come out of this wild relationship, I now want to:

1 - have a genuine, solid base for myself, where I can visit my mum without *having* to.

2 - I want to meet a real nice girl, who’s a friend first and foremost (but who I’m also ‘loved up’ with).

I don’t find this stuff intuitively easy to figure out.

Here’s the question:

After your BPD relationship, how did you rebuild your life in a solid way?

And how did you make sure to avoid bad relationships in the future,  and get involved in much healthier things?

[Under The Bridge]

For myself, I made sure that I did not feel guilty about what happened and I think that's the important first step to maintaining confidence. I can put my hand on the Bible and know that I treated her well, was100% genuine and went way beyond all expectations to try and keep the relationship. It failed and it wasn't my fault. It's natural to think 'Was some of this my fault?' but the answer is usually 'No, it wasn't'. Don't get into thinking that you are also damaged.

Try to put the relationship in a box, with clear 'start' and 'end' dates. It helped me to close off. Nothing wrong with revisiting old happy memories from time to time but don't dwell on it like it's still a current thing. Easier said than done I know, but you must place it firmly in the past where it belongs and see it as a learning experience. It was a part of your life, not your whole life.

Be cautious about new relationships by all means but don't be cynical - when you meet someone new give them a 'blank slate' and don't instantly say 'Hmm.. they seem a bit quiet today have they got BPD?'. Again, it's hard to do when we're still suffering from the effects of a previous BPD partner. The year after my ex broke up with me, I met a fantastic girl who is still in my life after 35 years so keep an open mind, give new people a chance to show they're actually decent and don't let previous BPD experiences spoil the chance of something new and far better.

Spend time with friends, to remind you that the world goes on and that your friends are always there for you, no matter how much your life changes. Friends are the familiar 'constant' in life and give us security when we know they were there before our BPD relationship and will still be there afterwards.

If you have hobbies then this is the chance to do them and keep busy. I have far too many hobbies so no problem in filling my time up. If you have your own business then devote yourself to running it - you may end up meeting someone through business, who knows?  I can honestly say that I tend to meet new people and relationships when I'm not actually looking You never know what Fate has round the corner for you so try and be the best you can be, just in case it happens today.  Good luck!

[once removed]

And how did you make sure to avoid bad relationships in the future

i didnt. i went straight for them, as many of us have gone on to do. i was all at once hypervigilant, and needy.

one of the best pieces of advice i ever got here is that healthy dating is not about avoidance. you can arm yourself with 20 lists of 1000 so called red flags; none of that will bring you closer to what you want in a partner, or give you any idea how to attract it. its like trying to master a sport by only learning what not to do.

99% of what youve been through, or read here, you will see again in the dating world. avoiding it altogether isnt realistic or practical. when you recognize what you want in a relationship, gravitate toward it, work toward it, you naturally filter out the things you dont want, you can recognize a relationship that doesnt have a future, and when you encounter the lows of the dating world (and we all inevitably will), they wont grind you down so much - you will rebound.

furthermore, people subconsciously pick up on a wounded heart. healthy people will see you as emotionally unavailable or needy. other wounded people will bond with you over it (not an inherently bad thing, but not a great foundation for a romantic relationship).

invest in what you want in a partner and a relationship. build your relationship and life skills - be a man that can attract what you want, and date with confidence.

treat dating as part of the discovery process that will help you form a better idea of what you want in a partner, and of what you have to offer. thicken your skin by both being rejected, and rejecting. do a lot of it. the more experiences you have, the more data you collect.

It failed and it wasn't my fault.

relationships are a series of interactions. we were all in dysfunctional relationships. we all played a role in that dysfunction. we all struggled long afterward. key to going on to successfully date is learning from mistakes made in failed relationships. finding them and learning from them will help you not only let go of the old relationship, but to go forward with greater confidence, free of those old shackles.

[PeteWitsend]

...

one of the best pieces of advice i ever got here is that healthy dating is not about avoidance. you can arm yourself with 20 lists of 1000 so called red flags; none of that will bring you closer to what you want in a partner, or give you any idea how to attract it. its like trying to master a sport by only learning what not to do.

...

I agree with this.  About a year after I separated from BPDxw, (6 months or so after our divorce was finalized), I met someone else I was ready to get serious with.  I had dated in the meantime, but nothing serious. 

I made a checklist of "red flags" and when I met a partner that didn't seem to exhibit them, and seemed to be stable, living within her means, and emotionally even-keeled, I convinced myself that she was okay. 

