BPD Ghosting Romantic Partners

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am brand new to this community and this is my first post.
I wanted to share my experience dating a girl who unfortunately has BPD.
This was some time ago, but I still think about her a lot...

She seemed so bubbly and sweet when I first met her.
Se was outwardly very confident and friendly.
Our first few days were nice, but I could tell something was off.
She was withdrawn and she would usually stare off into the distance, not totally present.
Then she would go back to her cheery self..
She seemed like she really liked me and I liked her, too.
We began a sexual relationship and everything seemed fine for a little while.
She opened up one day and took off her long sleeve shirt, which she always wore and she had about 15 self harm scars on each arm and some on her legs, too.
She told me she used to cut herself and that she also previously had an eating disorder.
She was in therapy and on medication, so she was being proactive about healing her wounds.
I just tried to make her feel as non judged and as comfortable as possible and never asked any questions.
Some days she was super cheery and the next day, or sometimes the same day, her mood would shift and she would be quiet and withdrawn.
One day, she came over and was in tears and her anxiety was so bad, she was shaking.
I spent the day with her just to be there, but she would not say exactly what was bothering her and then she needed to be alone.
This happened frequently, she would be so upset, need her space, then I wouldn't see her for a couple days.
Then she would come over and she was upbeat.
She often told me that she really liked me and when I was sick, she offered to bring me supplies and she told me she missed me a lot.
Then, she started to withdraw and she basically disappeared.
I texted and called her - no response.. so I tried again in a few days and no response..At this point, I realized she did not want to date me anymore, so I let it go....

I reached out 2 months later (she wouldn't answer her phone) so I texted her and asked what had happened, "why did you disappear"?
She apologized for ghosting me and said that she had a lot going on in her life and that she needed some space.
She also threw something in my face - she brought up a question I had asked her - about birth control, which she was taking when we dated - she said she felt very disrespected... it kind of felt made up.... I don't know.. so I apologized and just said I wish you would have told me this - we could have worked it out... no response...

Then, I see her at a grocery store about 6 months later (we live a mile apart) and she approached me.
I just said, "hello' and moved on. I had let it go, but seeing her again brought up these bad feelings..
She texted me a day later telling me how nice it was to see me and she said she had a question.
So I called her and she was going through a personal problem that she wanted my help with.
So I told her my thoughts and we hung up.
Then she starts texting me, "it would be really nice to see you again".
I was open to it, so I agreed, but it never happened because our schedules never lined up.
She texted me" I'm excited to see you, Ive missed you a lot"
Our texts got a little intimate over the next few days, then she disappeared again....
I reached out a week or so later and asked if everything was okay.
She responded, "I'm not sure how I feel about having a sexual relationship with you"
I said, "that's fine, you don't owe me that. what's not fine is the ghosting.  You did it once to end our relationship and you did it again now. you clearly have no respect for other people's feelings.  We're done"

Shortly thereafter, she posted pics other and some guy on her social media.
Pics of them hiking, cuddling, etc., then she removed only those pics.
Then she would repost them, leave them up for a few weeks, then delete....

I still wonder what would have happened if I had said something differently, I don't even know what.
I've been replaying the tape in my head since the last time I saw her...
She has not come back and I doubt she ever will.......
The thing that messes with my head the most is the thought that she's gone to therapy and gotten better and now some other guy is getting all the good stuff in her that I missed out on....
I don't know.....

[Diamond55]

Hi, I am brand new to this community and this is my first post.
I wanted to share my experience dating a girl who unfortunately has BPD.
This was some time ago, but I still think about her a lot...

She seemed so bubbly and sweet when I first met her.
Se was outwardly very confident and friendly.
Our first few days were nice, but I could tell something was off.
She was withdrawn and she would usually stare off into the distance, not totally present.
Then she would go back to her cheery self..
She seemed like she really liked me and I liked her, too.
We began a sexual relationship and everything seemed fine for a little while.
She opened up one day and took off her long sleeve shirt, which she always wore and she had about 15 self harm scars on each arm and some on her legs, too.
She told me she used to cut herself and that she also previously had an eating disorder.
She was in therapy and on medication, so she was being proactive about healing her wounds.
I just tried to make her feel as non judged and as comfortable as possible and never asked any questions.
Some days she was super cheery and the next day, or sometimes the same day, her mood would shift and she would be quiet and withdrawn.
One day, she came over and was in tears and her anxiety was so bad, she was shaking.
I spent the day with her just to be there, but she would not say exactly what was bothering her and then she needed to be alone.
This happened frequently, she would be so upset, need her space, then I wouldn't see her for a couple days.
Then she would come over and she was upbeat.
She often told me that she really liked me and when I was sick, she offered to bring me supplies and she told me she missed me a lot.
Then, she started to withdraw and she basically disappeared.
I texted and called her - no response.. so I tried again in a few days and no response..At this point, I realized she did not want to date me anymore, so I let it go....

