Discarded by my bpd boyfriend

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all I’m new here, After I enlighten you all about my current circumstances I was hoping that, I will be able to understand the dynamics of it all, because at this present moment I feel lost, confused, and hurt. So my ex boyfriend so to speak, got diagnosed with BPD back in 2018. Before we coupled I knew him pretty well as a friend I knew he had Mental Health Problems but I’m not a judgemental person because at the end of the day he’s still a human being, I was aware he had other issues that followed with his Bpd ect. About 6 months ago we got together as a couple ect…. I’m a health care assistant so for me certain things that would happen I knew was part of his BPD, he’d tell me he hated me, always negative things, was very insecure and paranoid, would ask me who messaged my mobile ect. Then he said to me at one point you never touch me, I wasn’t aware that this was his way of telling me he wanted to get intimate as he didn’t say anything to be honest he actually stropped like a child would not getting their own way at times. He would push and pull me, many times the dynamics of him wanting me then pushing me away. Sometimes this became unsettling and confusing for me at times but I really tried to eliminate this things quickly by using my judgment and asking him to tell me what it was he wanted. Sometimes he’s tell me then others times he wouldn’t. October came around he stayed with me for like longer my periods of times, then go back to his accommodation, so this day he got into the bed and stayed their for 3 days, I couldn’t understand what was wrong, when he left to return to his place he was like if you think we’re not going to work or your happy you know what to do. I explained it was neither one of these issues I just get frustrated when he doesn’t speak to me so I cannot put things right if I don’t know what the problem is. The following day he called me I accidentally missed his call and realised he called me twice but I never heard the phone as it was in the other room. That was it I called ample times and messaged got no response at all, this went on for a week of him ignoring me, I managed to get through to him on another chat app, WhatsApp, he then went absolutely crazy at me, telling me he told me before I didn’t touch him he would leave, I was so confused because I actually thought that got resolved.
For me this was because I missed his call.
He was so spiteful with the things he was saying to me, he then said it’s over I’m sleeping with someone else. And blocked me on all his me social apps, I couldn’t message him either.
Obviously I was so distraught hurt but more so confused than anything else.

Where I work he lives within the same complex, obviously he would know if I’m in work or not.
But previously I told him I was leaving there as I wasn’t happy, he was fine with it then, but now with the situation the way it is, I’m not sure how this is going to affect him.
I left work on the 24th of October, my friend who knows my ex well, I called her and explained to her I wasn’t at wit and I left could she explain this to my ex as he was already aware I wasn’t at wit going to leave at some point, but obviously didn’t take notice because he would of known.
That evening my friend calls me to tell me he returned back to his home late he’d been out, but she told him he said I don’t care it’s over I’m done with everything.
I haven’t spoken to him at all, the problem I have all his belongings are still at my home, I asked my friend to ask him what I should do with them he is like throw them in the bin, I won’t do this and he knows this as I told previously I’m not that kind of women.
In the mean time I’m left feeling numb, like I don’t understand what’s happened how it got to that point, im so confused and frustrated but I’m also hurting.
Right now I just don’t know much about anything or what I’m supposed to do.
Can anybody enlighten me on what this process is and what should I do. I need to understand what’s happened with a little clarity I may be able to deal with this whole situation with a clearer head.
Many thanks

[Broken#me]

Hi all I’m new here, After I enlighten you all about my current circumstances I was hoping that, I will be able to understand the dynamics of it all, because at this present moment I feel lost, confused, and hurt. So my ex boyfriend so to speak, got diagnosed with BPD back in 2018. Before we coupled I knew him pretty well as a friend I knew he had Mental Health Problems but I’m not a judgemental person because at the end of the day he’s still a human being, I was aware he had other issues that followed with his Bpd ect. About 6 months ago we got together as a couple ect…. I’m a health care assistant so for me certain things that would happen I knew was part of his BPD, he’d tell me he hated me, always negative things, was very insecure and paranoid, would ask me who messaged my mobile ect. Then he said to me at one point you never touch me, I wasn’t aware that this was his way of telling me he wanted to get intimate as he didn’t say anything to be honest he actually stropped like a child would not getting their own way at times. He would push and pull me, many times the dynamics of him wanting me then pushing me away. Sometimes this became unsettling and confusing for me at times but I really tried to eliminate this things quickly by using my judgment and asking him to tell me what it was he wanted. Sometimes he’s tell me then others times he wouldn’t. October came around he stayed with me for like longer my periods of times, then go back to his accommodation, so this day he got into the bed and stayed their for 3 days, I couldn’t understand what was wrong, when he left to return to his place he was like if you think we’re not going to work or your happy you know what to do. I explained it was neither one of these issues I just get frustrated when he doesn’t speak to me so I cannot put things right if I don’t know what the problem is. The following day he called me I accidentally missed his call and realised he called me twice but I never heard the phone as it was in the other room. That was it I called ample times and messaged got no response at all, this went on for a week of him ignoring me, I managed to get through to him on another chat app, WhatsApp, he then went absolutely crazy at me, telling me he told me before I didn’t touch him he would leave, I was so confused because I actually thought that got resolved.
For me this was because I missed his call.
He was so spiteful with the things he was saying to me, he then said it’s over I’m sleeping with someone else. And blocked me on all his me social apps, I couldn’t message him either.
Obviously I was so distraught hurt but more so confused than anything else.

