My wife found out I think she has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and I started marriage counseling after she hit me. This was the very end of a long and frightening fight where she was yelling at me and throwing things. After a couple of days, she and I were able to discuss what happened. She felt horrible, and we decided to start marriage counseling. We have had multiple fights and counseling sessions with our marriage counselor (both together and solo sessions) since then. A recent fight ended with her throwing her phone at me and then kicking me out of the house at 3am. I had a solo session with our counselor and she said based on her appointments with my wife and with me she believes my wife has BPD. She recommended a book called "stop walking on eggshells" and told me not to show my wife or tell her about it. She had a solo session with my wife the following day where she was planning on discussing her side of the story. My wife and I share most of our accounts, including bank, and we have a very small home where it would be hard to hide a physical book. I had the clever idea of buying the audiobook so that my wife would not see, and she wouldn't wonder what I was listening to because I frequently listen to audiobooks while I work. Unfortunately, audiobooks apparently appear on my wife's kindle (which I didn't realize), even though our amazon accounts are separate.  She figured out what our counselor thinks, and now she wants to see a different therapist for her solo sessions. She told me that I am overexaggerating stories and that in reality it has been me that is abusive. She kept accusing me of calling her abusive and that I was diagnosing her with BPD when I never said anything like that. She merely found the book I was listening to and assumed it was about her. I kept telling her that I was not diagnosing her and that I was not calling her an abuser while trying to show her that her feelings were valid, but I do not know if I did a good job. I also started questioning whether I had hoodwinked our therapist and instead it was me that was the issue. I just recently finished the book and I find it very difficult to do what it says. I am trying my best and any advice would be amazing. I was wondering if anyone else had a large range of feelings after listening to the book and relating to so many of the stories and symptoms listed. I am having trouble understanding my feelings at the moment.

Thank you,

[zeejay37]

My wife and I started marriage counseling after she hit me. This was the very end of a long and frightening fight where she was yelling at me and throwing things. After a couple of days, she and I were able to discuss what happened. She felt horrible, and we decided to start marriage counseling. We have had multiple fights and counseling sessions with our marriage counselor (both together and solo sessions) since then. A recent fight ended with her throwing her phone at me and then kicking me out of the house at 3am. I had a solo session with our counselor and she said based on her appointments with my wife and with me she believes my wife has BPD. She recommended a book called "stop walking on eggshells" and told me not to show my wife or tell her about it. She had a solo session with my wife the following day where she was planning on discussing her side of the story. My wife and I share most of our accounts, including bank, and we have a very small home where it would be hard to hide a physical book. I had the clever idea of buying the audiobook so that my wife would not see, and she wouldn't wonder what I was listening to because I frequently listen to audiobooks while I work. Unfortunately, audiobooks apparently appear on my wife's kindle (which I didn't realize), even though our amazon accounts are separate.  She figured out what our counselor thinks, and now she wants to see a different therapist for her solo sessions. She told me that I am overexaggerating stories and that in reality it has been me that is abusive. She kept accusing me of calling her abusive and that I was diagnosing her with BPD when I never said anything like that. She merely found the book I was listening to and assumed it was about her. I kept telling her that I was not diagnosing her and that I was not calling her an abuser while trying to show her that her feelings were valid, but I do not know if I did a good job. I also started questioning whether I had hoodwinked our therapist and instead it was me that was the issue. I just recently finished the book and I find it very difficult to do what it says. I am trying my best and any advice would be amazing. I was wondering if anyone else had a large range of feelings after listening to the book and relating to so many of the stories and symptoms listed. I am having trouble understanding my feelings at the moment.

Thank you,

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[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome Another book I'd recommend is Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist which I think is more practical than Eggshells. Lots of other great info here on the site -- see the Tips link at the top of the page.

How long have you been together? Do you have children?

[MindfulBreath]

I would second Stop Caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist. Have listened to it twice. Solid gold suggestions. What's great about it, is that it focuses on us and less about trying to further understand them. Because it doesn't matter how much we understand them - it's only our own behaviors/reactions that we can control.

[Lifehasitsups]

I found both books really hard to read as they seem very spot on to my circumstances and interactions. Overall it was good to come to terms with. My wife randomly went through my backpack and found my copy of the second book recommended above. Honestly, her finding it lead to her toning down her episodes for a couple weeks. I hope you get that reprieve.
Hold true to your gut. I think it’s common to start to think you are more responsible for issues and diagnoses…and doubt your sanity. Wishing you the best!

[campbembpd]

I feel for you, it hasn't happened to me but I share that fear as well. I have books and audiobooks that if my uBPDw found... I shudder to think what would happen. I also recommend the Stop Caretaking the Borderline book - very good. I also just finished Stop Walking on Eggshells for Partners. It's a newer version of the original and I found it insightful and provided some good info I thought.

My wife and I have a joint account but now we also have a personal account. I've purchased my audiobooks through a second amazon account I created and only put those on my work phone so no chance of cross over. Same with the physical books - I order on my second amazon account and have them delivered to an Amazon locker so I don't have to worry about her opening a package. I have some hiding places in the house, amongst my work things. It's not 100%, she could potentially find them but it's been over a year and nothing yet.

Sorry that's happened. As that book, others here and everyone pretty much says - you don't tell your partner you think they have BPD. Since that happened although unintentionally, sounds like she DARVO'd you (it's referenced in many BPD books and this site but essentially it's the BPD saying I know you are but what am I).

I can say I've been reading these books and researching for a year my brother and it's hard. There are a lot of feeling to process. I feel like I'm moving forward at a snails pace in terms of progress but I am making progress. I too haven't been able to do all the things it says in the books but I'm starting to. The Stop Caretaking book gives some really concrete advice.

I will say I started to set some boundaries about a year ago and felt it was a complete disaster. I really didn't have a good plan in place and wasn't ready for how bad it was predictably going to get. My wife got 10x worse when I tried to maintain boundaries and I just couldn't handle it. There have been some small improvements since then but I have a long way to go. I've realized (as others here have as well) is I CANNOT do this on my own. I just can't. Too much anxiety and stress. I am getting back into therapy, this time with someone that knows a lot about BPD. I also spoke with my doc about starting some anti anxiety meds. I just started them so I haven't noticed a difference yet. I'm hoping they will take the edge off and allow me to hold my boundaries, leave when I need to and just be consistent all the time. But use this board and find a good therapist would be my recommendation. Keep reading and try to be good to yourself.