Supporting my partner and myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I have a significant other with BPD and need help knowing how to balance being a supportive partner with taking care of myself and setting boundaries. I am a natrually caring person and want to be the best partner I can be to her. We have been together about a year and I am feeling drained and exhausted. I don't know if this can be my whole life. She is so caring one minute then the next completley unloads all her upset at me. If I try and set a boundary, especially with my time, she comes for my family, friends, responsibilities, and I feel like anything I tell her can be used as a weapon against me later. I know I am not doing wrong by asking for basic needs, but I often find myself forgoeing them because I am afraid of her blowing up. She often needs me to help her regulate and get grounded after getting upset and I am happy to help but this means I have to support myself completley on my own after being hurt and help regulate her. I feel very alone. How do I balance supporting her and supporting myself?

Some things she has told me are supportive are: grounding her in reality and helping her come down from flare ups, calling her out/calling her in when she is pushing me away, being direct and honest with her about what I feel, understanding and not judging her for flare ups, being kind and sweet, valuing and validating her emotions no matter the size, treating her "like a real person"

I want to do my best for my partner and know I can't do that without caring for myself, but I feel unable to care for myself because it regularly starts a conflict.

Any help or advice is welcome and appreciated.

[CarolAnne82]

Hi all,

I have a significant other with BPD and need help knowing how to balance being a supportive partner with taking care of myself and setting boundaries. I am a natrually caring person and want to be the best partner I can be to her. We have been together about a year and I am feeling drained and exhausted. I don't know if this can be my whole life. She is so caring one minute then the next completley unloads all her upset at me. If I try and set a boundary, especially with my time, she comes for my family, friends, responsibilities, and I feel like anything I tell her can be used as a weapon against me later. I know I am not doing wrong by asking for basic needs, but I often find myself forgoeing them because I am afraid of her blowing up. She often needs me to help her regulate and get grounded after getting upset and I am happy to help but this means I have to support myself completley on my own after being hurt and help regulate her. I feel very alone. How do I balance supporting her and supporting myself?

Some things she has told me are supportive are: grounding her in reality and helping her come down from flare ups, calling her out/calling her in when she is pushing me away, being direct and honest with her about what I feel, understanding and not judging her for flare ups, being kind and sweet, valuing and validating her emotions no matter the size, treating her "like a real person"

I want to do my best for my partner and know I can't do that without caring for myself, but I feel unable to care for myself because it regularly starts a conflict.

Any help or advice is welcome and appreciated.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LittleRedBarn]

I want to do my best for my partner and know I can't do that without caring for myself, but I feel unable to care for myself because it regularly starts a conflict.

I have the exact same experience with my dBPD husband and am struggling to work out how to handle it.

Looking forward to the responses on this thread from people with more experience than I have!