I guess I’m supposed to share my story here. I’m 40(f) my husband is 39(m). It’s been a long road for us together almost 15 years, married for 13, 2 kids together one has significant special needs. My second marriage his first, I brought to children into the relationship. So we have 4 total, but the older 2 are in college and live with their dad.
My husband is a good person. He loves us very much and he’s got a big heart. He’s also really broken, and he tries to break everything and everyone around him anytime he gets disregulated emotionally. It’s gotten pretty bad, some pushing, not in awhile though. Mostly emotional and verbal abuse. I’ve been accused of deception and infidelity at least 100 times. He will be the first to tell you his suspicions have never been correct. Being good and loyal to him is part of my identity, it’s something I value about myself and not something I’d be willing to compromise. I have never committed even the most tiny infraction of infidelity. He has though. So there’s projection Im sure. I’m not perfect though either. I allowed him to treat me badly and I didn’t even try to protect myself. I hated myself so much that I just took it on the chin. But then I starting therapy and after several years I grew some self value and learned how to self love. So now I’ve swung the other way. I have built up and walk around myself that has led to us being disconnected, and him feeling rejected. I am trying to release the resentment and learn to let him back in. There’s a lot more to our history of toxicity and abuse but more on that another time….
A few weeks ago he scared me. His abuse had escalated. He called me names he’s never called me before. He tried to rip my ring off really hard and hurt my finger. He keeps a gun next to his bed and I got scared. He has never pointed it at me or said he’d shoot me or anything but when he gets really mad I don’t know what he’ll do. He’s prob use it to scare me at least. So I asked him to spend a few days apart after that night. He lost it. I convinced him to enter a partial hospitalization program and he went and has been there for 3 weeks. BPD was brought up as a possibility. As soon as we started looking I to it, it was an epiphany for us both. So we can name it now, but that means accepting some stuff and it’s been hard. I know realize I can’t keep putting so much energy into how he feels. I have to say no if I don’t want intimacy or to do a specific act. I can’t do things because I fear his reaction. This means more honesty and setting boundaries and he’s not feeling it to put it lightly. The truth is all my in love and sexy feelings are hiding right now and his suffocating attempts to feel those things from me are making me feel so pressured and that’s making it so much worse. I know it’s hard but I also know this is the only path to a healthy relationship.
He’s been pretty understanding and has been doing really well 90% of the time. I’m really so proud of him.
Tonight he smoked a b bunch of weed, came home super high and misinterpreted a bunch of stuff (he says I’m gaslighting him but saying this but he was so way off- he was splitting for sure, saying the reason I don’t feel comfortable is because I’m not in love with him and I’m just hanging on to keep him down)and got mad and left. He found a necklace with a heart in a little jewelry bag with kegal balls and thought it was from a guy. The necklace was from my daughter and at some point I guess I tossed it in that little bag so I don’t lose it or something. I don’t remember exactly because it was A very mundane action for me. That is what really set him off. I tried to reassure him and started getting cold and mean. Then he texted and called to tell me he can’t do it anymore. He says I’m the one with the problem (even though for weeks he’s been saying that I have never dine anything wrong and am a saint for staying with him, all these things, how sorry he is how he will never be mean to me again etc..it seems sincere but now I guess maybe it is manipulative)and when I figure it out maybe we can try again but that he will probably move on because he’s gonna get real fit and I “won’t be
PLEASE READ”. I asked him to stop talking to me like that and he just started turning it around on me. Long story short, he wasn’t going to come home but now he’s back pedaling and saying he shouldn’t have said all that. I’ve told him we need to pause the romantic relationship and focus on getting along, healing individually and being a family. I’m going to sleep separately for awhile. If he can’t stay faithful as he’s has said he doesn’t think he can (and later says he can) then that will be it. But I would rather is part friends and not have to look at that as cheating. I told him I won’t if he does, but it won’t be because I forgive the infidelity, it will be because if he does that it will be the end of the marriage so it won’t be cheating and I won’t hold it against him. Now he’s begging bff me to come back to our marital bed but I have to stay firm this time. We can’t try to be romantic while we’re doing this work on ourselves we’re literally just hurting each other by accident over and over.
Has anyone ever made it through this?
Im also really struggling with aversions. I mentioned how I used to easily let him in and hurt me, and now, it’s to the point where I don’t want anything romantic. I don’t want sex, I don’t want eye contact, I don’t want words of affirmation, and I really don’t want to feel pleasure from him or anyone. I don’t not want it all from him, I don’t want it at all. I feel like I never want to experience any of that with any man ever again. I know it’s not normal to be averse to those things like this. I didn’t used to be before a few months ago. I can’t enjoy it at all. It feels like a violation. I got so hung up on soothing his emotions all these years that I turned mine off completely. I want to try to fix it because I think if he can get well and consistently not hurt me then I will feel safe again eventually. I think we both fear that will never happen but I’m willing to wait a long time.
That’s us in a nutshell, sorry if it was a lot and complication but something tells me yall are used to that. Looking forward to participating and hearing from others who understand. I’m not easily offended so please feel free to tell me hard truths. I need forward progress and growth and I don’t expect it to be fun. Ty for reading all of this if you’ve made it this far.
