Is going NC too extreme?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone, hope you're doing well!
So my mom was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year. I always knew something was off but never had the right words to explain it.. until her diagnosis.

Her and I have always had a weird relationship. When I was a child, the best description for our relationship was "emotional incest"; everyone commented on how weirdly close we were and how damaging that was to me, but we always protested that anything was wrong, of course.

Then as I became a teen and naturally started seeking independence, she completely turned on me. She became emotionally abusive, yelled at me constantly, got drunk everyday after work, etc. I often went to bed crying and sometimes even thought of ending things because I felt trapped; everyone saw what she was doing and how that impacted me, but I was told to just "try harder" to make things work and to forgive her for her faults.

As I became an adult, things got a little better. She stopped yelling and drinking as much. She got her diagnosis and started taking medicine (not sure which but I believe it's a mood stabilizer, based on vague things she's told me). She even saw a therapist for a month or so before claiming the therapist told her there was "nothing else to teach" her. I doubt the therapist actually said that, unless she just sucks as a therapist, but that's what my mom says happened.

I was also diagnosed with something: PTSD. My therapist has been an amazing support in my life and I am so, so deeply grateful for her. I haven't voiced my desire to go NC yet but I know she would support me making whatever choice is best for me.

So onto the main problem going on right now. My mom has had to live with me due to some financial problems she's having; I knew going into this arrangement that things would be complicated but it's so much worse than I imagined. The stress of living with her again, even while she takes meds, has been so impactful on me that I began having seizures over the weekend. Well, I personally think they're caused by the stress because the doctors I saw when I went to the hospital for both seizures said stress can absolutely be a trigger. At the very least, being so stressed is NOT helping the situation.

When I went to the hospital for the first seizure, I began thinking that maybe I need to go low contact with her for the sake of my mental and physical health. Reaffirming this decision was when my family decided I needed to stay with someone until I can see a neurologist in a few weeks and my mother went off on me for choosing my other parent; please keep in mind that my other parent is semi-retired and has EMT training, so even beyond my mother's insanity, staying with my other parent makes the most logical sense. She ultimately accepted my decision but was still very, very unhappy about it.


Now, here's where I started seriously considering going no contact. After I had my second seizure, I received a deeply saddening text from her.. except it wasn't meant for me. I am a trans man and she accidentally texted me "I'm going to leave work early to go see [my deadname]". She has had very mixed reactions to my transition but I thought she ultimately accepted it because she uses my chosen name.. well, clearly she only uses it to my face! I've been out to my family for over 4 years now so if I had just recently come out, I would've absolutely been understanding of a "slip up". Hell, if she had just apologized and made an effort to do better, I would've been more understanding.


But nope! She started ranting about how she "didn't mean to" but that I was being unfair to expect "so much" of her. She sent me text after text after text saying that she was the victim here and that I was cruel for being (rightfully) upset by her actions. She claimed that it was a mistake that her phone just "came up with that name without me having to type it" and that I was being mean for saying I needed a little space to gather my thoughts. She also got other family members to call me to defend her and I ended up just blocking her and those family members.


I just.. don't understand how a woman who claims she loves me more than life and that she would do anything for me.. can't respect my identity? Or at least respect my health enough to not deadname me while I'm recovering from two major medical emergencies. The doctors we saw after both seizures told us that I CANNOT be stressed out right now. She was there when both doctors said that! She swore up and down that she would do anything to help me heal and not be stressed out. I'm now starting to seriously consider NC for the sake of my mental and physical health.


This situation is further complicated by the fact that my family simply doesn't understand how much pain she causes me on a daily basis. They all acknowledge that something is wrong with her; my other parent divorced her over her BPD and my aunt and I talk multiple times a week about how much she stresses the both of us out. And yet.. I'm the only one who sees the situation with clarity. My other parent told me I'm overreacting and when I shared my PTSD diagnosis, told me I shouldn't let my trauma impact me so much. My aunt told me she supports whatever decision I make but still tries to talk me out of it because she thinks I'll regret it.

I've just hit my limit and my body literally cannot take this anymore. I love my mom so so so much and I'm terrified of her response to this (she's gonna be angry as hell and honestly will probably try to unalive herself) but I just can't take it anymore. My body and mind are protesting and I have to pick myself for once. Even if my family judges me for this, I want to be healthy and going NC seems to be the best way to ensure that.


