NC - Extreme Fear

[yeslady]

Hello. After I made a post here about a week ago about going low contact, my BPD mother greatly escalated the situation as she was rebelling against the low contact I had implemented. I won't go into specifics, but it involved my children and my sister's children and was very upsetting as my mom was particularly disregulated. I realized at this point that my own enmeshment had created a very toxic situation in which she was dangerously attached to me and that low contact would never be accepted. I additionally realized that I was putting my kids at risk and harming my marriage all for the sake of appeasing her. I did a lot of thinking and could come to no other possible solution that sending her a no contact email. I have informed all of my family members of this decision and plan to send the email today. My problem is my mother lives very close and ... I am so scared. I am terrified. I can find no information online about what kind of reaction to expect. I don't even know if she will ever accept this or if she will still randomly show up to verbally (possibly physically) attack me for the rest of my life. I have blocked her number and plan to have my husband home before I send it off. If anyone could give me an idea of what to expect and how long no contact takes to be accepted (if it ever is) I would appreciate it. (Just to be clear, I have read as many posts as I can find on NC and I really have thought this through, talked to family, husband etc. and the objective is TRUE NC. Not I will call again in a week or anything like that.)

[Notwendy]

Did you send the email? If not, then hold off until you can process it here. If you have already- then don't worry- it is what it is. I found that any emails I sent my parents were misinterpreted and also "used as evidence" against me. So, I was careful about anything in writing to them. If you did this already- don't worry- I sent emails too, hoping for some understanding.

My BPD mother did some very hurtful things too. I get it.

[Notwendy]

You can still go NC, email or not.

[yeslady]

You can still go NC, email or not.

Hi, thank you for your reply. I did send the email. I made a list of solid reasons why I was doing it to refer back to later if I feel guilt later. I prayed a lot before doing this. I made sure the email was brief and respectful, but clear that it left no room for an opening now or in the future for a relationship. I really think I made the right decision. I was massively failing my family, dropping my daily responsibilities, everything was at the mercy of her whims. I really do see that I caused this. I fed into it to create a false sense of security for myself. I thought if I gave her everything she wanted and did everything she wanted ... there would be calm. But I can see now I only encouraged her bad behavior and wasn't even helpful to her. Her spirals would come and go on their own regardless of how attentive I was. Anyway, I was just curious if anyone knew what kind of repercussions I might get from this. I have blocked all her phone numbers and email so even if she replies I won't be able to see it. I don't think I want to or could handle reading anything from her. I was clear with her that I wasn't mad or trying to cause guilt. That this was just something I had to do for myself. I really meant that. I wondered if sending the email was even necessary but I decided in the end it was because ... well I have "managed" about 1 to 2 massive spirals a month from my mom this year alone, and when I added up all the time those took from me and my family ... I needed a solution that would not allow even 1 more waste of time on something I can't change.

[yeslady]

I found that any emails I sent my parents were misinterpreted and also "used as evidence" against me.

This is not something I am too worried about. I discussed my decision with all my family members in advance and they understood my reasons very well. They weren't all 100% supportive, but no one disagreed with me and some were fully supportive. This has been a family-wide issue since basically my birth. I have been the linch pin for a while. I think my siblings at least are somewhat happy to see me free myself from this thing I made myself carry. My father understands and did not try to dissuade me at all. But he might change his mind given time and enough of her pushing.

[yeslady]

My BPD mother did some very hurtful things too. I get it.

I didn't say a single word against her in the email. I just said the relationship was not working for me and I needed to work on myself alone. I didn't see any good in putting anything to her.

[Notwendy]

I think you did the best you can to protect your emotional health and be able to focus on your family. My situation was a bit different- my mother also expected me to meet her needs, but I am not her preferred child, and our relationship felt more about me being useful to her. I was more attached to my father but he and my mother were enmeshed and he was her enabler.

