Does my sister have BPD? And how do I manage?

[Hedgehogslob]

Hello,

I came across this site whilst googling my sister’s behaviours and thought it seemed like a helpful community. My sister and I are fraternal twins, I’m in the UK and she now lives in Australia and has done for 15 years. I’ll try to be concise, so please note there are decades of nuance I won’t be able to fit in.

My question:
Does my sister sound like she is displaying BPD behaviours, and how do I manage them/even maintain a relationship with her?

TL;DR
My twin sister twists everything I say and do to paint me as an awful human being, and I feel so confused and overwhelmed. Her perception of me is so far from reality and there’s nothing I can do to make her see I’m not the monster she thinks I am. Help!

A lot of background:
Growing up, we weren’t especially close as children or teenagers, had different friend groups and interests but generally got on ok. We got on better and became a lot closer when we both moved out to go to university in different places. There were times when we didn’t speak as often, especially after she moved to Aus, but we never argued or fell out.

Throughout her teenage years, she suffered from bulimia, which made her relationship with our dad very difficult, and somewhat so with our older brother too. She was closer with our mum, I was very much a “daddy’s girl” and got on well with our brother too. I know I was my dad’s favourite, and she says he told her that. When we were around 16 she found out my mum was having an affair and kept it secret until I found out accidentally on our 18th birthday. I was book smart and did well in school, she was more creative. Our school was the type of school that rewarded academic prowess and didn’t nuttier the creative side as much. Both of us did sporty things but neither of us was excellent or regularly on school teams.

Fast forward to 2023:
I was living with a new partner (now my husband), she was single (having moved to Australia with a partner who became her husband, who she since divorced, and having had a couple of relationships that ended badly). We would talk every couple of weeks on the phone, and our relationship was such that she would mostly talk about herself, seeking advice, reassurance and support (which is generally what our whole relationship has been like), and after 60-90 minutes chatting she’d ask me something about my life, but suddenly get distracted and disinterested as soon as I started talking. She only really used to let me talk when something PLEASE READty was happening in my life (like the breakdown of a prior relationship). I also had some frustrations with our dad, and we would talk about him a lot, which was when she told me lots of things he’d done to her, which immediately made me very protective of her and seriously damaged my relationship with him.

Later, I was going through a tough time (MIL diagnosed with terminal cancer, she then passed away very soon afterwards, redundancies at work and a job loss), and my sister did a couple of things that were pretty poor behaviour. For the first time in my life I called her out on it, and we ended up having a blazing row (the first of our entire lives). I did own my actions and apologise for how I’d approached my grievances (important to note I never swore at her nor called her names, I just said she hadn’t been a nice person), but she hauled me over the coals demanding I seek psychological help to understand the root cause of my behaviour. We got to a tentative truce after I had grovelled sufficiently, but when I asked her to take accountability for her actions she got really angry with me again and said I was moving the goalposts. This resulted in me saying that I accept her views, but if she was unable to do what I ask of her, I would have to disengage from the relationship for my own wellbeing. This was April 2023. I left the door open, essentially giving her the choice to either acknowledge the hurt she’d caused me, and we could move forwards, or else I would need to disengage. She chose not to acknowledge her behaviours.

Later that year she sent me a voice note saying she was thinking of me when she’d heard (presumably via our mum) that I was having a tough time job hunting. She then texted me happy birthday. I got engaged in December, texted her to let her know and she sent me a congratulatory message back. A month later I texted her the rough plans to give her a heads up as it’s tough to plan a trip back to the UK from Aus, to which she replied kindly. And after that I got radio silence. I sent our official wedding invite and got nothing back. There was a multi stabbing incident where she lives in Aus and I messaged to ask if she and her loved ones were ok, nothing back. I texted her happy birthday, nothing back.

Fast forward to 2024:
She then came back to the UK last year for a visit, refused to reach out to me to plan to see me saying (to the rest of our family) I was the one who ended our relationship so it was up to me to make plans. She had previously told me she hated our dad and brother and would never speak to them again, yet made plans to see them and I later found out had been lying about me and twisting all the things I’d said to her when I was trying to make up after our argument. These were things such as I had suggested we use a mediator or joint therapy sessions to help us navigate our fall out, she then told our dad I was refusing to see her without my therapist present (I don’t have a therapist). She told my brother that my now husband and I didn’t want her at our wedding, when in reality I had said I’d love her to come but if it would be too difficult for her, I totally understand. Various things like that.

2025:
Fast forward to yesterday, I had texted her about a month ago to wish her happy birthday, and she replied saying I was to stop texting her because my messages are received as “self-serving and cruel”, and that by ending our relationship I am no longer allowed to share my news, enquire about her wellbeing nor wish her a happy birthday. She ended the message by saying “you’ve made your bed”. This feels like it came out of nowhere, and is so far from the truth. I have been trying to keep the door open and show her I still care. Her perception of me is so far removed from reality. I’ve questioned myself and asked my husband and friends for honest feedback because I was worried I am the arsehole. I’ve been very open and honest with them about what was said between my sister and I, showing them full email and text exchanges, and they assure me I’ve not been unreasonable or mean.

I guess my question is - what the hell is going on? I am so confused. I feel now that I can’t do or say anything without it being deliberately misconstrued and twisted, and used as confirmation bias for her to prove to herself I’m a monster. I won’t text her back so I guess our relationship is over, but is there anything I can do to resolve this?