I'm just hoping for support or advice, I guess. Have any of y'all dealt with a similar situation or gone NC? Any tips, insights, or words of encouragement are extremely appreciated!!!!!

[Cjbl222]

Hi everyone, hope you're doing well!
So my mom was diagnosed with BPD earlier this year. I always knew something was off but never had the right words to explain it.. until her diagnosis.

Her and I have always had a weird relationship. When I was a child, the best description for our relationship was "emotional incest"; everyone commented on how weirdly close we were and how damaging that was to me, but we always protested that anything was wrong, of course.

Then as I became a teen and naturally started seeking independence, she completely turned on me. She became emotionally abusive, yelled at me constantly, got drunk everyday after work, etc. I often went to bed crying and sometimes even thought of ending things because I felt trapped; everyone saw what she was doing and how that impacted me, but I was told to just "try harder" to make things work and to forgive her for her faults.

As I became an adult, things got a little better. She stopped yelling and drinking as much. She got her diagnosis and started taking medicine (not sure which but I believe it's a mood stabilizer, based on vague things she's told me). She even saw a therapist for a month or so before claiming the therapist told her there was "nothing else to teach" her. I doubt the therapist actually said that, unless she just sucks as a therapist, but that's what my mom says happened.

I was also diagnosed with something: PTSD. My therapist has been an amazing support in my life and I am so, so deeply grateful for her. I haven't voiced my desire to go NC yet but I know she would support me making whatever choice is best for me.

So onto the main problem going on right now. My mom has had to live with me due to some financial problems she's having; I knew going into this arrangement that things would be complicated but it's so much worse than I imagined. The stress of living with her again, even while she takes meds, has been so impactful on me that I began having seizures over the weekend. Well, I personally think they're caused by the stress because the doctors I saw when I went to the hospital for both seizures said stress can absolutely be a trigger. At the very least, being so stressed is NOT helping the situation.

When I went to the hospital for the first seizure, I began thinking that maybe I need to go low contact with her for the sake of my mental and physical health. Reaffirming this decision was when my family decided I needed to stay with someone until I can see a neurologist in a few weeks and my mother went off on me for choosing my other parent; please keep in mind that my other parent is semi-retired and has EMT training, so even beyond my mother's insanity, staying with my other parent makes the most logical sense. She ultimately accepted my decision but was still very, very unhappy about it.


Now, here's where I started seriously considering going no contact. After I had my second seizure, I received a deeply saddening text from her.. except it wasn't meant for me. I am a trans man and she accidentally texted me "I'm going to leave work early to go see [my deadname]". She has had very mixed reactions to my transition but I thought she ultimately accepted it because she uses my chosen name.. well, clearly she only uses it to my face! I've been out to my family for over 4 years now so if I had just recently come out, I would've absolutely been understanding of a "slip up". Hell, if she had just apologized and made an effort to do better, I would've been more understanding.


But nope! She started ranting about how she "didn't mean to" but that I was being unfair to expect "so much" of her. She sent me text after text after text saying that she was the victim here and that I was cruel for being (rightfully) upset by her actions. She claimed that it was a mistake that her phone just "came up with that name without me having to type it" and that I was being mean for saying I needed a little space to gather my thoughts. She also got other family members to call me to defend her and I ended up just blocking her and those family members.


I just.. don't understand how a woman who claims she loves me more than life and that she would do anything for me.. can't respect my identity? Or at least respect my health enough to not deadname me while I'm recovering from two major medical emergencies. The doctors we saw after both seizures told us that I CANNOT be stressed out right now. She was there when both doctors said that! She swore up and down that she would do anything to help me heal and not be stressed out. I'm now starting to seriously consider NC for the sake of my mental and physical health.


This situation is further complicated by the fact that my family simply doesn't understand how much pain she causes me on a daily basis. They all acknowledge that something is wrong with her; my other parent divorced her over her BPD and my aunt and I talk multiple times a week about how much she stresses the both of us out. And yet.. I'm the only one who sees the situation with clarity. My other parent told me I'm overreacting and when I shared my PTSD diagnosis, told me I shouldn't let my trauma impact me so much. My aunt told me she supports whatever decision I make but still tries to talk me out of it because she thinks I'll regret it.

