I’m nervous about today

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I frequent this forum when I feel like I’m loosing my mind and need reminded that I’m not alone. I feel like im on edge today in particular because I have to make it through a 16 hour car ride (we leave tonight) and my husband has been splitting.
I’ve been walking on egg shells for years. I go to work, nest a lot, tend to the kids and try to keep to myself . Outside of work, and getting my kids to birthday parties and the occasional extracurricular activity, my life is very monotonous.Primarily because I work a lot to make ends meet, I don’t have friends and keep my family at a healthy distance. The more i interact with people (outside of the kids the) the more he is triggered and I feel like I “pay for it later”. I journal and pray alot and honestly just live my life 2 steps ahead so I can get by. My personality type does not align with what I put up with and the only reason I’m still in this relationship is because every time I leave I’m dependent on others helping me (which doesn’t last), he acts like the good guy so I just look like I’m putting my kids through an ordeal unnecessarily and he stalks me.My plan is to leave when my kids are all over 18 so I can disappear. They’ll know where to find me but he won’t .
I’m worried about the car ride which  is to my son’s graduation. I really want to see my son walk so I’m determined to push through whatever mental torment comes my way for my kid. But it would be nice to not have to worry about such things !
 Thanks for allowing me to vent !

[Pinkcamellias]

I frequent this forum when I feel like I’m loosing my mind and need reminded that I’m not alone. I feel like im on edge today in particular because I have to make it through a 16 hour car ride (we leave tonight) and my husband has been splitting.
I’ve been walking on egg shells for years. I go to work, nest a lot, tend to the kids and try to keep to myself . Outside of work, and getting my kids to birthday parties and the occasional extracurricular activity, my life is very monotonous.Primarily because I work a lot to make ends meet, I don’t have friends and keep my family at a healthy distance. The more i interact with people (outside of the kids the) the more he is triggered and I feel like I “pay for it later”. I journal and pray alot and honestly just live my life 2 steps ahead so I can get by. My personality type does not align with what I put up with and the only reason I’m still in this relationship is because every time I leave I’m dependent on others helping me (which doesn’t last), he acts like the good guy so I just look like I’m putting my kids through an ordeal unnecessarily and he stalks me.My plan is to leave when my kids are all over 18 so I can disappear. They’ll know where to find me but he won’t .
I’m worried about the car ride which  is to my son’s graduation. I really want to see my son walk so I’m determined to push through whatever mental torment comes my way for my kid. But it would be nice to not have to worry about such things !
 Thanks for allowing me to vent !

[PeteWitsend]

Since you're truly going to be stuck in a car with him, and can't get out of his physical presence for 16 hours, it's probably a good idea to review the "Tools" tab at the top of this website, and remind yourself of the techniques to end conflict, to stay calm, listen with empathy, and to avoid taking the bait when he tries to draw you into an argument. 

At least you see a light at the end of the tunnel here; hopefully you don't have too long to go until your kids are all over 18.

[ForeverDad]

Do you really need to wait until the children are legal adults to exit the marriage?  If the children are able to stand up for themselves then one possible positive is family court would likely give older minors a limited voice in whom they'd prefer to be their primary parent.  So I guess my question is, are any of your children enmeshed with or controlled by your spouse, which would make a sooner separation more difficult?

I recall that when my son was 11 years old and my divorce had long since been final my ex's lawyer filed for the court to have an in camera interview with our son.  By then we had been in and out of court for years but court, as is typical, had never once met the children.  The court and his Guardian ad Litem (GAL or child's attorney) never quizzed him directly in that session.  I  learned they just spoke on various topics and noted how he responded when a parent was being mentioned.  The court ruled in my favor.

However, whenever you do decide that the adult relationship is over and it's time to end it, then be aware that there are some aspects of your life you do not share.  I'm speaking of your plans and exit strategies.  If you reveal too soon you're leaving, he may block or raid the shared accounts.  If you share your exit strategies he may feel empowered to sabotage them, perhaps even try to turn the kids against you.

Divorce in our sort of cases takes longer than others.  My divorce took two years, a bit longer than most reported here.  My son was only three years old when we separated, but I hear that sometimes older children, especially ones that drive, have been known to "vote with their feet".

[Pinkcamellias]

Thank you for the insight and care. We’ve returned home and just wanted to share an update on how it went. So the drive went better than expected. On the way there he had an attitude and refused to take turns driving  so he could rest . I got the sense that he was doing his best to regulate his emotions and play nice  while  since the kids were in ear shot. He did say small hurtful things that felt like jabs but I remained calm.A few times I would doze off unintentionally and he would jerk the car . After the 3rd time I felt it might have been intentional so I stayed awake. By the time we arrived he flipped a switch and began tormenting me. He refused to sit next to me at the graduation, kept whispering horrible things in my ear at the celebratory dinner. Total galighting. He became so unhinged our daughter heard him say “ you should go shoot your shot “. He was referring  to this idea that I’m secretly plotting to cheat on him with my ex. My daughter looked puzzled and concerned. He followed me everywhere to “catch me” and accused me and my ex of stealing glances.Somehow I manages to not run out in tears but this weekend was hard. Ok Sunday before we hit the road, he apologized with his back to me and refused to make eye contact because he claimed he was crying . I remained calm to ensure we arrived back home safely. This morning I told him I need space and asked him to leave. He began blaming all our problems on lack of sex and intimacy. Then it became about my mother . It was all over the place . He ultimately said if he leaves he WILL cheat so I need to be sure this is what I want. I told him to do what he wants I just need space. He doesn’t really want to leave due to his image and wouldn’t want his  family to know . This weekend was a lot . I’m proud of myself for not letting him break me but I couldn’t not believe the lengths he took to hurt me . My goal is to get out safetly.

[PeteWitsend]

sorry you're going through all that.  It sounds pretty miserable.  He sounds like a complete nightmare to be around.

When you say get out safely, are you concerned for your safety?  or your kids?  or both?

You also mentioned earlier not being able to leave because of having to rely on others.  Is it a lack of resources and money then that's also keeping you there?