Is my daughter being controlled by her partner?

[Clara72]

Do any of you feel that your daughter (or son) has gotten worse since they met their partners? My daughter has always been difficult but we always found a way through it, since she met him she never apologises, is openly hostile to her entire family (she's the eldest of 6) and has decided I am a narcissist, and am the entire problem for everything. She has a couple of babies which I"m currently not allowed to see (if I challenge her in even the gentlest way I get cut off for a period). It's very hard and I ache for my grandchildren, but I can't help but feel her partner wants me out of the way as if I"m not in contact with her, the rest of her family won't be (and they won't, her brothers have no time for her). He also knows that I would do anything for her, despite all the trouble we've had in the past, because she's my daughter. He moved her to another town away from us, and only his family are allowed to take care of the babies. It's very hurtful and she must know that. I offered to take her little boy when she was recently in hospital having her second child, and she didn't even tell me she had no intention of letting me mind him, even though I'd bought his favourite bedding and pjs and sent her a photo. We are treated like second class citizens despite her knowing well that our family is a very big, loving, musical family and our house full of laughter, as a child we lived in several different countries, and tons of adventures. Her 5 brothers are all very close to each other. His family have a controlling father, is a very cold and unhappy place and my daughter has acknowledged this to me in the past. So why is she doing this? Could he be controlling her? It's so hard to know as she's so stubborn to me how could she be controlled by this man? He actually told my sons a couple of times that if they got their girlfriend's fat she wouldn't leave them. My daughter's personality has disappeared, she's a husk of the girl she was and yes she became seriously and dangerously overweight for a while which made no sense as she never had issues with food growing up.

Am I looking for a  hook to hang my hurt or could there be a real problem here? And if so, how on earth can I help her when she despises me? Any advice welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Clara72
It does sound like there is influence from the partner. You will read many posts here from a parent whose child has been isolated from them by a BPD partner. It is often a sign that the family  - or even just one parent- is seen as a ‘threat’ ie the BPD person needs to feel he/she has the whole focus of the partner to avoid intense feelings of abandonment.

The love you have for your DD would be clear to her partner and therefore a ‘threat’ to him being your DD’s total focus.

You are certainly not alone in experiencing this situation. So many parents have posted here about being isolated from their adult child and grandchildren. It is heartbreaking to read their posts.

Understanding is helpful, but of course doesn’t solve the situation. One thing I do think is the case is that the more you appear to want contact, the more a BPD person will act to isolate.

I am wondering if you have any contact at all at the moment and if so what form does that take? Perhaps looking at that as a starting point might be helpful. here
I
 am wondering also if your DD feels under pressure – the weight issue etc appear to be unusual for her.
I hope you post again. I think it is important to know that there are many others experiencing the same heart-breaking situation. You are not alone.

[js friend]

Hi clara,

I certainly noticed the same things happening to my udd with her very first b/f. They met under the pretence that he was a God loving, God fearing man but the things he would do and say to her even in my presence were downright disrespectful made me believe otherwise. Unfortunately she had my gc to this man and after the birth of my first gc he told her infront of me that she should no longer live with me. why...because he didnt want to come to my house to visit his child! For years they went back and forth with a very toxic r/s but I dont think my udd couldnt  see a life without him however bad it was. She became more and more distant, secretive and angry towards all of us while she was with him.

Once he even put her in the hospital and she made up some story which didnt include him or dv but then it all came out later. I think she mirrored him quite a lot just to fit in and because she doesnt have a stable identity he worked on the very little self esteem that she had. I believe that he is a covert narcissist who drove herself esteem down and drove a wedge between us (her family) and she took it out on all of us. Things may have been different if her first b/f had been a normal guy or maybe this is the pattern of how  a normal guy but we will never know if it was his influence or this is how a normal Bpd / narc relationship goes. Now they have been broken up for years  which iam actually relieved about but she only ultimately moved on when she found  a new partner to replace him.

I think the only thing we can do is to take a backseat and provide a listening ear and give advice only when when asked for. My udd would also run back and tell her ex things I had said which would end up triangulating us. Maybe your sons may get further along with your dd, but eventually it must be her decision to leave. I wonder if it would be worth doing a welfare check in the meantime on her and the gc or do you think that would make the situation worse?