how to reverse partner(or ex) splitting

[Depression = 72% of members]

dear all, i'm a newcomer in your forum. i'm from another country, so please forgive me if I write incorrectly.
I'm 45 years old, separated for 3 years, and after much struggle due to ending my 15-year marriage due to disagreements that could no longer be resolved, I accidentally meet a woman I had only superficially known as a boy.

She's still as beautiful as I remembered, separated with one child. Little by little, since our children play together on the basketball team, we happen to have moments together, maybe even going out to eat after the games all together.From this point on, I began to see her with deep love. She was gorgeous in every move she made and was full of tenderness towards me. She listened to everything about my life, my difficulties, and seemed interested in everything. Meanwhile, she told me about everything she'd faced, including abusive ex-partners and those who had hurt her. Just a few days after these words, we made love, and I truly think it was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

So, since March, three wonderful months, where she was already talking about living together, because I was the person she had never met in her life. She talked about me to her family, called me at all hours of the day, came to visit me whenever she could, even for a few minutes. She liked everything about me, even any shirt I wore. Weekends at the beach, or whatever, every now and then some difficult moments because she told me she suffered from depression at times. So I didn't understand, but I tried to be there for her if she let me when she locked herself on the couch at home.

Some sudden emotional coldness, or something similar, but she told me to leave me alone for a while and it'll pass on its own.
In the meantime, I find her ex-husband, whom I've known for years, and I happily tell him everything. He's happily remarried, but she tells me to be careful: he ended the relationship because she was difficult and had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by two psychologists.
I don't pay much attention to it; I think things said by exes can sometimes be too harsh.

In mid-June, one evening, she was sleeping at my place.
That day, we had been very happy, and she had written to me that she had never loved anyone like me and that she would have liked me to be the father of her child. She had also invited me on vacation with her and our children, a week at the seaside. (I booked right away, completely in love).
That night, she woke up from a nightmare. I saw a very strange look in her eyes and I didn't understand. She told me she had dreamed of an ex of hers, who she now calls a stalker. From that day on, the phone calls became rare, and we never seemed to get together. After three weeks, I stopped her and told her she needed to explain something to me, thus putting her under a bit of pressure. She told me it was as if she didn't feel anything, as if all her emotions had been blocked. I tried to reassure her, but nothing. She told me it was as if she were turned off. As the days went by, I felt she was increasingly distant. I asked her if she still wanted to go on vacation with me. She confirmed, saying it would be good for her. It became the most terrifying week of my life.
She doesn't let me get close, only for a few moments, but very rarely. She tells me she doesn't know what she feels, but it's definitely not love. She spends the whole week saying she's having a hard time with any physical problem. She doesn't feel the need to make love, or be close to me. I tell her I'm not happy like this, but she seizes the opportunity, telling me she feels oppressed and has obligations she doesn't want. She can't be with anyone. I'm sorry.

It's only been a few days, we flew back, and she hasn't even looked at me for hours. Since then, I've texted her, tried calling her, but I haven't even seen her messages. I can't find peace, only a few days, but I'm lost. I'm in love with her, but I keep wondering what I can do to bring her back.

It's like I've become her worst enemy.

Is it like she pushed me away as soon as she felt she loved me like she said?

I'm desperate, I absolutely don't know how to behave so as not to lose her completely.

Thanks to anyone who would read this.

[teo79]

dear all, i'm a newcomer in your forum. i'm from another country, so please forgive me if I write incorrectly.
I'm 45 years old, separated for 3 years, and after much struggle due to ending my 15-year marriage due to disagreements that could no longer be resolved, I accidentally meet a woman I had only superficially known as a boy.

She's still as beautiful as I remembered, separated with one child. Little by little, since our children play together on the basketball team, we happen to have moments together, maybe even going out to eat after the games all together.From this point on, I began to see her with deep love. She was gorgeous in every move she made and was full of tenderness towards me. She listened to everything about my life, my difficulties, and seemed interested in everything. Meanwhile, she told me about everything she'd faced, including abusive ex-partners and those who had hurt her. Just a few days after these words, we made love, and I truly think it was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced.

So, since March, three wonderful months, where she was already talking about living together, because I was the person she had never met in her life. She talked about me to her family, called me at all hours of the day, came to visit me whenever she could, even for a few minutes. She liked everything about me, even any shirt I wore. Weekends at the beach, or whatever, every now and then some difficult moments because she told me she suffered from depression at times. So I didn't understand, but I tried to be there for her if she let me when she locked herself on the couch at home.