I reached out 2 months later (she wouldn't answer her phone) so I texted her and asked what had happened, "why did you disappear"?
She apologized for ghosting me and said that she had a lot going on in her life and that she needed some space.
She also threw something in my face - she brought up a question I had asked her - about birth control, which she was taking when we dated - she said she felt very disrespected... it kind of felt made up.... I don't know.. so I apologized and just said I wish you would have told me this - we could have worked it out... no response...

Then, I see her at a grocery store about 6 months later (we live a mile apart) and she approached me.
I just said, "hello' and moved on. I had let it go, but seeing her again brought up these bad feelings..
She texted me a day later telling me how nice it was to see me and she said she had a question.
So I called her and she was going through a personal problem that she wanted my help with.
So I told her my thoughts and we hung up.
Then she starts texting me, "it would be really nice to see you again".
I was open to it, so I agreed, but it never happened because our schedules never lined up.
She texted me" I'm excited to see you, Ive missed you a lot"
Our texts got a little intimate over the next few days, then she disappeared again....
I reached out a week or so later and asked if everything was okay.
She responded, "I'm not sure how I feel about having a sexual relationship with you"
I said, "that's fine, you don't owe me that. what's not fine is the ghosting.  You did it once to end our relationship and you did it again now. you clearly have no respect for other people's feelings.  We're done"

Shortly thereafter, she posted pics other and some guy on her social media.
Pics of them hiking, cuddling, etc., then she removed only those pics.
Then she would repost them, leave them up for a few weeks, then delete....

I still wonder what would have happened if I had said something differently, I don't even know what.
I've been replaying the tape in my head since the last time I saw her...
She has not come back and I doubt she ever will.......
The thing that messes with my head the most is the thought that she's gone to therapy and gotten better and now some other guy is getting all the good stuff in her that I missed out on....
I don't know.....

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you had this experience and unfortunately, it's so incredibly common here.  Your story could be 100 other people's stories here as well.

If it helps, her problem was a low self-esteem and a mind that tended to second-guess everything to the point where she became her own worst enemy.  Anytime she got close to someone, she'd hold them on a pedestal (thinking that this one was different, they're perfect!).  But over time, they'd realize that they weren't perfect and they'd start slowly detaching from the relationship.  This happens with friends, family, partners, co-workers, etc...once she gets close, she begins to second guess everything and it all falls apart over time.

While you might have made some mistakes, the problem wasn't you and it honestly wasn't her either...the problem was/is mental illness.  She will struggle throughout her lifetime and there's no such thing as "cured".  In time through therapy, she can learn to cope with her worst tendencies but there will always be challenges.  That's if she gets in therapy and really takes it serious...which is a huge challenge in its own right.

I'm sorry you're still struggling after all this time, and I hope she does figure it out someday.  Don't blame yourself though; there were people before you and people after you that she had the same struggles with.  Mental illness stinks for everyone involved.

[PeteWitsend]

Welcome to the community, and it's good you found this place.  I think those of us who have been in relationships with pwBPD can help others make sense of which way is up, and what it means for us as people to have experienced something like this.  I have a couple thoughts on some things you've written below...

...
She opened up one day and took off her long sleeve shirt, which she always wore and she had about 15 self harm scars on each arm and some on her legs, too.
She told me she used to cut herself and that she also previously had an eating disorder.
She was in therapy and on medication, so she was being proactive about healing her wounds.
I just tried to make her feel as non judged and as comfortable as possible and never asked any questions.
Some days she was super cheery and the next day, or sometimes the same day, her mood would shift and she would be quiet and withdrawn.
One day, she came over and was in tears and her anxiety was so bad, she was shaking.
I spent the day with her just to be there, but she would not say exactly what was bothering her and then she needed to be alone.
This happened frequently, she would be so upset, need her space, then I wouldn't see her for a couple days.
Then she would come over and she was upbeat.

Not to be overly dramatic, but when I read this part, I thought of a horror movie like Alien, where the parasitic xenomorph is out there, probing for weakness, and looking for a point to attack, LOL.  She was testing you, to see what you'd tolerate. 

I think this is one of those "red flag" moments in your relationship with her, where she showed you what a mess she was, and watched carefully to see whether you'd accept it, or run like hell.  You accepted it.  The next thing you'd experience would be her attempts to see how she could manipulate you into doing things she wanted, or foregoing things you liked to do, as a show of how committed to her you could be.  Hence the later comment attempting to blame you for her own poor behavior.

