Married 1 year. BPD books making me more nervous.

[Zosima]

I've known my wife for 2 years and we've been living together for 1 year. She does not have a BPD diagnosis, but she is in DBT and exhibits many of the traits. I thought that the insecurities and emotional volatility I saw in the first year would get easier if I committed, moved her closer and made her feel more safe and secure. Since last summer it has evolved into gradually more frequent and intense spirals. In her defense, there are some challenging environmental factors: she is from another country and it took 5 months to get a work authorization and 8 months for the green card. During that time she couldn't work or drive here in Los Angeles, and she tended to isolate and feel insecure about meeting new people.

For the first 6 months she was here I tried to absorb all of her insecurity and do everything I could to limit the shame she felt and create a safe, encouraging environment. Eventually I burned out and started trying to set firm boundaries and protect myself. That's a hard dynamic to nail. Now, as I try to educate myself further about BPD and DBT, I find that the literature ("I Hate You, Don't Leave Me") my therapist recommended is making me feel more hesitant about continuing the marriage. Understanding the generational impact, child development, etc. makes me concerned about investing more time into someone who is clearly not ready to raise children now. We don't have to start right away, but at 38 and 29, we don't have a ton of time to burn, and I'm hesitant to invest years to find out she still isn't ready to commit seriously to DBT. There's plenty in the book that scares be, beyond raising children. I can see that my wife doesn't mirror all of the behavior they describe (at least not yet), but it paints a very frightening picture of our potential future.

She started DBT 4 months ago. It was clear that the fear of abandonment and insecurity was not improving and it was really straining our relationship. I was enthusiastic about starting, even though the resource we found was absurdly expensive. It was necessary. But in the back of my mind I thought, "I pray that I can weather this and be the man who can endure and support through this. But if she's not ready to seriously commit, then I can't wait until she is." It can take years even if one is committed. I did not sign up to take on a dependent. I deeply empathize with her plight, but I don't think I'm willing to sacrifice my life to sit in this dynamic for years without clear, consistent progress. Objectively, I know everyone recovers at their own pace, and in her own best interest it can't be tied to my needs. But she's obviously absolutely committed to keeping the relationship at all costs. I just don't know if I can weather it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[BeachTree]

I empathise with you. This is a very similar situation to what I was just in, except we weren’t married. She pushed that not being married & especially not having babies was the trigger, and that if I just committed to that everything would be great.
Most of the advise I got was along the track of there is nothing external that will help her, it will only temporarily help, because the core issue is internal. She needs to do the hard work to heal.
I hope you find can find your own decision out of clarity, not guilt.

[Zosima]

I appreciate it. I was just reading your post, and feel for you. 5 years probably feels like a big investment. There was one thing you said about wondering if you had just committed more (marriage, kids) it would have worked out. I can't say, but in my experience more commitment did not help. There's nothing we can do to fill that bottomless need for reassurance.

I have a big hang-up on feeling like I am responsible for her. I know very well it's all on her, but from what I understand it can be possible for her to learn the tools to regulate and find some self-compassion within a supportive, stable relationship. I really wanted to be that, but it's really testing my limits. Not just that it's hard to endure the spirals and constantly walking on eggshells—I find the insecurity and emotional fragility to be a really big turnoff, sexually and intellectually. I can really empathize, but it's also like the opposite of so much of what I respect and hoped for in a partner. The sex was great in the beginning, but now I mostly avoid it because I'm turned off and it feels threatening (any close/peaceful moment is prone to turn into a spiral).

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry we're meeting like this and I can only imagine how much harder the immigration aspect complicates things.  I sort of did the opposite; ended a 23 year marriage to a BPD ex and remarried last year in the Philippines.  We're going through the visa process now to get back over there (I won't go home without her) and the cultural differences are a real challenge.  I've adapted on this side of the world just fine, but I know it's going to be a huge struggle for her over there.

Question- was she already in LA on a visitor or student visa?  Or did you specifically bring her to the USA?  I'm guessing she's now legal due to the marriage and I understand the complexity of that dynamic for you and her.

For the first 6 months she was here I tried to absorb all of her insecurity and do everything I could to limit the shame she felt and create a safe, encouraging environment. Eventually I burned out and started trying to set firm boundaries and protect myself. That's a hard dynamic to nail. Now, as I try to educate myself further about BPD and DBT, I find that the literature ("I Hate You, Don't Leave Me") my therapist recommended is making me feel more hesitant about continuing the marriage. Understanding the generational impact, child development, etc. makes me concerned about investing more time into someone who is clearly not ready to raise children now. We don't have to start right away, but at 38 and 29, we don't have a ton of time to burn, and I'm hesitant to invest years to find out she still isn't ready to commit seriously to DBT.

I've learned the hard way that BPDs will start to get better when they are ready to make personal growth.  Any other outside factor is almost meaningless because we all get to decide for themselves what the best course of action is.  For her, it's super complicated...she may see reasons to change, but at the same time it's facing her worst fears and her mind at times is her own worst enemy.  It's a terrible way to live and i feel sympathy for her.

At the same time though, you're now married and in a committed relationship.  You posted in the "bettering" forum, where you'll get advice to improve the relationship.  Is that where you're at right now?  Or are you seriously thinking of walking away? 

Also, please understand that you play a part in this as well.  While she's the one with mental illness, this site and other resources can help you improve your communication skills to better validate her feelings without being dragged into conflict time and time again.  That alone makes huge differences in these relationships and can really turn things around with where she's at right now.

In other words, you're not waiting for someone to fix her.  Many of those problems can be fixed today through better communication and some genuine empathy.

I did not sign up to take on a dependent. I deeply empathize with her plight, but I don't think I'm willing to sacrifice my life to sit in this dynamic for years without clear, consistent progress.

In the Philippines, shame runs deep as a cultural thing.  Even though families are super supportive in every possible way, many can't bring themselves to ask for help.  Where is your wife from?  Understanding her culture could be a big part of what you're dealing with.