CODA/Al-Anon

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have signed up for my first CODA meeting this week and I'm feeling nervous, as I don't really know what to expect.

Can anyone here share their experiences, and whether it has helped them in their relationship with a person with BPD? Or in their life generally?

NotWendy, you have mentioned before that you have had some experience of this kind of group - could you talk some more about how it has helped you?

[LittleRedBarn]

I have signed up for my first CODA meeting this week and I'm feeling nervous, as I don't really know what to expect.

Can anyone here share their experiences, and whether it has helped them in their relationship with a person with BPD? Or in their life generally?

NotWendy, you have mentioned before that you have had some experience of this kind of group - could you talk some more about how it has helped you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I’ll post more later but I was scared about walking into a meeting too. I didn’t know what to expect! But the people are not judgmental and not scary ! I think for the first time - just go and listen and see what it is about.

I found it to be supportive but not always in a way we think. Rather than take my side - my sponsor turned the mirror on me ! Since we can only control ourselves - this helps us see what we can do.

The dynamics with a BPD family member are similar to that of with someone with alcohol or drug addiction. So the information is relevant even if it’s not specific to BPD.

Go - listen- and see what it’s like.

[Notwendy]

A bit more. I think the program is for us. Co-dependent behaviors affect all our relationships, not just the one with the pwBPD. As to helping the relationship/person- it helps in ways we may not think is "helping" because if we are being co-dependent, it's hard to see where we are actually helping or enabling.

It helps the other person to stop enabling them. They may not like this initially. But it's good for them in the long run to not enable them. Enabling may appear to us as helping but we are not acting in their best interest to do so.

Think of it in this idea. A child wants cookies for dinner. The parent knows it isn't in the best interest of the child to let them eat cookies for dinner and says no. The child isn't happy in the moment, and has a tantrum. The parent has two choices- give the child a cookie to make them happy and "soothe" their feelings for them. Or, hold their ground and let the child tantrum- but this allows the child to learn to better self regulate.

Your BPD family member may not be happy when you decrease your enabling/co-dependent behavior. There may be an extinction burst in their behavior to get what they want ( if it's physically dangerous to you, this is a different situation- we are assuming they will just be angry and act out). If you give in- it's like giving the child a cookie. If you can hold your ground, the pwBPD has the opportunity to grow emotionally (as much as is possible).

It's not a quick process but in time, you will see improvement if you stick with the program- it's "progress, not perfection". To really get the best result- it's important to work with a sponsor. Generally you would have to ask someone to be your sponsor. By going to meetings and listening, you will probably find a more seasoned group member who you feel is a good fit. It takes some time to get to know the group members. It's a lay group- anyone can be there. I think you will see people with all kinds of situations- some you would think would not be a good sponsor for you and others who you feel would be good ones.

The groups also can have a different feel to them depending on the mix of people there. They all follow the same basic 12 step format. If there's more than one group in your area, try attending the different ones to see how you may feel fits better. If there's only a few or one that works for you, that is OK too- you can work with it.

[314rabbit]

There's a very casual al anon group near my home that I started attending again, and I've run ACA groups as well.

These spaces are great for getting your head on straight, so to speak. It's a bunch of people who have been there before, and may be there now. A place to be listened to. They often have coffee, and there's usually a script of some sort that gets used. After a few meetings, you'll get a handle on how things are done.

I hope you enjoy your first meeting!

[Notwendy]

Yes, each group seems to have it's own culture. There's a script - format that is followed. With members who have been there a while- we know the script and so may be less formal about it- but it still has a format. Sometimes there's a group leader and sometimes we take turns leading.

These are lay groups- not professional counseling but experienced members have a lot of wisdom to contribute. I think the best results are when someone does the whole program- meetings, working with a sponsor.

So why are there people who go for long times? You'd think that if the program worked, we'd not have to go. Probably the best answer I can think of is that- we are always learning. It's a growth process. The last step involves helping others too. People go to "give back" share what they have learned. It's all voluntary.

Also because progress isn't always linear and we can still continue to learn from each other.

[Notwendy]

A bit on how it has helped. All relationships take two people but we can't always see our part in it. I had heard of co-dependency before but it didn't make sense to me. I think people resist the term because of the word "dependency". It's not the same. Someone can be co-dependent and yet be the one in the relationsip who is providing the financial and emotional support. So it's hard to see how they can be co-dependent too.

This is the situation I grew up with. Dad was the one who earned the money in the family. My low functioning BPD mother is very dependent. Yet, somehow her needs were the focus of the family. Everything seemed to revolve around her. She had the power in the family. This is co-dependency- excessive focus on someone else.

It was difficult to see because it was the "normal" in our family. Working with a sponsor helped me to see where my "helping" wasn't really helping. It's difficult to have someone turn the mirror on our own behavior. It was more like "tough love", but it did help me to look at my own behavior. The groups help too- all of it helps but the one on one with a sponsor is the one on one aspect of it.

[LittleRedBarn]

Thanks, NotWendy and 314 Rabbit for these very helpful responses.

NotWendy, your parents' marriage sounds very similar to my parents' relationship, although I would say my mother had more NPD than BPD traits. But I think the same dynamic applies. Everyone tiptoed around making sure she was never upset. I remember her complaining about the weather in February once, and my father immediately booked flights to the Caribbean. And, like you, I thought this was 'normal'.

I started working on believing that it was OK for her to be upset a long time ago, with severe consequences for my relationship with them both. In the end, they both disinherited me. But I think I've just transferred my behavior onto my relationship with my dBPD husband.

If I'm going to make a go of rebuilding my marriage, I definitely have to address this now.

I'll let you know how I get on with CODA!