Hello toxic choices, my old friend.

[thewilltoleave]

I'm just reflecting on myself and not just the relationship with my soon to be ex husband with BPD but just my poor relationship choices in general. And not even just romantic relationships. I have a problem with investing too much into people who end up not actually investing in me at all.

I've talked about this a little on here, kind of danced around it, because talking about it  at all makes me feel really uncomfortable. But I did have what I thought was an important friendship that I happened to develop feelings for without meaning to (post separation but just feelings and obviously nothing happened), but then realized way, way too late that this person doesn't care at all. And at first I was a bit embarrassed that I was taking this that hard. But I think what actually really hurts me is just that I thought I had a bond with someone that meant a lot to me, and then in short order got to learn in a really miserable way that this person doesn't think about our friendship more than someone thinks about what they ate for breakfast last week. I really value genuine connections with people, and I'm very honest with how I feel, and I think I just made the mistake of believing that someone is as invested in building close relationships as I am. So it really took the wind out of my sails for a while, and made me really second guess myself, to the point where I almost felt delusional. Like, am I that bad at friendship? Am I really that forgettable and not of value that you don't think about me at all? I'm working on rebuilding from that, and I know logically I have friends who genuinely like me a a person and don't make me feel worthless.

So, lesson learned. This happened a while ago but I still have to deal with the situation every now and then, and it still brings up a lot of anger and hurt, and I think at least having an understanding of why these feelings come up for me helps. I'm trying to remind myself, and sometimes successfully (mostly not) that it isn't wrong to really care about people and want meaningful connection to matter. But not everyone wants that, it is what it is. I just need to be better about identifying when someone really cares me and when they just don't. I need to pay attention to the actions more, and I think when I get that anxious pit in my stomach that's probably a sign that something isn't right. I think that's just some leftover trauma from the past relationship, trying to "fix it" when it doesn't feel right even if there isn't anything to be fixed, trying to chase someone instead of reading the room and seeing myself out. Looking for answers and closure when someone clearly isn't going to give it to you. I do think I deserve more than that...logically.

So, I have kept my distance, not just from that person but I've been cautious about new friendships in general. Obviously like I have stated multiple times before, I am in no way interested in a romantic relationship with anyone while I'm trying to sort out my brain and clearly not while I'm not fully divorced.  And I do think in the future I'll be a lot more careful and mindful about who gets the best parts of me in my friendships, because I don't want just anyone to get to know the real me right now, the vulnerable stuff. Not everyone deserves that information, and as much as I'd love to just be open and vulnerable, the reality is not everyone is kind or considerate or careful, and I'm not really in a place right now that I can handle someone messy coming along rattling my confidence while it's already shaky.

This is mostly a vent session, but if anyone did read, thanks. I'll be okay. I think I really just needed to get it out in a place that feels safe to me.

One day I'll be a securely attached girl...but not this day.

[try2heal]

You're not alone in this.
My pwBPD was my first real relationship after divorce--3 years of roller coasters, a million overnight breakups followed by "How are you, sweetheart" and "I couldn't understand why you didn't call me" with claims that he didn't remember. (undiagnosed)

I'm trying to get out there again, and I've found myself behaving (on the apps) the absolute opposite of how I met him. Instead of trying to get to know someone before I meet them, I am quick to make an in-person, casual date. I'm sharing what I do, but not who I am or what I'm looking for. That gives me enough information to know whether we can carry on a conversation but also means that he can't create a persona that is what I said I wanted. It's a weird juxtaposition for me, but I'm liking it.

Anyway, a tangent but I'm following your lead of figuring out what I need to say out loud (figuratively) and leaving it here. Thank you