Trying to enforce a boundary and I’m second guessing myself

[HowdIgethere]

Hello everyone,
I am new to the community and this is my first post. I’m thankful to have such a resource so thank you for being here and for your time.
I am in a 18 year relationship with a semi-diagnosed BPD person.(His therapist doesn’t believe in labeling patients, but I have zero doubt he has BPD). I learned of this about a year ago. He plans to be evaluated by a DBT psychologist in a couple of weeks. His mental health has greatly declined starting about 4 years ago. I am navigating emotional abuse with my own therapist and by a lot of reading. I moved out of the house 6 months ago because the violent incidence were becoming more and more frequent. I didn’t feel safe. I’m doing what I can to try to save what’s left of our relationship knowing I can’t do it alone..

I have learned that I need to set distinct boundaries so he knows what to expect when he doesn’t something I feel is unacceptable.I have learned that these boundaries cannot be intermittent or he’ll take advantage. I have been clear that yelling at me when he is mad or frustrated is absolutely not okay. I let him know that if he does it that I will hang up the phone or leave. I will give him the opportunity to calm down and he is welcome to contact me when he is ready to talk without yelling or being mean. I will not contact him since he is the one who is emotionally dysregulated and abusive. He said he understood and agreed. I have enforced this boundary twice and he carried out as agreed. The last two times he contacted me within about 24 hours.

Here we are on the third go around of this. It has been 48 hours and I haven’t heard from him. I keep replaying the scenario again and again wondering if I could have done anything differently. The boundary is simple. I will not tolerate being yelled at or him punching walls or throwing things. As soon as he yelled, I stood up from the table to gather my things to leave. I calmly said “Do you feel you can continue calmly?” and he said “You’re talking down to me like a child. You’re being rude.” I repeated myself. He said “Please stop talking, please stop talking, please stop talking.” I left. Here we are.

Any advice and/or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HowdIgethere]

Hello everyone,
I am new to the community and this is my first post. I’m thankful to have such a resource so thank you for being here and for your time.
I am in a 18 year relationship with a semi-diagnosed BPD person.(His therapist doesn’t believe in labeling patients, but I have zero doubt he has BPD). I learned of this about a year ago. He plans to be evaluated by a DBT psychologist in a couple of weeks. His mental health has greatly declined starting about 4 years ago. I am navigating emotional abuse with my own therapist and by a lot of reading. I moved out of the house 6 months ago because the violent incidence were becoming more and more frequent. I didn’t feel safe. I’m doing what I can to try to save what’s left of our relationship knowing I can’t do it alone..

I have learned that I need to set distinct boundaries so he knows what to expect when he does something I feel is unacceptable.I have learned that these boundaries cannot be intermittent or he’ll take advantage. I have been clear that yelling at me when he is mad or frustrated is absolutely not okay. I let him know that if he does it that I will hang up the phone or leave. I will give him the opportunity to calm down and he is welcome to contact me when he is ready to talk without yelling or being mean. I will not contact him since he is the one who is emotionally dysregulated and abusive. He said he understood and agreed. I have enforced this boundary twice and he carried out as agreed. The last two times he contacted me within about 24 hours.

Here we are on the third go around of this. It has been 48 hours and I haven’t heard from him. I keep replaying the scenario again and again wondering if I could have done anything differently. The boundary is simple. I will not tolerate being yelled at or him punching walls or throwing things. As soon as he yelled, I stood up from the table to gather my things to leave. I calmly said “Do you feel you can continue calmly?” and he said “You’re talking down to me like a child. You’re being rude.” I repeated myself. He said “Please stop talking, please stop talking, please stop talking.” I left. Here we are.

Any advice and/or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

[CC43]

As soon as he yelled, I stood up from the table to gather my things to leave. I calmly said “Do you feel you can continue calmly?” and he said “You’re talking down to me like a child. You’re being rude.” I repeated myself. He said “Please stop talking, please stop talking, please stop talking.” I left. Here we are.

