MIL hasta BPD and my nervous system is shot

[cgr1998]

New here - my MIL has BPD and it’s awful. Hubs and I have been married almost 10 years. She has told me the most cruel things and been so deceitful and manipulative. When we first got married I had such high hopes that she and I would be close and have a good relationship. I put up with so much for so long. Last year I decided I had enough and I sat her down and we had a talk. It did NOTHING. It actually made things worse. She did not accept any responsibility or acknowledge how she hurt me. She just got mad at me and stayed mad for a year. I now walk on eggshells and am very calculated with how I speak and react. I feel very fake. Every interaction is just draining. And now when she seems mad or leaves me on “read” my anxiety skyrockets. I’m not sure why. Maybe cuz I know what she’s capable of? My husband has advised me that you can’t get too close to her, can’t be vulnerable, can’t expect much, basically keep her at arms length. I think he’s used to her and doesn’t let her behavior/words affect him. I’m not there yet. Any tips or advice would be so appreciated!

[Notwendy]

Welcome to this board.

I think it will be helpful to read about Karpman triangle dynamics to help understand these situations. When you confront your MIL, you step into the Karpman triangle. BPD MIL is in victim perspective. Her reaction is against you.

For your H- this is his mother and these dynamics have been between them and his family since before her met you. These are long standing patterns for him. It seems to me that he has figured out a way to not be as affected by her behavior and he's advising you to do the same. It's understandable that you feel he's not as affected by her behavior as you are. Actually, I think he is- and was as a child but he's figured out that she is who she is and that talking to her about it isn't effective.

Because you didn't grow up with this situation, and you are a sensitive and caring person- you feel more vulnerable to your MIL's behaviors. It's completely understandable that they bother you. It does feel fake to you as it's not what you normally do and it isn't "normal". It's that this is not the usual mother-child relationship but it's the one your H has.

Rather than walk on eggshells, I think what he's proposing is "grey rock"- keeping a neutral emotional position in relationship with her. Walking on eggshells involves fear and anxiety. Grey rock is bland and neutral- not reacting emotionally. This can take some practice. It may take some personal counseling on your part. I understand your disappointment and wanting to have a close relationship with your MIL and wanting her to like you but she is who she is.

As much as I wanted to have a close relationship with my BPD mother, it seemed that "gray rock" was what I felt I had to do too. One could not be close or vulnerable with her. It has taken some counseling too.

[HappyChappy]

I sat her down and we had a talk. It did NOTHING. It actually made things worse.

This will make things worse, as your MIL is afraid of losing control over her son, so wants you on side. She will provoke fear, but

My husband has advised me that you can’t get too close to her, can’t be vulnerable, can’t expect much, basically keep her at arms length.

Sage advice, imo. Avoid allowing her to divide and conquer you, keep a united front. Using the S.E.T. framework (Support, Empathy, Truth) when dealing with someone with BPD can help.

And now when she seems mad or leaves me on “read” my anxiety skyrockets.

Ask yourself what would happen if you do nothing ? Focus on reducing the fear she has manufactured (meditation, walks etc…)  Sometimes going low to no contact is the only option. You don’t have to ignore her, just a brief text message (avoid phone calls and personal meetings) until you can weather it better.