Verbal and physical abusive episode

[Roper]

I would welcome any advice on how to approach a recent episode with our 42 year old daughter diagnosed with generalised anxiety and mixed personality disorder (although her behaviour is classic bpd )
This week our daughter has been getting increasingly anxious with multiple phone calls starting  at 5 in morning where she is very tearful agitated  child like and claiming to be frightened and alone.  She was moaning like a wounded animal and rocking backwards and forwards
Her behaviour was so distressing and disturbing that we agreed with her ex that she should not have the children this weekend and we would have her at our house to try and help her.
There was initially an improvement and she seemed calmer but last night triggered by not being able to speak to the children she turned on us accusing us of being in league with her ex to exclude her from seeing the children.
This was after telling us earlier that she  agreed she was not mentally well enough to see the children
This behaviour escalated into throwing her dinner at me and trying to hit my face I felt she was trying to scratch at  my eyes It was terrifying and her behaviour became verbally abusive swearing and raising all her standard accusations against her terrible childhood  her awful parents and brother.
 Her face was so full of spitting anger and hatred We spent 5 hours listening to these rants but because she was threatening to kill herself we did not dare to leave her alone . Finally she went to sleep.
Today we are  completely exhausted I have alerted her mental health team of her behaviour .
She is currently very quiet and said she was sorry although she is clearly feeling very sorry for herself.  I am not sure the apology was actually genuine but rather  she believes will enable her to remain at our home

 I feel  having her at our house is actually making matters worse as we  trigger her  behaviour. She demonstrates a real hatred towards us and I appreciate that in her mind we will always be at fault and are the cause of her problems .
 Any thoughts or advice ??

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

If she is being violent, terrifying you and threatening to kill herself, I think you need to dial 911, because she is a threat to herself and others.  I know this is tough to hear, but the way you describe things, she is teetering on the edge.  In one scenario, she gets taken to the hospital and is discharged shortly thereafter, and she remains raging mad at you, but she starts to learn that if she's a threat to herself or others, you call 911.  A better outcome would be that she spends some time in the hospital and sees some specialists for diagnosis and treatment.  She'd likely still be mad at you for calling 911, but she's already mad and acting out.

May I ask, is your daughter using unprescribed substances?  My BPD stepdaughter self-medicated with marijuana, and in my observation, that made her behavior much worse, including bouts of paranoia, psychosis, extreme mood swings and threats of violence.  She improved significantly when doctors (not her parents) told her that marijuana was making her worse, not better, and she quit.  She also remained committed to therapy and took medications as prescribed.  That was the deal between her and her father, for her father to continue to support her.  She could choose not to do what the doctors said, but then she'd be on her own.  The doctors said something similar:  they had suggested all available treatments, but she didn't want to comply.  The only available alternative was involuntary commitment.  She was read the riot act, and fortunately she decided to commit to DBT therapy and recommended treatments.

Look, I know it's tough to call 911 on your own kid.  When my BPD stepdaughter was acting like yours, her parents didn't want to call for help at first.  You see, they were blinded by a FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).  Their daughter said she didn't want to go to the hospital.  But she needed to spend some time there, more than once, to get the help she desperately needed.  Of course, when 911 was called, she blamed her parents, and she flipped the script, accusing a parent of assaulting her, when the reverse was true.  If you could preserve evidence of suicide threats or violent gestures (e.g. texts, voice recordings or video), that could help, because I understand that false accusations of assault are a common retalitory tactic.

Moreover, you are not triggering your daughter's behavior--it's not your fault.  Your daughter is so dysregulated that she'd be triggered by anything.  She is in full blame mode.  In a way, by protecting her and allowing her in your home when she's terrifying, you are enabling her to continue to blame you.  If you allow her to stay even though she destroys your property or becomes violent, she will be emboldened and blame you even more.  You might have to kick her out.  But I think what you describe calls for a call to 911.

[Resiliant]

I'm so sorry Roper, I do feel that CC's advice is spot on.