If you’ve read this far - thank you so much! Even if nobody has, it’s been very cathartic to write it all out, so thank you for providing the space for me to do so!

[Hedgehogslob]

Typo fix:
Our school was the type of school that rewarded academic prowess and didn’t nuttier nurture the creative side as much

[Hedgehogslob]

Sorry, used a word that isn’t offensive in the UK but looks like it is in the US:
She only really used to let me talk when something PLEASE READty bad was happening in my life (like the breakdown of a prior relationship).

[Hedgehogslob]

I also had some frustrations with our dad, and we would talk about him a lot, which was when she told me lots of things he’d done to her, which immediately made me very protective of her and seriously damaged my relationship with him.

Based on her lies about me, I now have doubts these things are true.

[wantmorepeace]

Sounds like it to me!!

If you can, find a therapist who specializes in this disorder and knows Dialectical Behavioral Therapy.   Family support groups are great too.

Keep writing in and reading here.

Be very good to yourself.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Indeed, the push-pull, periods of estrangement, misplaced blaming, victim attitude and twisting of the truth sound like some BPD traits.  The big question mark in my mind though is that you and your sister seem to have gotten along well enough as teenagers and through university.  After reading these boards, it seems to me that BPD behaviors tend to emerge in the teens or sometimes earlier, while they usually manifest in earnest by early adulthood, resulting in a well-trodden trail of fractured relationships, self-sabotage and dysfunction in life.  My opinion is that leaving (aka abandoning) home for college,  dealing with complex peer relationships and having to figure out one's place in the world can really bring out the dysfunctional BPD behaviors.  In addition, whereas some level of drama can seem "normal" as a teen, the over-the-top dramatics seem childish, bizarre and inexplicable as an adult.  In reading your post, I'm struck that the BPD behaviors seem at first glance to emerge somewhat later.  I can't help but wonder is something else is going on, or maybe your sister experienced some sort of trauma that triggered her.

Now, if you ask me, I'd say a lot of people will talk about themselves on the phone for an hour and barely let you get a word in edgewise.  They might be really lonely, or lack self-awareness.  I have a family member who talks like that.  Like your sister, she seems only to be interested in me if there's "drama" or strife involved--then she's all ears.  Typically she'll get riled up by my difficulties, but she'll twist things and make them seem worse than they actually are, because her aura is more negative than mine is.  You see, I think she enjoys hearing about other people's difficulties, because it makes her feel better about her own somewhat dysfunctional life.  She wouldn't necessarily have a personality disorder to act this way.  My interpretation is that misery doesn't like company, misery likes MISERABLE company.  She's a talker, and she likes to rehash negative scenarios over and over again, replaying them in detail in her mind, whereas I'm different, I don't like to dwell for too long on things I can't control.  When I talk to her, often I find myself saying, "This topic is stressing me out, let's talk about something else or I'm hanging up."  And if she persists after one or two more warnings, I'll say, "Bye, talk to you later."

You may never know if your sister has BPD or not.  On this site you'll find all sorts of tips and advice about how to handle pwBPD, but even if they don't have BPD, the tips can be very helpful!  Examples are like the one I just hinted at, i.e. establishing healthy boundaries.  One of my boundaries is, if a conversation is getting too tense or negative, and it isn't going anywhere but in circles, I find an excuse to exit it, without blaming anybody.  I might say exactly that: " This conversation isn't going anywhere, let's talk about something else."  If they refuse to talk about something else, I'll say, "Bye, I'll call you later."  Another boundary is, if someone sends me a mean text that's not even true, I treat it like Spam, because it is Spam.  I'll only text back if the text is civil.  Dignifying a mean text with a response probably only prolongs the barrage of nonsense.

My read is that your sister is probably feeling very insecure right now, and she's struggling.  She's taking her frustrations out on you.  I bet she's projecting her own stress and insecurities onto you.  She might be extremely jealous of you, too.  Maybe she felt she had to travel half way around the world to avoid comparing herself to you, but whenever there's a joyful event, such as a wedding, she breaks down.

All my best to you.

[ForeverDad]

She had previously told me she hated our dad and brother and would never speak to them again, yet made plans to see them and I later found out had been lying about me and twisting all the things I’d said to her when I was trying to make up after our argument...

I have been trying to keep the door open and show her I still care. Her perception of me is so far removed from reality. I’ve questioned myself and asked my husband and friends for honest feedback because I was worried I am the arsehole. I’ve been very open and honest with them about what was said between my sister and I, showing them full email and text exchanges, and they assure me I’ve not been unreasonable or mean.

Many new arrivals here ask, "Am I the one who's acting crazy?"  My general response is, No, if you're aware enough and honest enough to question yourself, you're probably a reasonably normal person... a reasonably normal person dealing with one who isn't normal.  Sometimes the other being consistently inconsistent and predictably unpredictable in behavior is a telling feature of questionable mental health.  Too many of the claims, perceptions and poor behaviors don't make common sense.

I guess my question is - what the hell is going on? I am so confused. I feel now that I can’t do or say anything without it being deliberately misconstrued and twisted, and used as confirmation bias for her to prove to herself I’m a monster.

Have you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle (victim, persecutor, rescuer)?  Your sister seems to have phrased herself as the victim and, depending on her scenarios, you were earlier her rescuer and now her prosecutor.

Just asking out of curiosity, if you wish to answer... Are you identical or fraternal twins?  She sounds so unlike you that I'm inclined to lean toward fraternal twins.