Where I work he lives within the same complex, obviously he would know if I’m in work or not.
But previously I told him I was leaving there as I wasn’t happy, he was fine with it then, but now with the situation the way it is, I’m not sure how this is going to affect him.
I left work on the 24th of October, my friend who knows my ex well, I called her and explained to her I wasn’t at wit and I left could she explain this to my ex as he was already aware I wasn’t at wit going to leave at some point, but obviously didn’t take notice because he would of known.
That evening my friend calls me to tell me he returned back to his home late he’d been out, but she told him he said I don’t care it’s over I’m done with everything.
I haven’t spoken to him at all, the problem I have all his belongings are still at my home, I asked my friend to ask him what I should do with them he is like throw them in the bin, I won’t do this and he knows this as I told previously I’m not that kind of women.
In the mean time I’m left feeling numb, like I don’t understand what’s happened how it got to that point, im so confused and frustrated but I’m also hurting.
Right now I just don’t know much about anything or what I’m supposed to do.
Can anybody enlighten me on what this process is and what should I do. I need to understand what’s happened with a little clarity I may be able to deal with this whole situation with a clearer head.
Many thanks

[try2heal]

Welcome to the family.
This is my first time being a first response, so I hope I do okay  . Mostly I would say that your ex's behavior isn't going to make sense. You are going to see, through reading posts and getting responses, that it's a pattern we're all familiar with, but that does not mean it makes sense.
pwBPD partners push and pull. When they feel vulnerable, sad, scared, or guilty (or any other negative emotion), they attack us. They cannot take full accountability (without triggering the guilt), so the blame and the responsibility for "fixing" it falls on us.
You have done nothing wrong, you cannot change his behavior.

I've just finally done the exchange of belongings with my udBPDexBF and he immediately starting pushing to get back together again. When he started accusing me of throwing something away and not caring enough, I finally just blocked him. That's bringing so many emotions to the forefront that I'm checking this site multiple times a day just to be reminded I'm not alone.

So I remind you: you're not alone. Give yourself a little time to breathe, assess, and read people's stories here. Then think about how to offer his belongings to him in a way that feels both fair and safe to you.

[findinggratitude]

Hi try to heal. Try to just take a deep breath and read some similar posts on here (go to my first post a month and a half ago if you want....same emotional chaos and pain) and you will see you're not alone. All I can add is that you will start to clear out the big mess your head is in right now, and as the shattered feeling starts to heal a little bit, things will become easier to manage in your mind. I am not all the way there, but how I feel, what I understand, and the level of acceptance without a chronic sense of angst is so much greater.

[findinggratitude]

Whoops. I mean hi Broken. But I guess I'll say hi to you too, try ;)

[Broken#me]

Hi Trytoheal.
First of all I want to say thankyou for your advice and support, this is such a hard time for me, I was actually blind to this but assumed as I’m a health Care assistant I would be able to pick up on the red flags regarding BP.  But I now realise this is not the case. I feel like they do reverse of what they mean but it actually is worse because their actions in return are to completely change the dynamics in the situation, but tarnish you as being the bad person along with making you feel so worthless but hurt you in the process. I’ve started reading up on this condition and everything you have said is very much right, this is such a complex condition but have a major impact on people involved with it.
My heart breaks because I was willing to give this my all and be there for him along with everything else you would do if you’re willing to commit yourself for someone you love. He’s potentially sabotaged what we had for nothing really. However this is what they do it’s a common movement of theirs. It baffles me how they just walk away discard you have no empathy or consideration for the damage they have caused. Will he return I doubt not so his belongings is something I will deal with at a later date for now I’m just concentrating on fixing me. So again thankyou very much for this it’s made things a clearer for me.

[Broken#me]

Hi Trytoheal.
First of all I want to say thankyou for your advice and support, this is such a hard time for me, I was actually blind to this but assumed as I’m a health Care assistant I would be able to pick up on the red flags regarding BPD. But I now realise this is not the case. I feel like they do reverse of what they mean but it actually is worse because their actions in return are to completely change the dynamics in the situation, but tarnish you as being the bad person along with making you feel so worthless but hurt you in the process. I’ve started reading up on this condition and everything you have said is very much right, this is such a complex condition but have a major impact on people involved with it.
My heart breaks because I was willing to give this my all and be there for him along with everything else you would do if you’re willing to commit yourself for someone you love. He’s potentially sabotaged what we had for nothing really. However this is what they do it’s a common movement of theirs. It baffles me how they just walk away discard you have no empathy or consideration for the damage they have caused. Will he return I doubt not so his belongings is something I will deal with at a later date for now I’m just concentrating on fixing me. So again thankyou very much for this it’s made things a clearer for me.

[Broken#me]

Hi Findinggratitude,
Thankyou for your kind words of support, I actually didn’t realise how much BPD has an impact on so many peoples lives and being on here has given me an insight and show me how traumatic the aftermath or even people going through this right now can be.
I feel blessed to have found this site because reading some of the stories here breaks my heart further. But for now I’m concentrating on me. Thankyou again for your kind words of support. I do question myself though wondering the healing process but I  guess time will tell.

[try2heal]

Broken, You are in the right place, friend.
I also thought I would see red flags, at least of abusive behavior, due to my professional history. One aspect I realized is that I see red flags everywhere, thus I ignore red flags!  Now I know better...I hope!

[try2heal]

Whoops. I mean hi Broken. But I guess I'll say hi to you too, try ;)

LOL, thanks, FindingGratitude, we all need a hello sometimes.
I have found this board helps me replace the energy/dopamine cycle my ex put me on. It's a bit of an addiction, but this one fuels me while his emptied me.

[findinggratitude]

I agree. But it's a safe addiction. I also find it keeps me from "going rogue" and deciding to do something I might later regret as far as my ex is concerned. Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing, and engaging with people who have had similar experiences makes it seem less daunting and more like an "action" rather than just being passive in a way that feels uncomfortable. Right?