So grateful to finally find some answers and support

[Flack100]

Hello everyone

It's so good to be joining this community of support.  I've done years and years of all kinds of personal work, in groups and with individuals.  But, i am just finally discovering and accepting that my child struggles with BPD.  She is now 37 years old, and it's been a constant exhausting, scarey and isolating roller coaster with her.  I spent much of her life in a shame guilt cycle that I know now had me responding in ways that made things worse.  Those habits are still there. 

I believe strongly in the power of groups and look forward to all of your support.  I am also a grateful 12 step member of Alanon and CODA...but neither explained my darling girls behaviour.  Finally some answers. 

She's a mother of 3, soon to be 4. I so worry about my littles experience in the chaos she creates in her home and relationship.  It's difficult to watch and stay out of.  For many years i was acting in deeply codependent ways.  I've been doing very focused work in CODA for the past 2.5 years and that's helped me regain peace and focus on my own life, but interactions with her are incredibly hard, especially in this moment, and i find myself just wanting to avoid her altogether. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

  Hi Flack100,

You know, I think my very first post years ago had almost the same subject line.

Congratulations on all of the hard work that you have been doing on yourself!

My adult child is a man, similar in age to your daughter.  Thankfully there are no grandchildren involved.  There are many grandparents here on this site that are struggling with the same thing as you - if it weren't for the grandchildren they might distance themselves further.  That in itself brings the struggles and worries to a whole other level.

I do have grandchildren, just not in a situation like this but like I said there are others here for sure.  I can only imagine what it would be like.

I too have responded in poor ways in the past.  I read something that someone wrote here a few years ago and it may have become a mantra for more than just me.  It is a quote by a popular author named Maya Angelou.  She wrote "“I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.”

Welcome to the group, may you benefit from this like I have.

R

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've written plenty of key words that will resonate with parents on this site, including descriptors of life with BPD (roller coaster, chaos, codependency), and how that makes you feel (guilt, wanting to avoid her, exhaustion, isolation, fear).  Yet I detect some optimism in your post, because you mention how you've learned to cope (focused work in CODA, Alanon).  You mention strength, too, plus the power of groups, and the ability to learn and change for the better, which is hopeful.  Peace is a laudable, yet perhaps elusive, goal.

It's really hard when there are innocent grandkids involved, and I think that's why you have it especially rough.

I think if you take some time to read through the posts on this site, you will quickly discover that you are not alone.  You might pick up some helpful tips, too, because relating to someone with BPD is especially challenging, as "conventional" social norms just don't seem to work, and they may even make things worse.

After living with a loved one with BPD, some of my takeaways are the following:

*Even if she blames you for all her woes and says she hates you, you are not at fault, and she doesn't really mean the insults; that's just the illness talking.

*When she's emotionally dysregulated (i.e. having a meltdown), she's like a Miranda warning:  Everything you say can and will be used against you.  Logic does not work (such as JADE--Justifying, Arguing, Defending and Explaining), because the only part of her brain that is working at that moment is the emotional one.  So I find that the best thing to do is either to gray rock, which means be as still and boring as a gray rock, or give her an adult time out, which means give her time and space to cool off.  Only when she's stabilized can she begin to process logic.  Another way I look at things is, she can choose to go on her roller coaster ride, but I don't have to get on the roller coaster alongside her. 

*If she is untreated, you probably have to lower your expectations.  Nice family holiday?  It's just not possible with a big group or an extended period; maybe try for smaller gatherings of limited duration, with an easy "escape route" available to her.  Ability to find and keep employment?  Probably very difficult if she's not treated.  Caring for kids full-time?  Likely not possible without a lot of support.  General "executive function" (planning, keeping commitments and following through) is probably very challenging for her, because her volatile emotions derail her at any stumble or disappointment. 

*I understood the meltdowns better when I realized that the loved one with BPD in my life was having a trauma-like response to ordinary stressors.  When untreated, she basically felt traumatized by practically everyone and everything in her life, and her reactions were either fight or flight, super-sized to match her emotions.  Fight is easy to identify.  Flight looks like avoidance, procrastination and lots of storming out, cutting people off (e.g. not returning texts or phone calls), standing people up, quitting commitments and relationships, and holing up in a bedroom.

*She is working so hard on regulating herself that she has no energy or ability to consider other people's needs.  She will appear to be very entitled and selfish that way, but I think she just isn't capable of worrying about how other people might feel, because her own feelings are unmanageable.

*The victim attitude is pervasive, and it's hard to deal with that directly.  Perhaps the best thing is not to enable her too much, and let her discover that when she's on her own, her problems remain, and she honestly can't keep blaming you for all that's wrong in her life.  However when there are innocent children involved, they tend to suffer along with her.  So I guess the victim attitude doesn't really go away.

*If she's sick and tired of feeling awful, and she's ready to make some changes, DBT therapy can work, provided that she's committed to the process.

*If you can spend some time with the grandkids, they will get to see what a "normal," loving household looks like, which could be invaluable to them.

*To spend more time with the grandkids, it can be helpful to frame it as giving your daughter a break, and not about your need to see the kids, nor the children's needs.  That way, your daughter remains the center of attention, and she's not as incentivized to keep the kids away from you, to exert control or exact retribution for your perceived wrongs.

All the best to you.