I reached out 2 months later (she wouldn't answer her phone) so I texted her and asked what had happened, "why did you disappear"?
She apologized for ghosting me and said that she had a lot going on in her life and that she needed some space.
She also threw something in my face - she brought up a question I had asked her - about birth control, which she was taking when we dated - she said she felt very disrespected... it kind of felt made up.... I don't know.. so I apologized and just said I wish you would have told me this - we could have worked it out... no response...

This is just a classic attempt to deflect from her own lousy behavior - ghosting someone she had been intimate with - on to you, and force you to take the blame for it. 

I noticed this all the time; BPDxw would do something untoward or uncalled for, and then insist it was my fault because she "felt" that I was being rude, or "wasn't committed enough" or [insert other wholly-made-up-or-heavily-embellished-event as an excuse].

I said, "that's fine, you don't owe me that. what's not fine is the ghosting.  You did it once to end our relationship and you did it again now. you clearly have no respect for other people's feelings.  We're done"

This is good!  You have a boundary - not getting close to people who don't respect other's feelings - and you enforced it fairly and consistently.

Had you been dealing with a mentally healthy, mature adult, and not a disordered one, she would've responded with an apology.  Period.  Not one with any conditions.  And if she had any sort of excuse for her behavior it would've been one that made logical sense & didn't attempt to shift blame on to you or someone else.  Regardless though, you wouldn't have been made to feel somehow responsible for her own behavior.

Shortly thereafter, she posted pics other and some guy on her social media.
Pics of them hiking, cuddling, etc., then she removed only those pics.
Then she would repost them, leave them up for a few weeks, then delete....

I suspect (which seems confirmed by this part) that she was "playing the field" and dating (at least...) one other guy. 

Of course, a person doesn't have to have a personality disorder in order to cheat, but cheating and a "pattern of unstable relationships" are two of the diagnostic behaviors of BPD (link: https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder)

There's also a behavior some have dubbed "monkey branching" ... which you can look up online, as there are a lot of sites documenting it, but basically it's forming new relationships while still in one, and swinging between them, without letting partners know of the intent or what the monkey-brancher is doing. 

I still wonder what would have happened if I had said something differently, I don't even know what.
I've been replaying the tape in my head since the last time I saw her...
She has not come back and I doubt she ever will.......
The thing that messes with my head the most is the thought that she's gone to therapy and gotten better and now some other guy is getting all the good stuff in her that I missed out on....
I don't know.....

My $0.02: she was playing the field to see who provided the "best" long term "safe" option for her.  If another guy was richer, better looking, more exciting, etc. she would've been drawn to that, but you being tolerant of most of her flaws (until you drew the line at ghosting) meant that you were "safe" - a safety net for her to fall back on when nothing else was going on, or the other guy stopped accepting her behavior. 

If you want to know what would've happened if you said something differently, read some of the threads on this board of people who married pwBPD, their long term struggles, and their desperation to get out, having spent years of their lives miserable, having to constantly reassure the pwBPD of their commitment, becoming estranged from their own family and friends in the process (the pwBPD will inevitable feel "threatened" by any other relationships in your life, even familial ties), enduring many forms of abuse by the pwBPD, from emotional and verbal to even violent abuse in some cases, as the pwBPD looks to control the non-disordered partner completely by any means necessary. 

And as far as the worry that she's going to go to therapy and improve her behavior and mental state are exceedingly rare.  And the chances that improvement will be lasting and long term are even more rare. 

Instead of wondering what could have been, look at it this way: you heeded the warning signs and didn't fall into the pit many others, including me, have fallen into. 

I'd echo one thing Pook said: the problem wasn't you.  The problem was entirely that she has a behavioral disorder, and nothing you said or did was going to change that. 

[Diamond55]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and respond to my post.
It means a lot.....

[Diamond55]

I have been going so crazy over this, replaying every conversation and every interaction in my head..
I'm relieved and a little sad that other people can relate...
I've also done some inner work to find out why I was attracted to this as well as why I am still very upset about it..
I am working on my codependent issues regarding this..

[PeteWitsend]

I have been going so crazy over this, replaying every conversation and every interaction in my head..
I'm relieved and a little sad that other people can relate...
I've also done some inner work to find out why I was attracted to this as well as why I am still very upset about it..
I am working on my codependent issues regarding this..

That's good, but you know given how many people are BPD, or have a cluster B disorder, it's likely we'll all encounter one at some point in our lives, and possibly even start a relationship with someone who is BPD.  It's hard to know if they are or not up front, as it's not information anyone willingly volunteers about themselves, usually.  And even if they did, a lot of people are still unfamiliar with it, and/or naive enough to think they can help the person or it won't be a serious barrier to intimacy.  So it just happens sometimes. 