So here was the contingency. My parents were a pair.  I wanted my father's approval- and approval seemed contingent on compliance with BPD mother. In Karpman triangle dynamics- if BPD mother was angry at me, she'd be in victim perspective, Dad would join her as rescuer. The most peaceful dynamic was for me to just comply with whatever she wanted and be an enabler too, however, you know that isn't a solution for BPD issues.

So what are the consequences of changing your role in the family? Look at family systems. Families also behave as a unit. If there's a person with a disorder in the family, the other family members also take on disordered roles even if they, themselves, don't have a disorder. (you recognized your role as caretaker/enabler) This creates a certain comfort level and balance in the family. If one family member changes their behavior- the family feels "out of balance" - and the remaining family members feel a sense of discomfort.

The first reaction is for the family members who feel discomfort is to get that family member back into the role that keeps the family in balance- however that may work for them- asking, being overly nice, or being punitive. If these attempts don't work- they may eventually reject that family member and form a new unit that gets into balance for them.

Here is how it went with my family. Dad was the main enabler/emotional caretaker and support person for BPD mother. I did not live very close to my parents and so, on visits, I would just go along with the situation. Since visits were short term and included several family members, BPD mother's behavior was not much of an issue.

Dad got ill, which kept him from doing all that he was doing for BPD mother. This changed the dynamics between them, and her behavior escalated. I stayed with my parents for a while to help out. Dad was in the hospital and so I was home alone with BPD mother for an extended time - the first time doing this since childhood and she was emotionally unglued and the situation was emotionally and verbally abusive. That was my "bottom" point with her.

At around this time, my kids were getting older and she began enlisting them as caretakers. I didn't want them to be in this situation either.

I didn't go NC but I had boundaries and this also changed the dynamics in the family. One boundary was that BPD mother wanted access to my children. She had been attempting to get them alone with her and have them be her emotional caretakers. That was a firm "no" for me. I made sure all visits were in a group and my children were not alone with her.

BPD mother does not like boundaries. A while later- Dad sends me an email saying "I just want us to be a happy family again".

Again? Were we ever? Is being a happy family contingent on tolerating emotional and verbal abuse? Does this include my children too?  I never expected to have to choose between my father's approval and this but my priority was my children's well being and to be able to focus on their needs. This seems similar to your decision.

Your mother may be different than mine in this- but if BPD mother is angry- she retaliates and can be cruel. She was. She also sees people as being "on her side or not her side". My father took "her side" and so did her extended family. This created divisions in the family.

I would say your fear is a normal response to changing your role in the family. It's new to you and it is scary because, your being an enabler was what feels safe to you. That your BPD mother's behavior escalated when you made changes is predictable. It's the extinction burst. It's what she has done to get you to comply with her and now you aren't. What I imagine happening next is Karpman triangle dynamics. Your father will sense the discomfort and try to get you back in line. Other family members may do this too.

[yeslady]

I think you did the best you can to protect your emotional health and be able to focus on your family. My situation was a bit different- my mother also expected me to meet her needs, but I am not her preferred child, and our relationship felt more about me being useful to her. I was more attached to my father but he and my mother were enmeshed and he was her enabler.

So here was the contingency. My parents were a pair.  I wanted my father's approval- and approval seemed contingent on compliance with BPD mother. In Karpman triangle dynamics- if BPD mother was angry at me, she'd be in victim perspective, Dad would join her as rescuer. The most peaceful dynamic was for me to just comply with whatever she wanted and be an enabler too, however, you know that isn't a solution for BPD issues.

