Immediate Advice needed

[In4thewin]

Hi All. I'm looking for some specific advice regarding boundaries and expectations during a life transition. Cliffs Notes version: My daughter is 18 and a high school graduate. Due to ongoing issues in the home with abuse and violence, she is now transitioning into an apartment of her own. She currently isn't employed and doesn't have a driver's license. The couple jobs she's had in the past haven't lasted very long. I'm obligated on the lease along with her but I had her put electric and internet in name. She was very recently approved for Medicaid which opened up access to an IOP that she really needs. My desire is that she'll do the IOP and really invest herself in it, which is more important to me than her immediately finding a new job and start paying some of her own bills. What should I do? I'm not sure if I should make attending the program "mandatory" in exchange for something, or if that would be pointless. I also don't know how much time I should give her to find a job and start paying for internet and electricity and/or a portion of the monthly ren, food....whatever. I'm just very confused because if things were "normal" I'd be paying for college, but they aren't normal and given the overall ongoing circumstances I'm concerned that any financial help I provide her now will just be enabling and could end up resulting in me bankrolling her well into the future as she is neither working toward an educational goal or a therapeutic one. Does this make sense? I really just need some advice as to how this transition should be handled. I have been divorced from her father since she was a toddler and he has serious mental health issues of his own. He is not there for her in any practical way and they barely even talk or see each other although he lives in the same town. I'm truly the only parent she can rely upon, but have also been the target of all her angst.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Does this make sense? I really just need some advice as to how this transition should be handled.

There's no "perfect" answers to this situation and a lot of it will be give and take for the foreseeable future.  However, it does not make sense to "demand" therapy because that alone won't fix this- your daughter's willingness to see her internal problems and actively seek help is where the magic happens.

In other words, your daughter has to want this more than you want this.  And there's nothing in the world that can force her to make that decision.  It has to come from her.

For the apartment lease, job prospecting, and other finances, that's a personal decision of when to pull back or cut her off.  Sooner is definitely better, but there will be many bumps in the road and endless reasons why helping another month is the sensible thing to do.  You have to feel that out as you go.

My general rule of thumb was that if my kid asked for something she genuinely needed and didn't have any other way to pay, I'd help if she showed the proper level of appreciation.  If she asked in an abusive way and tried to blame me, then there was zero chance I was helping.  I would always talk out other options with her though- could it wait a few months until she had a steady paycheck?  Has she thought about picking up some side work?  Stuff like that.

I

[Resiliant]

You ARE in4theWin, congratulations 

I do 100% agree with Pook, those are some great thoughts. 

All of the children and adult children this board is about are different and so each situation is different however there are shared patterns that we recognize which is why we are here and this is so helpful.

I am so happy for you that you have made this choice with your daughter.  No matter how low our loved ones sink into their illness, if we don't always believe in them and let them know that we have faith in them and their future then they will never believe in themselves.

On one hand my first reaction was to give her a timeline to count on, since direction and stability is important however, on the flip side thinking about the future and having that pressure of a timeline could be very stressful and anxiety causing.  Maybe you can have something where it is clear that the goal is for her to eventually take over all of the bills on her own, and how proud she might feel about herself when she reaches that point? 

You can do this and she can do this.  It won't be easy but it will be worth it.   Good for you!

R

[In4thewin]

Thanks Pook. In the past several years I've completely lost faith in my own decision making and parenting so I'm always second guessing my decisions and course of action in dealing with her problems. The biggest issue that I need to overcome is stepping out of the FOG which is intensified because I don't have anyone to share the weight of this with. The relationship that my ex has with our daughter is extremely toxic by any standard---educated about BPD or not--and the toxicity existed long before she exhibited signs of BPD. I've certainly made mistakes with her over the years but he has intentionally fueled the flames of normal tween/teen discontent and left me "holding the bag" with a big mess because he's still licking his wounds from when I divorced him 14 years ago and was awarded custody and able to move with our daughter. To be specific, he has refused to even try to engage as a stable co-parent in effort to punish me for leaving him, and every step of the way he would work against anything I was trying to do. If I said it was black and it was CLEARLY black by any reasonable standard---- he would tell her it was white. He's so sick that he doesn't even deny this. Even when things clearly turned abusive toward me he completely wiped his hands clean of any parental responsibility..... intentionally not letting her come over to his house, refusing to help her learn to drive (saying it was my "responsibility"), and not even showing up for her at the ER when she called for him. The list goes on and this behavior still continues. He's made it clear to both of us that it was by my choosing that it's this way and his obligations to our daughter (which in his mind was only the child support checks) are now over. This is also a stance that his small extended family take, and part of the "agenda" is to force me into a position where I'm no longer financially comfortable.... because they aren't. Really whacked out people.

The reality is that my daughter truly has no one to rely upon but me----and now herself. I'm worn out and beat down. Like most if not all young people, regardless of how terrible a person and Dad her father is, she has craved his love and validation and still does..... which she'll never get. The crazy part is that she gives him a pass in all ways and I'm the target of her anger, and in her mind the only parent who is responsible for her in any way. What he does for her (which is next to nothing) is optional, but I'm "obligated" in her mind. If he simply takes her out to dinner for an hour every couple months she's grateful! Anyway, it's the history here that keeps me in the FOG and has lead me to tolerate the intolerable, which I know has only worsened matters. I know the mistakes I've made and that I'm a part to this recipe, but I love my daughter too much to keep doing what I've been doing. I'm just trying to figure out where and when I should draw lines from here on out---aside from not tolerating threats, verbal abuse, and out of control interactions that have forced me in the past to comply with things that I know aren't good for either of us.

Thanks for listening.

[In4thewin]

Thank you also Resilient!

[CC43]

Hi there,

BPD is complex. I think it can be a severe emotional handicap, where an 18-year-old has an adult’s body, pocketbook and rights, and yet is functioning emotionally like a tween or young teen. That emotional handicap is real and can make college, holding a job or handling mature relationships very challenging indeed.  Her ability to tolerate distress and disappointments is challenged. So you might have to adjust your expectations. If you expect her to live independently right away or attend college full time, you might be setting her up to fail, which could be a blow to her self esteem, which is already compromised.

However, I bet you have a sense whether she is in on track or not. Maybe her priority in the short term is therapy. If she got therapy, would you consider her to be on track?  If that sounds about right, then I think you need to ask yourself, are you enabling her to be dysfunctional?  I mean, if you set her up in an apartment and give her unlimited spending money, and yet she isn’t working, studying or getting therapy, and she’s lashing out at you, blaming you for ruining her life, then you are probably enabling dysfunction, prolonging her misery, and making you miserable right along with her. I’d advise not to do that. The key is to not enable dysfunction, but to help her get the help she needs so that she stays on track. How does that sound?

The rub is that she might not agree with you. When you withdraw support when she’s being abusive and she’s not on track, she might really suffer. But she might have to hit bottom before she’s convinced she needs to change and get some help. Only she can decide that, and the sooner, the better.