Is it too late?

[LostinColombia]

New to the site... first post....

My fiance has  BPD.    And I have trust and insecurity issues.  We have been together for 2 years and it has been turbulent. 

I know her history and she has a history of abandonment.  I love her more than anything, but I only realized now that she has BPD.

I am committed to her.   But during conflicts, I would threaten to leave... I would never leave, because I love her and her daughter too much.    But for two years, that was my go-to response to her bad behaviors.

I now realize that her bad behaviors were driven by BPD... and my responses where the worst thing I could possible do.

We ended our two year relationship a week ago... and after a week, we decided to try again.

The restart has been tough... and I could not understand why.   But then I learned of her BPD.

Is it too late?   How do I fix it with her? 

There are so many things I want to air out... but I have no one to talk to.

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position but you'll be happy to hear that it's not too late.  I was married to my BPD ex-wife for 24 years and if we had known about her condition, it could have turned out very differently.  The big thing is a change in communication and that's what you'll learn about here.

For your main question- how do you fix it?

Think of the movie series Fast & Furious, Star Wars, Harry Potter, or Twilight.  What's the one thing the leading cast has in common between the franchises?  The answer is that they're family, and it's spoken time after time that your problem is my problem.  You're never alone and we're going to do this together.

For your fiancée, who has a huge fear of abandonment (which is also why she abandons), being able to work through conflict with an "I'm always here for you" attitude makes all the difference.  BPDs always have a person or two that they trust completely, and they'd do anything to protect those people...just like in Star Wars or Twilight. 

But what gets in the way is when you argue, act dismissive, etc...and it doesn't have to be anything huge.  It could be a number of small things that build up over time, that stays with her and convinces her that you just don't care anymore.  That comes from disordered thinking and something small can feel like a mountain.

How do you combat that?  Be Van Diesel in the Fast & Furious, nobody messes with your family and you'll do absolutely anything for them.  Get that message across early and often- I love you and I'm here for you no matter what.

The other half of that is emotional intelligence, knowing when your partner is suddenly exploding, it's because she feels broken and empty inside.  The words coming out are frustration and they're probably jaded and unfair.  Don't focus on the words, focus on the emotions and the feelings driving them.  If she's sad, comfort her.  If she's enraged, calm her down and make it clear that you don't want to argue, that you're there for her.

It also means side-stepping a lot of ridiculous arguments about nothing as well.  Don't take the bait, be wise and calm like Yoda.

That feels like a good start.  Please continue to ask questions- you said you have a lot and that's what we're here for.  Ask away and the family will help as much as possible.