hiiumaa
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up/unclear
Posts: 2
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« on: August 28, 2025, 01:09:32 PM » |
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Hi there! I`m reading on this board for about three years now...
I started to read here, when I realized, that the man I dated was bpd for sure and always lived in the irrational hope, that I would be able to stay in the relationship forever and I would save him. MY story with him would never end how all these stories I have read here.
We have been together the last three years. The first two years I was really co-dependent, although my best friend ( she is bpd herself - in therapy for almost twenty years now ) warned me quite soon after I met him and said: "Be careful. I`m absolutely sure he is bpd. I remember myself how horrible I was as long as I was not treatened. Take care of yourself. He is 50 years old, never seen a therapist - he is quite dangerous for your emotional health." I learned a lot from her about bpd - and honestly - over the last years I read any book I could get about bpd and I listend to any video you can find online. I thought, I was prepared. I thought, I had understood everything... and I also realized, that he is also ndp - what was diagnosed later on officially ( but more later ).
Nevertheless I needed two years until I was really able to set boundaries and free myself step by step from the extrem co-dependency I was in with him.
The moment when I`ve set my first boundary, was the moment when the break up started.
But from the beginning of the story:
When we met, I realized very early that he has issues with alcohol abuse. A few weeks after meeting him, I found him one day on a bench in the middle of the city - totally drunk. Later he told me, that he lost his job and his elderly parents are very ill and he is so lonely in the world - he couldn`t take it anymore. But he is back, now he will find a new job, move to another city and start a new life. Everything will be fine soon.
I trusted him. He told me stories about the traumas he had experienced in life, the horrible exes he had, all the bad persons that abused him, the company that made him loose his job - even when he was the best worker of all. He told me about the unfair life that didn`t allow him to become a father. He was always caring and loving and all his exes wanted just sex. None of them was ready to marry him and have kids with him.
I was full of empathy for him and his story. My heart was full of compassion. I wanted to be there for this lonely sould. Save him. Be his best friend and partner - and - who knows? - marry him. For kids I felt to old already and didn`t want a second birth after I almost died giving my first child birth - and I told him that from the beginning.
For a few weeks he pretended to be the most caring and loving man, understanding my complex posttraumatic stress disorder and wanting to be my soulmate. It was intense and felt like magic.
Suddenly he disappeared. No reply to my messages, no loving e-mails anymore, no personal meetings. I was confused.
After four weeks again I found him drunk on a bench.
To make a long story as short as possible: He moved 50 miles away to the other city a few month after our first date. He didn`t get a job there and didn`t find friends there. We had a relationship on the distance for almost three years. In that time he had about 6 weeks of "functioning". It was almost like a bipolar circle: 6 weeks euphoric behaviour ( "now I`m working hard to get a job! now I stop drinking!" ) with working on applications for about 20 hours a day, doing sports in extreme, meeting me and having a quite good time - and then - suddenly - falling in a deep hole. Suddenly he was tired. Suddenly he attacked me out of nowhere. Gaslighting, devaluation, putting all guilt on me for whatever, insulting me with horrible names - and the next day starting to drink again for a week. Heavy drinking. Dropping everything. He drank until he collapsed. After a week he made a withdraw himself at home, and the circle started from the beginning.
After a really bad drinking episode he came to me to ask me for help. He really wanted to stop and wanted to go to a doctor. He was in therapy for almost a year including five weeks of addiction-clinic. He therapist told him that there is a strong indication for vulnerable npd that has a bpd-core that comes out now because of the emotional crisis. He left the therapist ( you don`t want to know what words he used to call him names... ). The next therapist told him that he has a emotions regulation disorder. He left the therapist. Since then he is without therapy and is drinking again all 6 weeks.
Two month ago he moved back here. My best friend ( the bpd-one I mentioned in the beginning ) had a little flat to rent - and he took it for financial reasons. At first I thought, that this is perfect. He is close to me. My best friend is experienced in bpd-therapy. He would be in a stable situation with two people around him who can help. But then I realized, that my best friend was falling into my back. She knew all about my relationship with him. She knew, that I was trying to set boundaries. For example, when he was in rage and anger again and was insulting me, I told him, that I`m gone until he is calm again. And because sometimes that needed a week or two until he came back, he had no support in that weeks. Not from me. But because in his drinking phases he caused a lot of trouble ( losing his phone, not coming to official appointments etc ), he always needed me to rescue him... But with setting my boundaries I left him alone with his problems. This is, what I thought. What he did was: Contacting my best friend to ask for support. She always told me, that she will help him out - and one day - in a good moment - she will tell him, that his behaviour is not okay. I accepted that, but didn`t feel good.
In the end, she arranged everything for him for the move. She also went shopping with him for the flat. Made promises that she will paint the walls with him and more. The day he moved in the flat in her house, I was there to help him move in for hours. When I left in the evening we were both totally tired, and I thought, I`ll go home now, and we will chat by messanger and enjoy the feeling that we are living so close again and see each other the next day. In the morning I heard, that had the first evening together with her - with the woman I thought is my best friend. There was no s.e.x., but it was the emotinal betrayal, that destroyed me. They had a meal together and went in the pub all night. And he asked her to not tell me about that.
I told both of them how much I was hurt and confused and that I really didn`t like that. Both of them told me, that they understand my feelings... but it`s my problem when I`m so jealous. They are just good friends. Enjoying the first evening together.
I tried to explain my feelings about that a few times. My partner didn`t reply anymore. My best friend got angry and started to attack me verbally.
After four weeks with no reply I told my partner, that I don`t want contact anymore. And the same to my best friend.
She started to stalk me and tried to get me back into the "friendship" by threatening me with things like: "Don`t dare it to contact him again. You are destroying him." And he started to drink again - for almost five weeks this time - and tried to contact me every day. One night he was sleeping in front of my door.
I could write more for hours. But for now it is enough. Thanks for reading...
My problem is ... as long as he was drunk and tried to contact me every day, I told him, that I have to leave the relationship to protect myself and that I need him back in intensive therapy to have basis for contact. He refused. I got everything you can imagine: blame reversal, gaslighting, projection, insults... And STILL - I would love it to hear, that he is back in therapy and wants me back...
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