No affection in marriage

[Granite Chief]

My wife is a high functioning with BPD and she is high conflict with only me though. She can hold a job, is a great mother, good with money but when it comes to relationships it is really hard for her. She used to split ever 2-3 days then immediately wanted sex and I just do not work like that. She has done DBT and for the most part the explosions have gone. Now she is on the opposite side. It took me a while to see things have changed but now, she asks me for things and because I do not do them exactly as she sees them she gets it she tells me I do not try and that I am wasting her time. We are just roommates that will never divorce but she will not show me love. I ignore those things and tell her I love her and try and let her know she is not alone.

What should I do? Just give up on affection? When I give up, she starts to feel like I am going to leave so she gets a little closer. Then I give her attention, and I am the roommate again I am selfish and feel like I am going to be alone forever. Her splits now happen mainly for her kid/my step kid or when her family or friends are over. I feel like it is triggering something from her past. I do not know what to do but I feel very alone. Thank you for your input and let me know if you need clarification.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

@Chief: 

The dynamics when friends/family are around are familiar to many of us here. 

It may be about attention and focus, i.e., when others are present and your spouse has to share your attention and focus, she perceives that she's not important, not your focus, etc.  And because the way her perceptions may be distorted, she can't sense the difference between a momentary/temporary shift and a permanent one - so she "splits" because she feels and/fears that it's a permanent change - abandonment.

What to do?

Reducing or eliminating time with friends/family doesn't address the underlying dynamics...

Have you attempted to communicate with your pwBPD ahead of time?  Some mix of validation, or at least avoiding invalidation, along with boundary setting, may help to reduce the splitting behavior in these circumstances.

Hang in there.

[Granite Chief]

I have all these rules that I have made for myself but I forget them sometimes. One of them is to talk to her about this situation before we go into family/friend situations. Maybe I need to write down these rules but the rules change sometimes. Why do people like me remember she is in a split but think it is forever over and over again. I get fooled every time and I am not sure why. The push pull of this relationship is our dance.