Hello and a warm
-- and I agree with you, everyone's contributions over the years has made this place an incredible resource.
Confusion is pretty typical when there's BPD in a relationship, so I'm glad we've been able to help you with your closure/understanding journey.
But what really gets me: she and I still have a shared calendar, and lately it’s updated with things she’s doing with her new bf. I don’t think that can happen by accident??? I tried; you have to purposely select a calendar. And it’s not 1-2 things in 1 days, it’s 5-10 things over multiple weeks.
Better understanding things brings closure, but I don’t understand this. Any clue as to the intention here???
Something I keep coming back to (that even after having been a member here for years, I still struggle to really wrap my head around) is that Borderline Personality Disorder is a
mental illness. The
NEABPD expresses it well
in their overview here:
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a serious mental illness that centers on the inability to manage emotions effectively. The disorder occurs in the context of relationships: sometimes all relationships are affected, sometimes only one. It usually begins during adolescence or early adulthood.
While some persons with BPD are high functioning in certain settings, their private lives may be in turmoil. Most people who have BPD suffer from problems regulating their emotions and thoughts, impulsive and sometimes reckless behavior, and unstable relationships
Other disorders, such as depression, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse and other personality disorders can often exist along with BPD
The diagnosis of BPD is frequently missed and a misdiagnosis of BPD has been shown to delay and/or prevent recovery. Bipolar disorder is one example of a misdiagnosis as it also includes mood instability. There are important differences between these conditions but both involve unstable moods. For the person with bipolar disorder, the mood changes exist for weeks or even months. The mood changes in BPD are much shorter and can even occur within the day.
Officially recognized in 1980 by the psychiatric community, BPD is more than two decades behind in research, treatment options, and family psycho-education compared to other major psychiatric disorders. BPD has historically met with widespread misunderstanding and blatant stigma. However, evidenced-based treatments have emerged over the past two decades bringing hope to those diagnosed with the disorder and their loved ones.
By definition, persons struggling with mental illness will likely behave irrationally, or in ways far outside the "bell curve norm".
Persons with BPD will struggle specifically with healthy ways of managing their overwhelming inner emotions, which can also change drastically moment to moment.
It is possible that for some reason that makes sense to her in the moment, but that we don't "get", posting her agenda with her new BF on a calendar that you have access to is "doing something" for her. It doesn't make sense
to us, because she is coping with the impactful mental illness of BPD. It may be helping her (unhealthily) regulate her frightening emotions. If BPD is in play, then she likely has a weak to absent sense of self (sense of self being akin to "this is me, and I know that I'm an individual and know myself, and I'm not anyone else, and my feelings come from me"). Doing external things may help her feel "real" about this relationship; if she doesn't feel like "a self", then who is in this relationship with the new BF... so posting about it on the calendar may tangible-ize it to her, as she may lack inner resources to trust that the relationship is a thing otherwise.
It is very likely that it has little to do with you, and much more to do with her own focus on herself and her emotions. And, it's important to remember that we can't get inside someone else's head to know exact thoughts, feelings, and motivations.
...
What's interesting about your question is that ultimately the answer isn't about her, it's about you.
So much of BPD relationships are focused on the pwBPD, and that creates a dynamic where non-BPD partners' senses of their own needs, wants, motivations, and feelings, can atrophy, which contributes to the unhealthiness of the relationship.
Getting back to what you need, what you want, what you feel, and what's motivating you, will be key for getting the answers and closure you seek. It sounds cliche, but the answers and the closure are going to be something you give yourself... not anything that you'll get from her.
So, that being said:
Do you want to get back together with her?
(This is the "Bettering/improving a relationship or reversing a breakup" board, so feedback here will focus on that. If you're sure you're done, you could check out our
"Detaching from a relationship" board, and if you think it's a better fit, I can move this thread there for you)
Understanding that will help you as you decide
what you're OK with allowing into your life....
We actually went through something similar recently. My husband's kids' mom has many BPD type traits. Recently, a family member of mine gave my H's oldest a hand me down computer. The kids tried to set it up at Mom's house and used her Apple ID to watch some movies, but then had issues. They needed more help troubleshooting, so brought the computer to our house. I started checking some stuff but quickly found out that everything from Mom's phone had synched with the computer: phone location, photos, movies, notes, calendar, to do list... everything.
I got to decide if I wanted to see that stuff. She can't "make" me view it... I'm in charge of what I let into my life. So, we told the kids what had happened, that we didn't want or need to have that access to Mom's info, and that they needed to take the computer back to Mom's (plus a few troubleshooting tips).
...
As you think through what you want (getting back together, remaining apart), know that you're in charge of how much of the calendar you see. So in a way, it's really less about what she's doing, and more about: do you want to see that stuff? You might, and you might not -- no right or wrong answer here -- but
you get to choose.
Anyway, really glad you're here and sharing, and we're looking forward to learning more of your story, and working with you as you chart a path forward.
-kells76
