Spiraling down again

[nodoover]

My husband is spiraling again because of same issue he has had whole time we have been together 26 yrs, but worse last 10.  He can't let go of the past with his ex and because he doesn't live close to his daughter and grandchildren won't go see them because it hurts too much.

I have tried to tell him video calls, texts, and visits every few months are normal way to have a special bond but he rants about how he can't take it.

He was supposed to visit daughter and kids for first time in 1 1/2 yrs after many calls and he canceled last min.  I text her and she said I know how my dad is but feel bad for the boys.

I am trying to hold my life together and sometimes I just feel like he is sucking any joy from me. He wakes up so negative most days and remains that way. I know it's his stuff but it's almost impossible for it not to affect me. 

And everytime something good happens for me I feel like I don't get to enjoy it because he always does something. Today I wanted to celebrate that my tests for cancer were negative. But was met with spiral down life is horrible from my husband first thing. 

I took off for errands, met up with girlfriend and stayed gone all afternoon.  Being retired and a husband who almost never leaves the house I have to find somewhere to go.  I take classes and the fall ones start soon. 

I feel like I have lost my sympathy and empathy for him after so many years of watching him not do anything to help himself except a few times when it was real bad he would go to counseling for a few months then quit when he didn't like something they said.

Does anyone feel this way?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family- so many of us have felt that way.  My circumstances were different and I divorced after my BPD wife walked away to pursue another man.  But the chaos at home with constant negativity and my feelings always coming second were a daily theme.

I wish there was an easy answer here, but unfortunately there rarely is.  This site can teach you to communicate in a different way and create healthy boundaries to avoid the worst of the daily instances.  It takes considerable work on your part and I know that's unfair, but that's unfortunately where you're at right now since he likely won't make changes on his own.

Question- could you invite his kids for a surprise visit?  That may backfire, but it could turn a new leaf as well.  It's something to think about.

[Kats66]

Hello, same thing here. Been married 42 years. Just recently discovered my husband didn’t have Bi-Polar like I thought he had for years but indeed has all the actions, tantrums, ups and downs of BPD.
I can feel your disappointment especially with your cancer tests as I am a breast cancer survivor and have had those exact same feelings when I wanted to share good news.
My husband is also retired and many times I feel I have to “escape” to feel safe from his explosions. I feel in many occasions he has not been my support system but I have always been his. Our issue isn’t kids from previous marriage, it’s our relationship and the constant walking on eggshells. Since he’s been retired I deal with massive ups and downs, constant criticism and accusations that are totally ridiculous, or things he says I said but never did. 
Like most he can be totally wonderful then next minute a monster. It’s very exhausting,
I started going back to a psychologist for me and working on me. It’s helped me so much but those hurtful words and neediness at times is too overwhelming. Sometimes I want to totally run away for good and feel like I don’t have the energy to deal with his stuff. Sending you prayers to keep you strong.