Moving on...

[usagi]

It's been a LONG time since I've posted.  I decided to break up with my pwBPD last August.  This came after some arguments she had had with some of my friends.  I knew the dysfunction was finally spilling into other areas of my life and I decided this was enough.  Since then she's tried in different ways to re-engage.  She even admitted to me last November that she still loved me and wanted to know if we could try to "restart" our relationship.  I gently said that I didn't have those feelings for her anymore at which point she started talking about how damaging I had been to the relationship.  After a dog visitation that went awry and a blow up on her part, I had barely heard from her since this past December.  I did get a text from her around mid January when she shared a photo of some clouds that had some meaning to our relationship.  I only replied, "thanks for sharing."  My birthday came around recently and she texted happy birthday.  The following day she called.  At the time I was with my new partner and decided to not interact with the voicemail message she left until I was alone because I wanted to focus my attention on her.  When I did listen I found that she wanted to re-engage again.  Prior to the blow up in December she had wanted me to talk to her son about what had happened with the breakup.  She said that he had been struggling with this.  I had offered at different times to talk to him but when I did she'd change the circumstances under which I could talk to him.  After the blow up I figured I wouldn't need to do this anymore.  Anyway, in the voicemail message she said that it was a "bummer that things ended in an ugly way" last December, failing to admit that she was the one that created the ugliness.  She went on to talk about how we had some really wonderful times together.  Then she said she'd try to call back some other time.  It was at this point I decided to block her number from my phone.  The tone of the voicemail and the content just reaffirmed that she hadn't changed at all.  I've realized that any engagement with her at all will only lead to me experiencing more abuse.

I talked this over with a couple of close friends and decided to write her a letter to say that I wouldn't be available to talk anymore and that I'm moving on with my life.  I also included a letter for her son talking about what I felt lead to the end of the relationship, how it didn't have anything to do with him, and how I'll think fondly of some of the times we had together.  I've recently moved and am not providing my new address.  She's got my cell number and email but that's really about it.

I have a feeling that even after I send this letter she'll try to find some way of contacting me.  I've learned over the years that she does not take "no" for an answer.  My worst fears are that she'll try to show up some places she knows I frequent but I think the chances of that are very slim.

I held out some hope that we could at least have a somewhat amicable relationship.  The occasional text conversation or something like that.  But after our interactions late last year and this past phone call I don't think it's possible.  It makes me extremely sad but in a way relieved.

Aside from this, I have a new job, new home, and new relationship.  My life is 180 degrees from where it was a year ago.  I'm finally excited about my future again.  I'm hoping that this letter can help close those long chapters of my life.  I also hope that my ex partner can find a way to move on.

Thank you very much BPD Family!  You've been here for nearly the entire arc of this experience.  The folks on this forum have provided deeply appreciated guidance and shared experiences that have given me prospective on my situation.  I think that it will still take me some time to recover from this experience.  I have generalized anxiety and am slowly establishing a new baseline.  Working to piece my life back together...