Wife's uBPD is taking its toll, just need to vent & feel heard

[fitdad]

Hi there,

I'm a married father of two (almost 3 and 5 months) and I'm 99.5% sure my wife has undiagnosed BPD/EUPD. I work from home which allows me to be very hands on with the kids, which I like. I'm originally from Australia, my wife is from a Slavic country so there are some cultural aspects to be aware of.

In the beginning, it was great. Looking back there were some red flags, notably being insanely jealous of past relationships before her, however at the time I didn't see it. I didn't even know what BPD was back then. We've been married 4 years.

She splits regularly, once every 2 weeks on average and sometimes there will be 2-3 splits within the same week. I've been to counselling to try and understand how I can deal with the belitting, blaming, the gaslighting, the disrespect and the yelling at our kids. It's brutal. We aren't intimate anymore, I have no interest in being intimate with someone who treats me this way. We both attended counselling as well but she just thought it was a waste of money and stopped going and refuses to go now.

I can feel divorce looming in the future, I never wanted that. Right now, I stay for my kids. Women always get the rights to the children and I cringe to think of what their home life would be like without me there. I'm playing both roles, father and mother. I'm the soft place to land for my kids, I'm the one who tends to their crying most of the time, I'm the one who cleans up the house and even prepares food much of the time. Not all the time, but my point is I'm the provider and about 65% the mother as well.

And yet, despite making above average income for where we live and she not having to work, I make no money. She defends other people over me. My father was dying, we went to see him and spend some time with him before he passed...she split like crazy, threatened to leave the country with the kids without me. Zero compassion.

Thanks for listening, I guess I just needed to vent. How do you all deal with it? I've been advised that all you can really do is try and be stoic, but that's tough in the face of blatant disrespect, gaslighting and efforts to sabotage your ability to make money and survive.

Any advice is welcomed.

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[kells76]

Hello fitdad and welcome to the group 

So much of what you describe will sound familiar to other members here -- you are not alone in this. The blame, lack of support when a family member is ill, threats, trying to parent young children in the chaos... this is beyond difficult, and many members have been in your shoes.

While there aren't easy solutions, it is possible to make a relationship more livable for yourself beyond just "suck it up and be stoic". A lot of the potential for making your relationship more livable for you rests with choices you make (versus trying to make her do or not do things), and a big one is getting support for yourself. You mentioned trying counseling -- are you still going? If so, do you feel understood by your counselor?

Does your W work outside the house? Is your 3YO in daycare or out of the house yet? Just getting a picture of who is doing what and where.

There are a lot of moving parts to your situation, and I get the fears and wondering about "OK, if we have to divorce, will I ever see my kids again". Let's take it one step at a time -- that's certainly not an unimportant question, and yet getting yourself to an emotional baseline now can help you make some wiser choices for a path forward. It might look like staying together, if things can stabilize/get "livable enough"; it might look different; but all you can do is what you can do in the present moment. I do think I hear you wondering about staying together, so we can focus on that for now.

Thanks for listening, I guess I just needed to vent. How do you all deal with it? I've been advised that all you can really do is try and be stoic, but that's tough in the face of blatant disrespect, gaslighting and efforts to sabotage your ability to make money and survive.

The person in my life with BPD is my husband's kids' mom, and yes, it is hard to find people who understand how difficult BPD makes a family situation.

For many years, my H and I had a marriage counselor, and I currently have an individual counselor... even though I'm not the one with BPD, my H doesn't have BPD, and I was never married to the pwBPD. It's that pervasive in a family system. So the #1 way I've dealt with it is by getting professional support.

I also learned a lot about BPD and about why my preferred communication methods (of pointing out inconsistency, using charts/graphs/numbers/logic, and trying to "win the argument") were ineffective at best and counterproductive at worst. We have a great section of threads on managing conflict that could be helpful in turning down the temperature in your home. Getting educated about BPD has helped me understand the reality that it is a serious and impairing mental illness, and me doubling down on how I wanted to approach conflict was not helping at all, and was making things worse.

For folks here on the "Bettering a Relationship" board, a new approach that can be helpful (that doesn't require the partner's cooperation!) is to Stop Invalidating Others. If I could only recommend one tool to members, this would be it. And it's important in all relationships, too (parenting, for example), not just BPD relationships.

Take a look at some of those links and, when you have a moment, let us know what stood out to you, or seemed do-able, or resonated with your situation.

We'll be here;

kells76