Hi Notwendy,

I very much appreciate ALL your replies and this one particularly. My situation and position in the family dynamics is identical to yours excluding the fact that I live so close to my parents that my complying and enabling had reached a fever pitch - it was almost daily. Add to that my mother acted out against my young children, terrifying them, when I set a rather mild boundary. After I sent the letter last night my sister told me mom called and texted her. My sister (34) was scared and asked me what to do, so I advised her to say she knew nothing and avoid contact for a few days if possible to protect herself. Meanwhile, my parents use my Amazon account for TV. Two hours after I sent the email I can see that my parents are watching a funny sitcom. I think "How can this be?". I am shaking and compulsively praying and they are relaxing? What I think happened is that my father (who I informed of my intent to go NC prior to sending the email) lied to my mother and minimized the impact of my email. He likely suggested that this was truly a personal problem for me and had nothing to do with her at all. The wording of my email helped because I never laid any blame. This realization hurt me. It's like I'm a dog who pulled at her leash too hard and they think they can let me run a bit then put me back in the kennel later. Meanwhile, my whole body is melting with fear. I woke up this morning sick to my stomach and filled with guilt. My parents aren't old enough yet to need care, but that time will come. I do care about my parents' well-being even now, even now that I see that I have been tolerating some pretty serious abuse not just from my mom but also from my enabling father, who I had looked up to. It crushes me, but he has been watching me take this for decades. He watched me do his job for him and give up my life to this and he allowed it.

I appreciate your information on the Karpman triangle dynamics. This seems very likely to me. I plan to resist any attempt to go back to the "old normal" (which I expect to come from my father) as that is just not possible for me anymore. I have my kids to think of. Not just their safety but also the behavior I model for them. I have some very naive hopes that by going NC and sticking to it maybe the old dynamics - in which, yes, ALL family members were taking on disordered roles - could give way to a new dynamic in which at least I am not disordered.

I was sorry to hear about your "bottom" point. I am surprised your mother still had the energy to attempt to enlist your children at her advanced age. I guess I still don't understand how serious BPD is. I think your handling of everything gives me a good moral map for the future, but with more realistic expectations that a "happy family" is not in my future.

[Notwendy]

I was sorry to hear about your "bottom" point. I am surprised your mother still had the energy to attempt to enlist your children at her advanced age. I guess I still don't understand how serious BPD is. I think your handling of everything gives me a good moral map for the future, but with more realistic expectations that a "happy family" is not in my future.

My mother had large emotional needs. One of them was to have people "do things for her". She needed people to be subservient to her. She had NPD traits and this met a feeling of being superior for her.

It seemed as if my relationship with her was primarily me doing things for her. One of the first things she'd say if I told her I was visiting is "good, there are things to do" and the visit would consist of me running errands for her, and doing things for her. Another aspect of this was that she had to be the one in command. If I did something and she didn't request it- or control it- she'd be upset about that.

The kids met her needs in various ways. One family "rule" was that mother was normal- and that she was a good mother. Grandkids served this purpose too. So, if I had boundaries with them, what could be the issue? Not her so I had to be the one to blame for that. Her extended family mostly knew her through her narrative. I think Dad went along with this, even if he didn't believe it but didn't want to cause drama with her.

Age wasn't a factor in this emotional need. In a way, it made it more possible for her to get people to do things for her as elderly people may need assistance. People who didn't know her well assumed this. However, the need was there when she was younger too. The way she enlists someone to do things for her is to ask a small favor and when they do it, she compliments them, and this becomes the nature of their relationship.

As the kids got older- they became more capable of doing things for her so she began requesting this too. I did want my kids to respect elderly people and be helpful to them- so it wasn't unreasonable for them to do things for her. One day though, I was in the kitchen and she came in asking where a specific grandchild was. The kids were busy doing something else, so I asked her why and she said she needed the trash taken out. I was right there so I said I'd do it and she replied "No I want grandchild to do it". I took the trash out and she had a fit that I did it. There were other incidents too but that is when I could see she wanted them to meet her emotional needs. I think the kids should help with chores but this wasn't about the chore and meeting her emotional needs is not their role.

I don't know if "happy family" with your family of origin is possible or not but it is with your own family and that is where your focus can be. Your contact with your parents may change over time or not. One of my boundaries with my mother was distance. She wanted to move near me to "see the grandkids" more- but that wasn't going to happen. I understand your concern about living near your parents. It does make the boundaries more challenging but you can have your boundaries.