Hi there,
It sounds like you have a good grasp of boundaries.  I'd add that your partner's words are likely projections.  He might feel childish and insecure, and he interprets the world through that lens.  Does he accuse you of being condescending and superior?  That would be a clue that he's feeling very insecure.  Does he need constant reassurance about his accomplishments, his social standing and his relationship with you?  That's very typical for BPD.

My advice is that when he throws a tantrum, he needs an adult time out, time and space to cool off.  Try not to interrupt it.  Let him resume communication with you when he's ready.  If he continues yelling at you, he needs a longer time out in my opinion.  You can hold your boundary and ensure not to engage with him when he's acting abusively towards you.  In a way, you're teaching him how you want to be treated.  I know it's really hard, it's not fun being yelled at.  It's not your fault, it's BPD.

[HowdIgethere]

Does he accuse you of being condescending and superior?  That would be a clue that he's feeling very insecure.  Does he need constant reassurance about his accomplishments, his social standing and his relationship with you?  That's very typical for BPD.

Thank you for your response. He definitely says I’m condescending and says that I feel that I’m better than him. Yes to the reassurance about his accomplishments. When I was first realizing something was really wrong, he would have a temper tantrum and scream at me and then go to bed for the night. He would then say I must not love him and that I’m cold because I didn’t cuddle him or rub his back when he was feeling bad the next morning. Mind you, he never apologized. The worst part is that I feel for it more than once feeling that maybe I was being cold and heartless. He was in so much pain, I should coddle him. So I did and I thought of ways I could show him I love him more. So, yes to all of the above. I appreciate your insight. Thank you so much.

[HowdIgethere]

Does he accuse you of being condescending and superior?  That would be a clue that he's feeling very insecure.  Does he need constant reassurance about his accomplishments, his social standing and his relationship with you?  That's very typical for BPD.

Thank you for your response. He definitely says I’m condescending and says that I feel that I’m better than him. Yes to the reassurance about his accomplishments. When I was first realizing something was really wrong, he would have a temper tantrum and scream at me and then go to bed for the night. He would then say I must not love him and that I’m cold because I didn’t cuddle him or rub his back when he was feeling bad the next morning. Mind you, he never apologized. The worst part is that I fell for it more than once feeling that maybe I was being cold and heartless. He was in so much pain, I should coddle him. So I did and I thought of ways I could show him I love him more. So, yes to all of the above. I appreciate your insight. Thank you so much.

[cynp]

Something I've learned. When they are dys-regulated nothing you try to do to calm them will be right. I have been attacked for being cold and heartless for not hugging them when they are haveing and episode, and also for trying to hug them--because that just shows how clueless I am, that I must think hugs can solve their terrible problems. Sometimes both have happened during the same rage incident.

[hiiumaa]

Hi HowdIgethere,

I can confirm cynp‘s words. It‘s the same in my experience.

My partner and I even agreed on a „sign“ that we wanted to use if one of us feels, that a communication goes wrong. It was just an emoji. When we were sending each other text messages we just should send the agreed emoji as a sign that the one who has sent it needs a timeout. In person it was just saying: „xy-emoji“ to make clear that one feels hurt or triggered and needs timeout.

I did not work.

HE was that one you told me over and over, that a couple has to solve a problem together in a loving way and talk about it.

But in the end he was the one who forgot any agreement in rage - shouting, Devaluation, insults …And when I set my boundary ( sorry, xy, the agreed sign doesn‘t reach you. As long as you are in this mood we can‘t talk. Please try to calm down or I have to leave until you are able to talk calmly.),he later explained to me, that my „boundary“ and walking away would be controlling behaviour and not solving a conflict lovingly.
He called it „your one way decision caused by your childhood damage“ and said, I could always talk to him because HE wants a loving solution ( shouting? throwing things at me? ) I would be the one who is not able to talk.