Discarded badly by BPD friends with Benefits guy

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi Everyone
This is my first post on this forum though i have been reading other post for sometime
I will try to keep it short as i already posted on Reddit BPD group and got lot of hate
This post is just to vent/to feel validated as my friends think that i was the stupidest person to trust this guy friend

We were friends for 3 yrs where i had somewhat idea about his relationship but constantly told me that his relationship with his girlfriend is not good as she was egoistic and was not fulfilling his emotional needs
After three years of supporting him in his depression and suicidal thoughts he told me that he has Quiet BPD which i didn't take it seriously as i didn't think it was something serious
Even after constantly complaining about his girlfriend to me he still got married to her and after marriage within few weeks asked me to meet for lunch and started flirting with me ...i already had a crush on him but i respected his marriage so didn't say anything but didn't stop him from flirting with me either (own mental health struggle and co-depedancy issue)
He unofficial separated from his wife within month after marriage and hooking up with ex girlfriends and other female friends which i knew but didn't stop him as his friend after 1 year of this he started asking me for causual relationship and casual hookup which i denied constantly but after 6 months my relationship with my parents was not going great and i started confiding in him and he really helped me with that all meanwhile flirting and love bombing me which i didn't reciprocate till this bad situation at home..
I felt understood and loved for the first time and i unknowingly got really attached to him after which we got intimate 2 times (worst idea ever) to my surprise he was hooking up with some random girl (I guess karma is bad) so i stormed out of his house out of anger and then 2 weeks later i found out through social media that he went on 1 year anniversary honeymoon with his wife which was heartbreaking (don't know if i have a right to feel bad) i felt betrayed and lied too so i confronted him so he gave me fake apology after which i blocked him everywhere except whatsapp so after 6 months he hovered back accusing me of unnecessarily getting angry at him for sleeping with other woman and going on honeymoon with his wife which was shocking but he promised me to put efforts for us and his relationship is almost on verge of divorce and we started talking again (stupidity at my part as i missed our bond for those months we didn't talk) this went on for 2 months and again he started getting angry at me ghosting me out of nowhere when i confronted him he said that i am abusing him as he is going through rough time and is trying for divorce so i tried to understand and one random day one of our mutual friend asked me out on date through him which made him super mad at me ...i told him that i am only interested in him and not our friend but he ghosted me completely for 2 months i couldn't resist and called him after 2 months of NC as i went completely mental after waiting for him and to my surprise he got back with his wife and were living together again...i literally felt like dying after hearing that as two months prior he was going to get a divorce and put efforts to fix things between us and suddenly after 2 months they fixed their marriage... want to mention here that he and his wife were living separately for those 2 years but attending family gatherings together which was red flag i missed ...also due to all this behaviour from him over 5 yrs i turned completely anxious and paranoid also i always had a anger issue and i couldn't control myself and decided to show up at his house to expose him in front of his wife and another shock was Waiting for me ...his wife was 3 months pregnant...He lied throughout about his relationship dynamic with his wife and his wife shouted at me and tried to run me over with their car all while him watching from afar
Its been 4 months and i feel completely horrible, defeated and suicidal

I tried to talk to my best friend about it but like everyone she also thinks that i was stupid enough to trust him ... obviously he was using me for physical and emotional needs ...also i helped him alot financially

Don't know if i have any right to feel bad as i already knew he was married

But in my defence he portrayed his marriage as struggling and depressive event due to bad relationship with wife

Just wanted to vent , Apologies!!

[TiredSoul11]

Hi Everyone
This is my first post on this forum though i have been reading other post for sometime
I will try to keep it short as i already posted on Reddit BPD group and got lot of hate
This post is just to vent/to feel validated as my friends think that i was the stupidest person to trust this guy friend

