BPD'd again

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post here but not my first time looking for help with living with someone with BPD.  I am on my second marriage to someone with BPD.  I swear I didn't go looking for it.  It didn't manifest for a long time, but recent events triggered it.  I didn't notice the pattern at first because I suppose I didn't want to notice it. We are perfect together except for when we aren't.  If you were to ask her, she lives in fear of ME everyday, walks on eggshells around me (learned the term from me when I described my first marriage) and then says in the next moment that I'm her best friend, that she doesn't want a divorce and so on.  We have had fights over the years, but the vast majority of them was her complete disrespect for the 2-3 things that I asked for in our relationship. 1) No clutter.  I lived in a hoarder situation for nearly 8 years and it's a trigger for me.  I was completely honest.  2) If you aren't going to work, then you can't just sit around doing nothing.  Again, same 8 years was with someone that did nothing as the house fell down around us.  She proceeded to do both of those things from the day she moved in with her 4 year old daughter.  I tried to let things roll off and talked to her gently about it, but she ignored me.  Over and over again.  Then, when some small thing would be the final straw, I would explode.  Anger overflowing from being pent up.  To this day, she sees ME as being abusive because of MY anger.  She refuses to acknowledge that her behaviors contribute to anything making me responsible for everything and her being accountable for nothing.  11 years of it.  And now her daughter is part of it too.  I'll save that for another post.  It'll be longer than this one.

[ayNonEhMus]

This is my first post here but not my first time looking for help with living with someone with BPD.  I am on my second marriage to someone with BPD.  I swear I didn't go looking for it.  It didn't manifest for a long time, but recent events triggered it.  I didn't notice the pattern at first because I suppose I didn't want to notice it. We are perfect together except for when we aren't.  If you were to ask her, she lives in fear of ME everyday, walks on eggshells around me (learned the term from me when I described my first marriage) and then says in the next moment that I'm her best friend, that she doesn't want a divorce and so on.  We have had fights over the years, but the vast majority of them was her complete disrespect for the 2-3 things that I asked for in our relationship. 1) No clutter.  I lived in a hoarder situation for nearly 8 years and it's a trigger for me.  I was completely honest.  2) If you aren't going to work, then you can't just sit around doing nothing.  Again, same 8 years was with someone that did nothing as the house fell down around us.  She proceeded to do both of those things from the day she moved in with her 4 year old daughter.  I tried to let things roll off and talked to her gently about it, but she ignored me.  Over and over again.  Then, when some small thing would be the final straw, I would explode.  Anger overflowing from being pent up.  To this day, she sees ME as being abusive because of MY anger.  She refuses to acknowledge that her behaviors contribute to anything making me responsible for everything and her being accountable for nothing.  11 years of it.  And now her daughter is part of it too.  I'll save that for another post.  It'll be longer than this one.

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I had the same two frustrations in my marriage of 24 years; my BPD wife would work for a stretch and leave the house a wreck...then take a year off and still leave the house a wreck.  Now, she'd go clean her mom's house, or anyone else's house...but not her own.

Eventually, I realized that I had a decision to make.  I loved her for 100 reasons, and couldn't stand maybe 3-5 things (never clean up, rarely cook, never home/always on the run, always pulled into family drama, etc).  I had to make a choice- let go of that stuff and accept she's not the best housewife, or file for divorce.  I chose to let it go.

You have a choice as well- accept it or push back.  But at the same time, getting angry over it doesn't solve anything.  If it bothers you that much, clean the house yourself daily...that's exactly what I did, and it made my wife realize how little she contributed.  So things would be different for a few months and she would participate out of guilt and shame.

Not that it was ideal, mind you, but it worked.

Instead of waiting until you explode, it also helps to have conversations frequently.  Don't let it build up, that doesn't do anything for anyone.  This site really helped me learn to better communicate and it's made a world of difference.

[kells76]

Hard and frustrating situation for sure, especially with a child involved. 11 years is a long time... I wonder if some of these feelings (for both of you) have been building up for a while.

When you two have had successful conversations, what made them successful -- ie for those topics where you got some kind of resolution/agreement, what made that work? Shorter conversations? Focusing on "problem not person"? Letting her have her turn to be listened to first? Talking on a weekend, not weeknight? Something else?

My gut feeling is that "having a big conversation" about it with her is too much -- if BPD is in the mix, that might be emotionally overwhelming for her, and she falls apart, and you feel upset & frustrated that nothing gets resolved, which makes sense, because you want a workable solution for both of you.

I'm guessing you might also feel resentful at doing more than your fair share -- is that close? And you don't want to feel resentful?

Would you say that fundamentally you both want the relationship to be better?