Some sudden emotional coldness, or something similar, but she told me to leave me alone for a while and it'll pass on its own.
In the meantime, I find her ex-husband, whom I've known for years, and I happily tell him everything. He's happily remarried, but she tells me to be careful: he ended the relationship because she was difficult and had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by two psychologists.
I don't pay much attention to it; I think things said by exes can sometimes be too harsh.

In mid-June, one evening, she was sleeping at my place.
That day, we had been very happy, and she had written to me that she had never loved anyone like me and that she would have liked me to be the father of her child. She had also invited me on vacation with her and our children, a week at the seaside. (I booked right away, completely in love).
That night, she woke up from a nightmare. I saw a very strange look in her eyes and I didn't understand. She told me she had dreamed of an ex of hers, who she now calls a stalker. From that day on, the phone calls became rare, and we never seemed to get together. After three weeks, I stopped her and told her she needed to explain something to me, thus putting her under a bit of pressure. She told me it was as if she didn't feel anything, as if all her emotions had been blocked. I tried to reassure her, but nothing. She told me it was as if she were turned off. As the days went by, I felt she was increasingly distant. I asked her if she still wanted to go on vacation with me. She confirmed, saying it would be good for her. It became the most terrifying week of my life.
She doesn't let me get close, only for a few moments, but very rarely. She tells me she doesn't know what she feels, but it's definitely not love. She spends the whole week saying she's having a hard time with any physical problem. She doesn't feel the need to make love, or be close to me. I tell her I'm not happy like this, but she seizes the opportunity, telling me she feels oppressed and has obligations she doesn't want. She can't be with anyone. I'm sorry.

It's only been a few days, we flew back, and she hasn't even looked at me for hours. Since then, I've texted her, tried calling her, but I haven't even seen her messages. I can't find peace, only a few days, but I'm lost. I'm in love with her, but I keep wondering what I can do to bring her back.

It's like I've become her worst enemy.

Is it like she pushed me away as soon as she felt she loved me like she said?

I'm desperate, I absolutely don't know how to behave so as not to lose her completely.

Thanks to anyone who would read this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome.  You will find good peer support here, also many fine tools and communication skills.  We've "been there, experienced that".

I'm desperate, I absolutely don't know how to behave so as not to lose her completely.

My friend, I'll be honest, it's likely you never truly had her, even before the splitting.

Meanwhile, she told me about everything she'd faced, including abusive ex-partners and those who had hurt her...

In the meantime, I find her ex-husband, whom I've known for years, and I happily tell him everything. He's happily remarried, but she tells me to be careful: he ended the relationship because she was difficult and had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder by two psychologists.

One common thread with many who have BPD is that they consistently say their prior relationships were all abusive.  That is the Blaming or Blame Shifting trait.  No one wants to admit blame, not even normal people, but it's an abnormally strong trait in persons with BPD traits.

For her to improve with her relationships would require her to deal with her issues.  You can't do it for her.  She would need to diligently apply long term therapy, perhaps for years, to recover sufficiently to be able to have successful relationships.

However, what is in your power to do is to work on your own recovery.  And recovery is a process, not an event.

[teo79]

Thank you for your kind replies.
I'm very sad these days, and even though I'm struggling with rationality and studying everything this situation entails, I can't find happiness.

I'd like to know, based on your experience, if at this point, where she's completely disappeared for days, where she doesn't even read a few WhatsApp messages, what I should do to avoid creating further distance.

Should I reach out to her and try to ask for some closeness, or should I respect her wishes and stay away?

I really don't know how to behave. My heart makes me run to find her, but I'm afraid of pushing her away even further.

Thank you so much.

[Under The Bridge]

I sympathise totally; it's very upsetting when the first split happens.. but sadly it is inevitable when a partner has BPD, it always plays out with the same script and everyone here has experienced it.

You need to realise that, without her accepting she has problems and seeking professional help, then this will keep happening, assuming she returns. It's a repeating cycle that wears you down both physically and mentally.

As ForeverDad has said, you should definitely heed the warning of her ex-husband as in the future you will be added to her list of 'previous partners who didn't her right', even if you were the most caring and loving person in reality. BPD's are always the victim in their own distorted thinking and everyone else is the problem, never them.

Wish I could be more positive but BPD follows a recurring script and is never just a case of "sort things out and it won't happen again'. It becomes up to us how much we're prepared to endure to continue the relationship.

By all means send her a brief message to say you're thinking of her - and we all hope she responds positively - but don't build up your hopes and set yourself up for more disappointment.

Best wishes

[teo79]

Thanks for the helpful words.
I've been sending her a couple of messages for a few days now, saying I love her and miss her, but she doesn't even see them.

