Hi Mrparsnip and welcome back
It's
really common to wonder "what it means" if a personality disorder is in the mix. You're not alone in having this experience; I've had it, too, and so have many other members.
We can find ourselves spending a lot of time and mental energy cranking on "what if it's this, what if it's that, what's the deeper meaning, what's the hidden communication". Maybe there's some validity there -- maybe in our interactions with our pwBPD, there was a lot that wasn't straighforward. So there can be a real, valid history informing how we respond.
That's not the whole story, though. Yes, putting the spotlight on "what do they mean" is part of what's going on...
the other big part is -- what's going on with us.
It is also really common in BPD relationships that we don't focus on ourselves and our own challenges and issues. It can feel so good to focus on them that we don't look at ourselves -- and we are the only people we have any control over.
So I'll comment briefly on her, and then we can turn our focus onto ourselves
We aren't in anyone else's head -- we don't know what she "meant" by it. It could "mean" lots of different things. One thing that gets taught in DBT classes and in support classes (like Family Connections) is the idea of
"benign interpretation". While generally it's about not assuming the worst about a perceived negative interaction, it can also help us not assume positive yet incorrect things, too. It's about finding a balanced way of interpreting behaviors and actions. For some members here, especially those detaching from a relationship, assuming the negative can be easy ("she's trying to manipulate me letting her use and abuse me again"). In your case, it may be easy to assume the positive ("she posted about her birthday to get me to say something").
I wonder if a "benign interpretation" of the situation could be:
she isn't thinking ill of you (she didn't immediately send a negative message), she isn't desperate to get back together today (she didn't explicitly say that), she may not know exactly how she feels, and time will give you more information to help you make a
wisemind decision.
...
In terms of you -- let's check in with how you're feeling.
What do you notice about your emotions right now? What about how your body is feeling?
Do you find yourself wanting do things to change those feelings? If you're sitting with and tolerating your feelings, what is that like for you?
...
I really get it about these situations... getting in touch with your own feelings about it can really help