I say so from experience with how my own children were traumatized by the behavior of their father and I am sitting here thinking that if it was terrifying for you, then how would it be for the children?  Even if they were not there and you don't think that they are ever the targets of blame they will at some point be witnesses to the frightening behavior and they are so vulnerable.

Even my own very loving and capable mother said to me when my father's dementia was getting worrisome she said that at least she could call 911 if she had to. 

It's not a punishment, help is there for us when we realize that we can't handle things on our own any longer.

I wish you all the best,

R

[Resiliant]

Me again, and I'm sorry as I was thinking about this I realized that I neglected to address why some of us might fear calling 911.  Depending on where you live, you might be afraid to make the call because of situations that you might hear on the news of how a "wellness check" turned out.

In a small town you might be able to get to know the local officers to warm them up ahead of time or if not at least be careful in your wording when you make the call. 

All the more reason to not let things escalate too far before making the decision to call.

In some places you can ask for victim services or some type of counselor to come along instead of just the police responding.   Ask them to be gentle?

Can someone else help me out here?   I know that if it was my own pwBPD they might turn into a frightened caged animal if approached aggressively and it could all go sideways.

How can we make a call and do our best to ensure the safety of our loved one?

R

[CC43]

Indeed deciding to call 911 can be fraught.  I'd say that the experience involving my BPD stepdaughter went something like this, illustrating a range of reactions:

First time:  in response to a suicide attempt while at college; her roommates called 911.  She was taken to the hospital and made to stay for a week, mostly against her will.  After a day or two, my stepdaughter did not want to remain in the hospital, she wanted to get back to her life.  Her attempt wasn't "serious," she said she didn't really mean it.  She was released, withdrew from school and returned to live with her mother.  (At that time, she was estranged from her dad, probably because she was ashamed that she was failing out of school, and she couldn't bear to tell him.)

Second time:  After holing up in her room for months, not talking to anyone, not working, skipping therapy and not contributing to the household, she decides she wants to go back to college.  Her mom thinks she's not ready to go back to school because of her dysfunctional behavior at home and says she can't go.  Daughter has a meltdown, gets violent and threatens suicide.  911 is called.  She's held in the hospital for a few days, until she's stabilized.  She accused her mom of assault (see the blame-shifting?).  After her release, she became estranged from her mom and came to live with her dad and me for a few days.  Against her dad's better judgment, he allows her to go back to school (he paid the tuition and leased an apartment near the campus for her).

Third time:  She had withdrawn from college shortly after classes had started, but she decided not to tell her dad and continued to live on campus.  She went on trips with classmates.  However, as the semester was drawing to a close, her dad questioned her on her activities and whereabouts, because her spending activity on the joint cash account was suspicious. Concerned, her dad decided to visit her on campus, taking time off work and making the long trip, but she refused to see him.  Shortly thereafter, she was in the hospital again.  I don't know for sure whether 911 was called, or if she checked herself in.

Fourth time:  She came to live with her dad and me again, and the deal was that since she had decided to drop out of school, she had to get a part-time job or volunteer position, plus go to therapy.  But she couldn't handle any part-time jobs for more than two or three days, and she'd quit.  Several months passed by, and she was clearly miserable (making her family miserable along with her), when her dad confronted her about holing up in her room again.  She had a meltdown.  The next day, my husband came home early from work and found his daughter trying to kill herself, but she was not successful.  My husband called me on my way home from work and asked me to pretend that nothing happened, because he didn't want to see his daughter in the hospital again, and she didn't want to go.  I told him, You're not thinking straight, your daughter clearly isn't well.  She needs to go to the hospital right now!  He snapped out of it and drove her to the emergency room.  She stayed in the hospital around a week and then enrolled in a specialized therapy program, but she didn't really want to do it.

Fifth time:  She tried to live independently but continued to struggle, unable to find and keep a job.  After several months of struggling, she checked herself into the hospital.  At that time she was read the riot act by doctors and her dad.  She could choose not to do the recommended therapy, but then she'd be on her own.  And if she ever ended up in the hospital again, she'd be committed against her will.  Fortunately, this time, she committed herself to to therapy and turned her life around.