My life with my adult child is hellish.

[Elleny-93]

I don't know if/how/how long I can do it anymore.

I am disabled with chronic pain... plus cPTSD from caregiving as a single parent and anxiety/depression. Both of my adult children are disabled, and one has been diagnosed with BPD, but won't acknowledge that, and thinks that the BPD-ish symptoms are from cPTSD and, of course -- most of that is my fault.

We have so far attended three family therapy sessions. My other child and I attend in person. My BPD child joins by phone. What's interesting is that, most of the time, BPDc is the most able-bodied of the three of us, yet it is my other child and I who make the major effort to attend therapy in person. However, when BPDc not this able-bodied, I have often had to rush her to the hospital or call for an ambulance because of her severe physical episodes.

If it were only physical issues, I could handle the stress; yes, even with being disabled myself. But BPDc is a bully and is punishing to the both of us, to the point where we often just stay in our rooms, while BPDc's bullying aura, and stuff (a lot of stuff) takes over the rest of the house. My house. I have grown to EXTREMELY DISLIKE living with BPDc.

I had BPDc leave to stay with BPDc's father about four years ago, asking for four to six weeks of space for healing while BPDc was to find a therapist for us (had particular things BPDc is not comfortable with re a therapist, so I told BPDc to choose). Well, BPDc became so angry with me that BPDc estranged from me for a year, except for occasionally extremely vicious texts when I would reach out. After that year, BPDc moved into an apartment with a "friend" for a year, at which time we became closer. After a year with the friend, Friend wanted to move back with family and because BPDc doesn't have enough money to live independently (nor drive), BPDc came back home. When BPDc realized they were actually breaking up, BPDc became suicidal and was hospitalized. In the midst of all that, I actually thought that our relationship was healing, but now it is just as bad as it was before.

If BPDC were in better health I would have BPDc move out again. But BPDc has nowhere to go and hasn't spoken to Father in two years.

I love my BPDc -- but the situation is slowly killing me. The stress has also made my other child sicker. Further, I've had a precancerous condition. I was supposed to get biopsied again, but I have no real support, I was trying to recover from the latest big blow-up last year,  and I just haven't pushed through the pain necessary to go do that --- and maybe I don't want to know. I don't want to keep living like this, but I can't figure my way out. I live in a limbo, hiding, just breathing until I die, really.

Thank you for any input.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Elleny-93 and welcome
My goodness! No wonder you are at the end of your tether and can’t see a way forward. Coping with a BPD child is enough on its own – more than enough – but to do so when you are in constant pain is just, well far too much for any one person.

There is the dilemma though of how to move forward. As you say your BPD child has nowhere to go and I imagine if you pushed her out in these circumstances you would be extremely anxious about her – which in turn would make your symptoms worse.

There are many ways in which we feel cornered when we are on a journey with a loved BPD child. They blame us – and can’t accept our reasonable explanations; they can’t move forward themselves because they don’t have insight into their own self; they react with intense emotion even at the slightest thing – but not all people with BPD are capable of practising emotional control.

We tend to live in our rooms here to – so understand what that is like. I find it easier and I like to explore things on my computer so it does help me to put my mind on something else – which is very important. BPD can take over my physical life but I don’t let it take over my mind (any more – I used to).

It is good that you are all engaging in family therapy – but I am wondering if you could access therapy by yourself? I feel it would be helpful for you to be able to express yourself freely – which can be difficult in a family situation.

Is it possible for you to get together with DD’s father to explore options for the future? You don’t say how old your DDs are, but given that you have to factor in the disabilities you have, it would be good to work together in looking to the future.

Are there any housing support services available? I would talk to my GP about the effect the home situation is having on your health and the health of your other DD. Really spell out the constant tension you are under.

It is interesting that your relationship with DD improved when she lived separately. I think that needs to be the aim, but how to get there is the problem. It takes a lot of energy to look into ways of change – and if you are in constant pain, your energy is already used up just managing day to day.

I think I would be in my room writing down a list of people to contact and their contact details. Anyone slightly associated with housing would be on that list, because if you don’t know where to start – which I often don’t – I find that if you just start somewhere people will direct you to someone who might be able to help.

Planning does mean that you need less energy to do things. You may have already explored all options and I apologize if that is the case. The last thing you need is for me to go over lots of stuff that you have already done.

But I want to let you know you are not alone on your journey. This is a place where people understand completely what it feels like to deal with BPD on a daily basis and know what it’s like to get to that point where you feel you just can’t go on.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I completely agree with Sancho and experienced many of the same things with my BPD daughter.

I just wanted to re-emphasize that your mental health should always come first.  Emotional turmoil makes that physical chronic pain even worse, which you already know from living it.  There has to be healthy boundaries in your home so the abusive behavior stops (or she leaves).

I used to tell my BPD daughter, "I love you and you can stay at home as long as you want, but there are a few rules that must be followed.  Clean up after yourself and treat others with kindness and respect."

If she didn't follow the two rules, then I would tell her that it's time for her to leave...but I would make it plainly obvious that she's leaving because it's her choice.  She can follow the rules and stay, or not follow the rules and go live life on her own terms.  I'd love her no matter what she decided, but she had to clearly choose- live with dad and follow two simple rules, or leave and make the rules herself.

My kid left multiple times, and came back multiple times.  That's fine, it was all her choice.  But at the same time, I also got to choose for myself and my choice was that anyone living in my home would follow two rules.

It took several years but my kid finally "got it".  I wasn't asking anything outrageous and my two rules were so much easier than the alternatives in the world.

I hope that helps!