seriously...more BPD

[BPDstinks]

Can anyone advise....do they have families/friends with multiple family members (albeit different families) with BPD!  (my granddaughter's mother was diagnosed with BPD) HER mother is begging ME for advice....I can barely handle my own situation!  Granddaughter's mom is just breaking all of our hearts, she has moved in with a boyfriend, moved out to a new apartment, moved back IN with the boyfriend, he kicked HER out, she is now living with her mother (aside from all of that...I am worried for the 3 kids...this is taking a toll on them, even though they are young); now, granddaughter's mom is pregnant WITH (boyfriend!) am I wrong to say....I just want to manage my OWN mental health...what a mess!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi BPDstinks;

Yes, it can definitely happen that there can be multiple pwBPD in a family structure. In my case, my former T suspected that my mom had traits in the past. My high school best friend's mom very obviously had some kind of PD, likely BPD though maybe HPD, and was low functioning. My H's mom used to have many traits, and two of his sisters also have traits, one more strongly than the other. Oh, and the reason I'm here is that my H's kids' mom has many strong BPD traits, and is married to a guy with many NPD traits.

For me, I think that my FOO (family of origin) "primed" me to experience mildly BPD-type dynamics as "normal". So, when I met my H, because he'd also been raised in a FOO permeated with BPD dynamics, he felt "familiar" to me -- the vibes were like, yeah, this is what family feels like.

Marriage and partnership are one way that a family structure can seem to have many pwBPD -- if my FOO has someone with BPD, then I may have a higher chance of partnering with someone who also has BPD in the family. So it can seem to "double".

...

Am I tracking with you that your GD's mom (who is not your daughter) has a mom who is reaching out to you? And you don't suspect she has BPD, it's just that she's asking for help with GD's mom, who might have BPD?

What kind of advice is she asking for?

How do you usually respond when she asks?

This is a great opportunity to practice your boundaries and communication skills that you've learned here 

If I'm understanding your situation, it's something like: it's stressful to you, when your plate is full, that someone well-meaning is leaning on you for help. You just don't have the bandwidth! Maybe you worry that it would be an unpleasant truth to her if you didn't help?

The S.E.T. communication tool is perfect for lovingly sharing an unpleasant truth that you feel you must say.

Support: I would love to help you in this difficult time; I really understand what it's like.

Empathy: You must be heartbroken to be going through this.

Truth: Even though I can't help with personal advice due to my own limitations, I want to share ____________________ resource with you, so you have it to lean on.

What do you think? Up for practicing SET in real life?

(the B.I.F.F. technique for communications could also help)

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I love that advice!  I think her mom & I are in a bad club we cannot get out of!  It IS an odd situation...my son fathered a child, that is the grandchild I assist with, visit, etc., same mother has 2 more children (they are NOT related to me, however, I am viewed as "grandmother" to them....I adore them, so, all the better) (unsure if I can use names) we will just say S (other grandma) has always come to me....I think because I KNOW my daughter has BPD; granddaughter's mother SAYS she has BPD, I am unsure if there is any proof

I set poor boundaries with these people & I know this (sometimes I wonder...how the heck did this all transpire?) but I feel bad....S is younger than me, has a teenage son, etc. & does much more than I do with the kids (granted, I am only related to one) so....I offer advice when I can (based on my limited understanding) and take the kids at least 2x a week; her daughter is an awful human....I don't know if it is BPD but she has some mental issue

[Notwendy]

I think there can be multiple family members with disorders but possibly the common situation for all connected family members is poor boundaries and disordered family dynamics. Some may have a disorder, others may lean towards co-dependency and enabling.

Boundaries first: what issue is yours, what isn't yours. "Not my circus, not my monkeys".

If grandma asks you for advice, this isn't your circus. In addition, you aren't her therapist. Best advice- IMHO, say "this is a difficult situation. I have found that having my own therapist has helped me the most and so, I also would advise you to consult someone who is an expert in these issues". And then, don't offer advice.

Yes, you are a friend, and you can listen as a friend, but if you let her unload on you- that is too much. You are not her emotional caretaker. Repeating "that's a good question for the therapist" and not adding advice is a better way to help. It's also the right way. You aren't the best one to advise.

You love the child, so be a grandma to her. Take her out for ice cream, or to the park. Just love her and be a grandma.

[BPDstinks]

not Wendy! I am going to try really hard!  I very much appreciate your advice!  I DO get swept up in the drama of it...however, have had this conversation with myself & others....at the end of the day, it IS her daughter...thank you!

[Pook075]

There was a history of mental illness in my ex-wife's family where three generations had a diagnosis of chronic depression or bi-polar.  My daughter was diagnosed bi-polar/BPD and we later found out her mom (my ex) was also BPD.  Looking back, my ex's brothers and her mom could also meet the criteria for BPD.  Even my ex's grandfather (diagnosed depression in the 70's) could have had it.

On my side of the family tree, my mom had something that surely resembled BPD.  I was adopted at birth so it's not the same genes, but it does make me wonder how common mood disorders actually are.  Statistics show 1-2% but it's also often misdiagnosed as something else.