I keep dreaming about her, and it feels like torture.

I ask myself every second what I could have done to avoid this, and where I should have been different. But honestly, aside from telling her normally that I was a little tired of her behavior over the last few weeks, I haven't done anything. I told her I needed her like before, her affection... but she told me several times that she no longer felt emotions; she tried hard, but she didn't feel anything for anyone.

I'd like to run to her, ring the doorbell, and hug her, but I'm afraid that doing so will only make the situation worse.

It's like I'm suspended and can't think of anything else.

I've been seeing a psychologist for a year to understand that I can't earn love, but it's either there or it's not.

I think those of you who have been through this before can understand.

I feel like you'll never come back, and in fact, she's completely erased me from her every thought. I search the web a lot, hoping to find an answer that says, "Just stay still and she'll understand and come back to you."

I'm scared when I read that maybe they want to make me chase her, and if I don't, she'll confirm that I'm not interested enough. But if I do, it's like I don't exist anymore.

I'm a little desperate. I wish I had an instruction manual. I really don't know what to do.

Thanks

[ForeverDad]

Ask your psychologist about the typical Borderline initial idealization phase.  You're put on a pedestal, idolized but eventually reality seeps in and the "new and exciting and being rescued" feelings dissipate.  Is this a better way to explain it?

It's not your fault, likely it would have happened no matter what you did or didn't do.  Is there a chance she might come back?  Yes, but will her current hiatus have resolved her deeper issues?  Likely not.  If she does return, can you handle an on-again, off-again relationship, should  that turn out to be her pattern?

[teo79]

Thank you, ForeverDad. After reading and studying everywhere, I'm aware of what happens in these disorders, just as I'm realistic in thinking that I need to work on myself again and again.

I'm short of breath these days, because it's hard to know what I should do.

Stay away from her, waiting for her to see things differently? Force my will to be there for her?

I'm trying to figure out what to do, hoping it's the best thing for everyone, even knowing it's a pattern that could recur over and over again.

I fear that if I push her now by seeking her out or trying to talk to her, I'd do worse than staying put, hoping she'll reappear.

Thank you.

[ForeverDad]

Men have a much more difficult time with legal concerns.  If you are the least bit forceful (or even if you aren't) she could file harassment charges against you.  Believe me, in my country harassment charges are taken extremely seriously.

I faced an harassment claim while I was separated but before I had filed for divorce.  What had triggered her overreaction?  It was the most important evening of the year for our congregation and I had attended, sitting on the right side.  She happened to be sitting on the left side with our preschooler.  At some point she noticed me and rushed him out in the middle of the services.  Apparently she called police but I don't think they did anything.

Then a few days later I got served notice she had filed an harassment claim.  My lawyer said, despite it being only her feeling harassed, it was so serious that I could have had a 5 year restraining order placed on me.

I hadn't even spoken to her and look what happened to me.  That's why I cautioned you above that men have a greater risk of facing legal consequences - such as DV, abuse and harassment claims - than women face.

Odds are that this won't happen to you.  (I was in the middle of a very contentious custody & parenting dispute that went on for years.)  But it could.  That's why caution is advised and it may be best to allow her time to work out her own issues first.

[teo79]

Good morning everyone, thanks for the replies.
Obviously, I wouldn't even dare make a phone call if I thought she might violate some social boundary.

A week has passed, and she hasn't even read the messages I sent days ago; it's as if she just disappeared from my life.

I don't even exist anymore.

I've listened to videos about breakups with these people, and I was surprised to hear that it's actually better not to be in contact, so as to help their emotional stabilization process. If I did otherwise, I'd only have the opposite effect, pushing her further and further away.

Right now, I'm just afraid that since I'm not even present with words, she might forget me completely, which she probably already did the moment she said goodbye without even looking me in the eye a week ago.

Is it normal to keep dreaming about her and thinking about her all night? I've been desperate today, ever since I opened my eyes.

Thank you

[ForeverDad]

Have you researched the psychological impact of object constancy?

Here is a brief except from one of PsychCentral's articles:

"Understanding Object Constancy in Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissism"

What is object constancy?

Object constancy is the ability to retain a bond with another person — even if you find yourself upset, angry, or disappointed by their actions...

https://psychcentral.com/disorders/borderline-personality-disorder/object-constancy-understanding-the-fear-of-abandonment-and-borderline-personality-disorder

With your ex, it may be a matter of "out of sight, out of mind".  A personal bond is such a basic concept yet without that bond it would be a huge hurdle for any relationship to be normal and successful long term.