[losthero]

Your sanity and emotional well-being come first. Your children need a healthy mother that can attend d to their needs. Your mother is selfish and emotionally immature.  My mother is 73 and  ever changed. Justly got worse with her severe attention seeking behaviors. My mom is on the severe spectrum of  NPD\BPD.  Boundaries were perceived as e,tremendous insults which made her dangerous.  I had to recently go no contact with her and changed my number after 30 years of trying to he!p her and neglecting my own needs and my children's needs. I did keep my kids away from her and they are both doing well as adults now. I regret not going no contact sooner.

[TelHill]

My mother had large emotional needs. One of them was to have people "do things for her". She needed people to be subservient to her. She had NPD traits and this met a feeling of being superior for her.

My brother is a quiet bpd and he attempts to trick me to perform chores for him and chores he’s promised to do for our elderly parents. I’ve gone nc with him and he cries. He can’t let go. I think that’s why he’s bpd. He uses flying monkeys who aren’t as frightened as he is to be his aggressors towards me.

Meanwhile, my parents use my Amazon account for TV. Two hours after I sent the email I can see that my parents are watching a funny sitcom. I think "How can this be?". I am shaking and compulsively praying and they are relaxing? What I think happened is that my father (who I informed of my intent to go NC prior to sending the email) lied to my mother and minimized the impact of my email. He likely suggested that this was truly a personal problem for me and had nothing to do with her at all. The wording of my email helped because I never laid any blame.

My mom is dBPD and a rager who’s an 11 on a 1 to 10 scale of anger. My dad is the enabler. I believe he knows how horrible my mother is to me. I sometimes believe he’s not in denial but believes I should absorb or withstand her behavior as an obligation or duty of the family.  He does so I should too. She’s unwell and this is what’s done.  There’s no concept of mental health or other modern buzz words. It’s silly to him.

Sending an email can be a good boundary. I do this with my brother to let him know I’m not a pushover and I’m not as dumb as he makes me out to be.  He’s backed off and the insults have decreased which is a relief.

Your sanity and emotional well-being come first. Your children need a healthy mother that can attend d to their needs. Your mother is selfish and emotionally immature.  My mother is 73 and  ever changed. Justly got worse with her severe attention seeking behaviors. My mom is on the severe spectrum of  NPD\BPD.  Boundaries were perceived as e,tremendous insults which made her dangerous.  I had to recently go no contact with her and changed my number after 30 years of trying to he!p her and neglecting my own needs and my children's needs. I did keep my kids away from her and they are both doing well as adults now. I regret not going no contact sooner.

I agree and have had to go NC with my dBPD mom most of my life. There is no extinction burst, but a heightened call to battle. My mom’s a rager and emotional abuser. She thinks this is her right and probably sees me as her property to do with as she desires.

You have to protect yourself against this sick narrative, losthero. My mother is incorrigible. My father kept her at home — not driving and not working outside the home — for fear of her hitting a co-worker or another driver and being arrested.He’s never been concerned that she’s treated me the same way.

You have to cut relationships with some of these parents. It’s torture to be their target and it never gets better.

[Notwendy]

My mom is on the severe spectrum of  NPD\BPD.  Boundaries were perceived as tremendous insults which made her dangerous. 

Mine too. And if she felt indignantly insulted, she'd retaliate.
 
One of the boundaries I had with her was distance. But after her behavior surrounding Dad's passing, I knew it would be unmanageable. I'd visit her but after each visit, have difficulty sleeping for a few weeks.

I think distance was a reason that LC was more feasable than NC. Actually after Dad passed, she was more NC with me at that time. We did have more contact in her later years due to her elder care needs. Both NC and LC have their challenges- we make the choice that is the one that fits our situations as best as possible.