Break up or stay together? Please help?

[CarolAnne82]

I have a significant other with BPD and need help knowing how to balance being a supportive partner with taking care of myself and setting boundaries. I am a naturally caring person and want to be the best partner I can be to her. We have been together about two years and I am feeling drained and exhausted. I don't know if this can be my whole life. She is so caring one minute then the next completely unloads all her upset at me. If I try and set a boundary, especially with my time, she comes for my family, friends, responsibilities, and I feel like anything I tell her can be used as a weapon against me later.

 I know I am not doing wrong by asking for basic needs, but I often find myself forgoing them because I am afraid of her blowing up. She often needs me to help her regulate and get grounded after getting upset and I am happy to help but this means I have to support myself completely on my own after being hurt and help regulate her.

Previously I had broken up with her because she is aggressive, threatening, and will not respect my boundaries. We recently had a disagreement about our relationship timeline (she wants to get married ASAP and I do not). She is unable to accept my answer and frequently blows up at me, screaming, throwing things at and around me, and then breaking down and flipping to tears suddenly, saying if I leave she will kill herself. I am constantly worried about her wellbeing but know it is time to end the relationship because she is unable to respect me wanting to wait to be married. I am heartbroken as I love her dearly but I am unable to continue getting blown up at and I feel like I am not able to disagree on anything without her losing it on me. This has been over a year of this struggle- her taking out any of her upset at me and me trying to stay calm and help her regulate. I just can't do it anymore.


I want to do my best for my partner and know I can't do that without caring for myself, but I feel unable to care for myself because it regularly starts a conflict.

I broke up with her a month ago but we talked and got back together but I still feel anxious about the relationship. She says she is working on herself and going to therapy and I can see progress, but I find myself anxious that she will snap again and she can sense that anxiety which makes her upset.None of my friends like her as they can see the affect this relationship and it feels like I am split between two worlds.

I feel trapped and not strong enough to know what is best for myself.  Am I insensitive or not strong enough? I don’t know if I should continue this relationship or not and any guidance is appreciated.

Thank you for any comments or help

[kells76]

Hi CarolAnne82 and welcome back 

Breakup/makeup cycles can be common here; you're not alone. And everything you've described about your relationship -- the neediness, aggression, anger-to-tears, suicide threats, demands for you to be there, etc -- will ring true to members, too. I also understand that there are likely many positives about your SO and your relationship (you mention that your SO can be a caring person), and those make it challenging to decide on a path forward; it's not all bad all the time.

It certainly sounds untenable to keep giving so much emotionally and not to receive support in turn. While BPD relationships will likely always be unevenly balanced (as "emotional special needs" relationships, partners will probably not achieve close to a 50/50 split of support/care), a 0/100 split isn't something anyone can sustain.

I want to do my best for my partner and know I can't do that without caring for myself, but I feel unable to care for myself because it regularly starts a conflict.

Can you describe that some more? For example, does this come up in conversation? If so, how does that typically go? I.e., writing it out like a script:

You: I think I'm going to ________ (take a long bath, go for a walk, start therapy, call my friend) on Friday.
Her: You never think about what I need -- it's always about you. Why can't you just not be selfish for once?
You: But I always support you. Remember last night when you were crying for 5 hours? I was there the whole time!
Her: But you didn't really mean it, I could tell. I need you on Fridays and you're just going to abandon me?
You: OK fine, I can be with you, it's fine.

Understanding this conflict can help us work with you to find a path forward. It might not be easy or comfortable, but I'm confident there are different ways to approach it.

...

Previously I had broken up with her because she is aggressive, threatening, and will not respect my boundaries. We recently had a disagreement about our relationship timeline (she wants to get married ASAP and I do not). She is unable to accept my answer

...

I broke up with her a month ago but we talked and got back together but I still feel anxious about the relationship.

How did that conversation go? Did you two address behaviors, or relationship timeline?

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'd advise to trust your gut.  This advice has nothing to do with BPD.  I'm a believer in trusting my gut, because my head can come up with myriad pros and cons, and if I think long enough, I can convince myself of practically anything.  My heart isn't very reliable either--like you, I'm a caring person, and my inclination is to help, to try to make things better.  I'm a hard worker, a problem solver, a fixer, and so I'm usually not daunted by complex tasks or situations.  I tend to go all in, and put my heart into most things I do.  Yet there can be heartbreak if the help isn't wanted, appreciated or reciprocated.  So the heart can backfire.  My gut, however, seems to be reliable.  It isn't easily distracted by noise.  It's attuned to the core of things.  I rely on it for all sorts of situations, including relationships, jobs and even hobbies.  You might be familiar with that gut feeling, when the situation feels right, even if it's risky, uncertain or complicated, or it requires a lot of dedication.  You are content, you feel at ease, you feel at home, you're enjoying yourself, even if things don't go your way from time to time, and even if you don't know what's going to happen.  And you probably know that other gut feeling, of dread, fear, exhaustion, that something just doesn't sit right with you.  Maybe you feel like you're constantly on edge, or fighting battles, and you are a bit shell-shocked.  What is your gut telling you?

I remember when I tried to select a college, and I subjected myself to a little test.  I flipped a coin, which would help me decide between two schools.  When heads came up, meaning college X, I felt excited, not disappointed.  The coin flip validated my gut feeling.  When heads came up, I felt like it was fate.  The same sort of thing happened when I visited the campus of college X--I felt excited, like I wanted to belong there, as if it were my place.  And that's an example of the gut feeling.  It has more to do with your own needs and your own contentment, rather than the facts of the situation or what anyone else might think.  It should feel right to YOU, and your gut will help tell you if it is.