Now what though?

[AlwaysAnxious]

When it rains, it pours.  My UDD is having a rough weekend which means I am having a rough weekend too.

I've taken the advice of setting boundaries and I thought it was going well.  The one thing I don't do well, is leave when she is being abusive and so, today, I decided was the day to take that stand since my day had already been derailed several hours in order to be there for her and we weren't really solving any issues.

During a splitting situation, I remained calm only to continue to be chastised and swore at.  I told her I would leave if it continued.  It continued.  I walked to the door and my heart broke when she said I was leaving her again and that I ALWAYS leave her when she needs me. This isn't true and I know that but I felt so bad so I went back and sat with her for a bit.  Still the behavior continued and when she got up and slammed her hand on the counter as she yelled that I don't listen, I'm never there fore her and I don't try to avoid her triggers (all communication things that I desperately do try but there are just so many rules!), she said she was "done" and I said I was as well and so I was going to go.  As I left, she was of course screaming and I just calming told her I loved her and I would be happy to come back or speak with her again once she was calmer and respectful.  I was actually a bit proud of myself until....

I was driving home - I live 5--10 minutes away and my other child called in a panic.  She had called and said how much she loved and was proud of them and that they were always a good sibling.  She asked that the message be passed on to me and my husband.  She was driving at the time (though had a sporting thing so expected). She was clearly trying to indicate that she was going to hurt herself. 

I haven't heard from her since.  I've texted a couple of time to let her know I'm here and I love her but she won't answer any of us.  So...do I just wait? I mean, she's threatened many times before and while I think she wants the pain to end, I don't think she wants to die.  She's so lost and hurting and I don't know how to help her. Calling the police will make it worse at this point and I know she has another sporting event tonight so expect for her to be out again. (she doesn't live with me).

Advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Yes just wait in my opinion.

Walking away from the tirade and abuse is a huge trigger and gets a huge response. But if you don't you are captive to the emotional turmoil DD is in.

You no doubt are in turmoil - anxious, feeling guilty, what if etc

But no matter what happens - you didn't cause this, you can't cure it, you cant control it . . .

You are not responsible to 'fix it'.

No matter what happens, your daughter is loved.

You are taking huge steps to separate, but I pick up from what you say that you are very emotionally attached and it is this that DD taps into. Can I suggest coming back to the 'Letting Go' poem and especially:

Letting go is to fear less and to love more.

[Sancho]

I should have asked if there is anyone else she might be in contact with that you could check with?

[Sancho]

Just thinking of you and wondering how things are?

[AlwaysAnxious]

Thanks for checking in, Sancho.  Things haven't changed.  I've spent the last 2 hours being told how terrible I am and how she hopes I can explain "the role I played" in her choices in the future, when people ask.  I am heartbroken and lost and to be honest, feel like there's no help out there at all.