We were friends for 3 yrs where i had somewhat idea about his relationship but constantly told me that his relationship with his girlfriend is not good as she was egoistic and was not fulfilling his emotional needs
After three years of supporting him in his depression and suicidal thoughts he told me that he has Quiet BPD which i didn't take it seriously as i didn't think it was something serious
Even after constantly complaining about his girlfriend to me he still got married to her and after marriage within few weeks asked me to meet for lunch and started flirting with me ...i already had a crush on him but i respected his marriage so didn't say anything but didn't stop him from flirting with me either (own mental health struggle and co-depedancy issue)
He unofficial separated from his wife within month after marriage and hooking up with ex girlfriends and other female friends which i knew but didn't stop him as his friend after 1 year of this he started asking me for causual relationship and casual hookup which i denied constantly but after 6 months my relationship with my parents was not going great and i started confiding in him and he really helped me with that all meanwhile flirting and love bombing me which i didn't reciprocate till this bad situation at home..
I felt understood and loved for the first time and i unknowingly got really attached to him after which we got intimate 2 times (worst idea ever) to my surprise he was hooking up with some random girl (I guess karma is bad) so i stormed out of his house out of anger and then 2 weeks later i found out through social media that he went on 1 year anniversary honeymoon with his wife which was heartbreaking (don't know if i have a right to feel bad) i felt betrayed and lied too so i confronted him so he gave me fake apology after which i blocked him everywhere except whatsapp so after 6 months he hovered back accusing me of unnecessarily getting angry at him for sleeping with other woman and going on honeymoon with his wife which was shocking but he promised me to put efforts for us and his relationship is almost on verge of divorce and we started talking again (stupidity at my part as i missed our bond for those months we didn't talk) this went on for 2 months and again he started getting angry at me ghosting me out of nowhere when i confronted him he said that i am abusing him as he is going through rough time and is trying for divorce so i tried to understand and one random day one of our mutual friend asked me out on date through him which made him super mad at me ...i told him that i am only interested in him and not our friend but he ghosted me completely for 2 months i couldn't resist and called him after 2 months of NC as i went completely mental after waiting for him and to my surprise he got back with his wife and were living together again...i literally felt like dying after hearing that as two months prior he was going to get a divorce and put efforts to fix things between us and suddenly after 2 months they fixed their marriage... want to mention here that he and his wife were living separately for those 2 years but attending family gatherings together which was red flag i missed ...also due to all this behaviour from him over 5 yrs i turned completely anxious and paranoid also i always had a anger issue and i couldn't control myself and decided to show up at his house to expose him in front of his wife and another shock was Waiting for me ...his wife was 3 months pregnant...He lied throughout about his relationship dynamic with his wife and his wife shouted at me and tried to run me over with their car all while him watching from afar
Its been 4 months and i feel completely horrible, defeated and suicidal

I tried to talk to my best friend about it but like everyone she also thinks that i was stupid enough to trust him ... obviously he was using me for physical and emotional needs ...also i helped him alot financially

Don't know if i have any right to feel bad as i already knew he was married

But in my defence he portrayed his marriage as struggling and depressive event due to bad relationship with wife

Just wanted to vent , Apologies!!

[kells76]

Hello TiredSoul11 and

The roller coaster you describe certainly does sound tiring, especially emotionally. Many relationships where BPD is in the mix, do seem to have lots of blurred boundaries, which can be really confusing and exhausting.

I can relate: my H's kids' mom is uBPD. ~3 months after she and H divorced, she was engaged to H's former best friend (uNPD, now the kids' stepdad). Probably only ~1 year into their marriage, we heard rumors that Stepdad was "helping" a single mom at his work (in a "more than just helping" way). ~5 years ago, I noticed Stepdad acting really close to his new best friend's wife, and I heard some stuff about how they hung out alone. ~2 years ago Stepdad "helped" Best Friend and Wife... right into a divorce. Then Stepdad wanted the kids' mom to be in a throuple with him and the wife; Mom refused so Stepdad is married on paper to her but has a girlfriend... his 2nd former best friend's wife.

Poor relational boundaries do seem to come up a lot when PDs are in play.

While I wasn't involved directly in those relationships, what I can say is -- whether your reasons for your choices "make sense" or not, the feelings you're feeling are real. Discussing if you should feel a certain way is a different conversation (though still valuable) from discussing that you do feel a certain way.

I wonder if it'd be helpful to name and work through what you're feeling -- which just is -- before doing more reflecting on "OK, so how did I get here"...?

Your situation does seem like an important one to reflect on and learn from. It might be able to help you learn more about your family of origin (FOO), what they presented to you as "normal relationships", and why you're attracted to certain people, personalities, or dynamics -- so you can be more successful moving forward.

...

So, I think I'm hearing you that you're feeling bad about things -- really ground into the dirt, really low, suicidal, and just at rock bottom.

Are there more things you're feeling, do you think?

[TiredSoul11]

Thank you so much for replying and thank you so much for validating my feelings.. as aftermath of this i feel i won't be able to trust someone again and get vulnerable with them...it is difficult to not ruminate and not feel angry i am trying to focus on my personal growth now but its difficult to move on without any closure and lot of unanswered questions

Thank you once again
Take care