My fiancee struggles with BPD. How can I help

[LostDreamer93]

Hey, I'm really new to all of this. I've been engaged to my partner for about 3 months now. Recently she has gone through a move. Has a fairly rough family life. And we are long distance at the moment. She doesn't usually get angry. Mostly just indifferent when it hits. But this most recent moment. As of three days ago. She has been very pessimistic towards our relationship. Towards herself and her family. But never directly towards me. Can I help at all? Is there anything I can do to make it easier? I'm struggling with the silence and just want to help her feel loved. Like I won't leave

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

can you tell us more about whats going on?

what is she pessimistic about? how is she expressing this to you?

it could be the ordinary stresses of a marriage (which can take a toll on anyone, but people with bpd especially dont handle stress well). it could be that shes just confiding in you. it could be deeper fears and inadequacies more related to bpd.

its hard to say without knowing more. it may be that she just needs you to listen.

[LostDreamer93]

She is very pessimistic about even being with me anymore. She was being stressed by her mother and step dad but she's been away from home now for a few days. But her mood has not improved. She keeps asking if there is any way to get rid of me. If she can live a life of solitude. She doesn't want anyone else. She jaut said she pities me. That she thinks I'm a fool for staying and loving her. And many other hurtful things.

[once removed]

shes telling you that marrying her is a bad idea and that she doesnt want to follow through.

gut check time.

are her fears real? are they BPD?

in other words, is this a matter of cold feet, second thoughts, doubts? or deep fear and possible incompatibilities.

either one can have major implications. there can certainly be a mix of both.

it certainly sounds, based on your post, that shes having a bit of crisis over the impending marriage. thats not necessarily, in and of itself, a horrible or abnormal thing. it could be a normal thing, a bpd thing, or both.

what do you think? you know her best. how are the two of you interfacing when she expresses these things?

[LostDreamer93]

It is definitely a BPD thing. She was extremely overjoyed at the idea of marrying me. She was planning for weeks. Our compatibility has been better than ever. Our goals and dreams are aligned. We have similar morals, values, and ideals. But with her. Her episodes strike pretty much any time she is forced to deal with family over something uncomfortable. Over anything majorly stressful like a move or if her university is overwhelming her. And her reaction is to go from her usual self straight to indifference and or anger. It lasts a few days then boom back to normal