I've just hit my limit and my body literally cannot take this anymore. I love my mom so so so much and I'm terrified of her response to this (she's gonna be angry as hell and honestly will probably try to unalive herself) but I just can't take it anymore. My body and mind are protesting and I have to pick myself for once. Even if my family judges me for this, I want to be healthy and going NC seems to be the best way to ensure that.


I'm just hoping for support or advice, I guess. Have any of y'all dealt with a similar situation or gone NC? Any tips, insights, or words of encouragement are extremely appreciated!!!!!

[zachira]

You've just hit your limit with your mother with BPD and can't take it anymore. You are wondering if going NC with her is too extreme. From the physical and emotional pain you are experiencing, you may really have no choice but to go NC if you are going to survive, literally stay alive, heal from all the abuse, and have a hopeful future.

I am NC with my sister with NPD and very low contact with many relatives, including being low contact with my mother with BPD in the last years of her life. Many people do not understand the long term agony of being abused by a mother with BPD and other disordered people, and how this can lead to PTSD. I have complex PTSD from being abused since childhood and from ongoing abuse from my large extended family in which I am one of many generations of scapegoats.

If you were to go NC with your mother, how would you go about it? It is important to have a plan, and there are many members on this site who understand from personal experience how to best do NC, who will reach out and help you. My best piece of advice it to be very careful with the flying monkeys, the people who will criticize you for going NC and urge you to resume contact with your mother. I am dealing with a whole family of several generations and long term family friends, who view me as the problem because of my limited contact with family. If you go NC with your mother, she will blame you, and she is doing that anyway right now.

Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can help. There are many members on this site, who have been receiving help and supporting others for many years, and I am one of those people.

[Notwendy]

A counselor once put the decision in terms of "our side of the fence". Instead of thinking "this person is too disordered for me to be in contact with" it would be "I don't feel emotionally up to dealing with this person at the moment". This implies looking at our own situation and what to do about it based on our feelings, not their issue.

In your situation, I think, rather than "is NC too extreme?" another way to put it is- your own health situation is such that you aren't in a position to deal with your mother right now. Hopefully all is going to be well but what you are going through- you need rest, and peace, time to recover and to take care of yourself.

In a relationship with a pwBPD- their needs are high and family is often focused on their needs. It really isn't in your best interest to be in that situation. You need to diminish stress at the moment and focus on your recovery.

That she deadnamed you feels hurtful but it's not unusual for the pwBPD's behavior to escalate when the dynamics change and they are stressed. I know it feels hurtful but try to not let her behavior interfere with what you need to do to recover.

You can also invoke a "third party" in this. You can tell her that your doctors have prescribed quiet for you and that you won't be available by phone but you are staying with family and they will update her. This way she knows she will be kept informed of how you are doing. How long for NC? As long as you feel you need it for your own well being.

Hope you feel better soon.

[peachpie]

Oh man I identify with this so much. The BPD mom, the PTSD, the identity that challenges your parent, the explosive self defense, the flying monkeys. All of it. I'm really sorry to hear you're in this situation right now.

Your body is telling you what you need to do, and you are doing a great job by listening to it. You're doing a great job in horrible circumstances advocating for yourself and making moves to get in a safe and comfortable space. I understand the fear, the hesitation, the uncertainty. I was terrified to go NC with my uBPD mom, and terrified of the consequences. I feel wrenching guilt for doing it, and I'm going through a time of questioning my decision, but at least I now see that I really needed to do it to stay alive at the time.

If the seizures are caused by this stress, then that's your body screaming for help. From experience I can say that NC can give you the space to listen to your body at a lower volume over time. Once I went NC, once I got that space, my body didn't have to send psychosomatic medical emergencies to get my attention. It's physically so much more comfortable to be able to recognize a tension headache coming on, than to be living in one large tension headache where I only recognized the migraines.

NC is your own decision. Your mom might react as if you're cutting her off forever, full stop. If it helps you feel more accepting of it, maybe you can say to yourself that you'll be NC for as long as it takes you to feel more at ease. You don't have to communicate any of that to her, but it may be helpful to talk with yourself about it.

Sending hope that you get some relief soon.