Over time, that changed, in a way that is only now apparent to me as more of a classic BPD situation... idealization and a honeymoon period, before pressure to up the level of commitment by living together and threats to leave if she didn't get what she wanted.  I did call her bluff a couple times, and she backed down. 

We eventually did move in together, and things gradually deteriorated until our relationship completely broke down, and I had to end it, because it was completely dysfunctional, with her angry all the time, and starting to take things out on my daughter when she was with us (that's where I ultimately drew the line). 

My takeaways:

- think through what you will and won't tolerate, and do not make excuses for the person ("he/she is going through something"; "he/she is under stress at work")... you are responsible for how you let people treat you.
 
- don't avoid communicating about a "boundary violation" when it happens.  Don't put it off.  That sudden shocking outburst from him or her that caught you off-guard?  DON'T go away quietly and hope it was an isolated incident.  Confront them there, and if they escalate or refuse to apologize, etc. LEAVE.  Don't listen to excuses after the fact. If you've been on the end of a BPD-rant, you know what I'm talking about.

- pay attention to how they behave when they don't get their way.  This is a tell.

- realize that pwBPD may have had some time since their last breakup to mull over what happened and how to stay in their next relationship.  Their takeaway will never be "I need to treat my partner better" or "I am out of line and need to get help for my issues" No, their takeaway will be something manipulative and insidious, like "I need to keep it together just long enough until we live together/get married" ... so don't think that because some time period passed, you're in the clear.  Look at how they behave when they don't think they're being watched. 

[PeteWitsend]

just to add... I don't think it's wise to have a "formula" for evaluating people... pay attention to your gut instinct, and don't allow a personal rule to blind you to some other issue staring you in the face. 

There's simply no substitute for getting to know someone well, and understand what makes them tick, and what their flaws or weaknesses are.  It's a lot harder to do that if you've let the person bully you into a level of commitment that makes it hard to enforce personal boundaries with them.  And also, if enforcing personal boundaries means you have to end it, so be it.  Do not second guess yourself or wonder if it's your fault that it didn't work out.  It's that simple.  You didn't want a person to do XYZ to you, they did, when you confronted them about it, instead of apologizing and backing down they resorted to anger, finger pointing, excuses, etc. and tried to focus scrutiny back on you, you left.  You didn't appreciate that kind of behavior for what it is - abusive - before, but now you do. 

[zachira]

I too like many others with disordered people in their lives have gone through many cycles of choosing to surround myself with the wrong kind of people, people who are similar to my disordered family members. I now realize it is about how emotionally healthy I am which starts with having a healthy relationship with myself including having the right kind of boundaries with everyone. The hard part was the healthy people did not want me, let me know right away that my behaviors which were similar to my disordered family members were off putting to them. I now tell my friends we are not friends until we can recognize each other as separate people and can respectfully handle disagreements while still wanting to be friends. I am no longer so vulnerable to transactional narcissistic relationships and instead look for connection which is the complete opposite. It can be so hard not to fall for all the charm and love bombing yet once you are able to see that it is all an act to manipulate you, you will be turned off by it instead of attracted. People who are genuinely authentic most of the time, comfortable in being who they are, are safe though they will tell you when you are stepping on their toes, violating their healthy boundaries.

[SnailShell]

Thanks guys - these thoughts are all really helpful!

Yeah... I think I need to make sure that I'm as healthy as I can possibly be within myself, and then make sure that I don't tolerate anything which feels unhealthy.

With the last girl, I did know - I could see she wasn't in the best place... but she was really pretty, she came on really strong, she gave a realistic account of her recovery process, and I just kinda thought "Well... maybe I'm being paranoid, why not try this?" I had absolutely no frame of reference for personality disorders etc.

If I'd trusted my gut, I'd have done better, I think.

But I also think... I have an opportunity coming up to spend six months in a different city.
My business can then move online for a little, and although I'll lose some a couple of clients, I'll also have a little extra money waiting for me in this other city.

I might do that to get out of the orbit of always coming back to my mum's place - I love her and everything, but I feel a bit stuck in this cycle at the moment, and it isn't helping me to stand on my own two feet (though I also rent a room in the Big City, as well - it doesn't feel like I'm living there consistently, at the moment, because of my work cycle).

I think that'd help me to feel stronger, more empowered, and also less... I dunno... vulnerable to making disempowering decisions.