The more important thing is how you respond to it, and I'd say - by virtue of your decision to inform her in no uncertain terms that you two were through because of how she treated you - that you have a healthy set of personal boundaries.  You handled it well.  I don't think you sound codependent.  But it's certainly something to consider for any future relationships you might have, if you meet someone who self-harms and has a litany of issues.  Consider that THEY are not ready for a relationship, and this has nothing to do with you.  They are not ready for a relationship, even if they might think they want one, or try to push you into one, and it's up to you to draw the line.  If they're mentally ill, they're not going to be able to do that. 

[HoratioX]

Hi, I am brand new to this community and this is my first post.
I wanted to share my experience dating a girl who unfortunately has BPD.
This was some time ago, but I still think about her a lot...

She seemed so bubbly and sweet when I first met her.
Se was outwardly very confident and friendly.
Our first few days were nice, but I could tell something was off.
She was withdrawn and she would usually stare off into the distance, not totally present.
Then she would go back to her cheery self..
She seemed like she really liked me and I liked her, too.
We began a sexual relationship and everything seemed fine for a little while.
She opened up one day and took off her long sleeve shirt, which she always wore and she had about 15 self harm scars on each arm and some on her legs, too.
She told me she used to cut herself and that she also previously had an eating disorder.
She was in therapy and on medication, so she was being proactive about healing her wounds.
I just tried to make her feel as non judged and as comfortable as possible and never asked any questions.
Some days she was super cheery and the next day, or sometimes the same day, her mood would shift and she would be quiet and withdrawn.
One day, she came over and was in tears and her anxiety was so bad, she was shaking.
I spent the day with her just to be there, but she would not say exactly what was bothering her and then she needed to be alone.
This happened frequently, she would be so upset, need her space, then I wouldn't see her for a couple days.
Then she would come over and she was upbeat.
She often told me that she really liked me and when I was sick, she offered to bring me supplies and she told me she missed me a lot.
Then, she started to withdraw and she basically disappeared.
I texted and called her - no response.. so I tried again in a few days and no response..At this point, I realized she did not want to date me anymore, so I let it go....

I reached out 2 months later (she wouldn't answer her phone) so I texted her and asked what had happened, "why did you disappear"?
She apologized for ghosting me and said that she had a lot going on in her life and that she needed some space.
She also threw something in my face - she brought up a question I had asked her - about birth control, which she was taking when we dated - she said she felt very disrespected... it kind of felt made up.... I don't know.. so I apologized and just said I wish you would have told me this - we could have worked it out... no response...

Then, I see her at a grocery store about 6 months later (we live a mile apart) and she approached me.
I just said, "hello' and moved on. I had let it go, but seeing her again brought up these bad feelings..
She texted me a day later telling me how nice it was to see me and she said she had a question.
So I called her and she was going through a personal problem that she wanted my help with.
So I told her my thoughts and we hung up.
Then she starts texting me, "it would be really nice to see you again".
I was open to it, so I agreed, but it never happened because our schedules never lined up.
She texted me" I'm excited to see you, Ive missed you a lot"
Our texts got a little intimate over the next few days, then she disappeared again....
I reached out a week or so later and asked if everything was okay.
She responded, "I'm not sure how I feel about having a sexual relationship with you"
I said, "that's fine, you don't owe me that. what's not fine is the ghosting.  You did it once to end our relationship and you did it again now. you clearly have no respect for other people's feelings.  We're done"

Shortly thereafter, she posted pics other and some guy on her social media.
Pics of them hiking, cuddling, etc., then she removed only those pics.
Then she would repost them, leave them up for a few weeks, then delete....

I still wonder what would have happened if I had said something differently, I don't even know what.
I've been replaying the tape in my head since the last time I saw her...
She has not come back and I doubt she ever will.......
The thing that messes with my head the most is the thought that she's gone to therapy and gotten better and now some other guy is getting all the good stuff in her that I missed out on....
I don't know.....

Okay, not a therapist, so you might want to talk to one to get a professional opinion.

But here's a nonprofessional one:

1) Don't blame yourself. You'll read a lot of things from people parroting what they've read online or had conversations about. A term that gets tossed around is "codependent." This also asserts that some of the blame in on the person who got involved with the person with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.). That's nonsense. If you're mentally healthy -- not perfect, but healthy -- and you go into a relationship with someone who lies, gaslights, and manipulates you, you're not the problem. You only become the problem when once you're aware of this, you stay in the relationship or go back.

2) This young woman you describe clearly is mentally ill. She may be functional to a degree, but she is not healthy. She is likely intelligent, which makes her dangerous because that means she can strategize, and she likely has had many years to perfect her craft. But she is ill. That means anything she does is an extension of that mental illness. You cannot separate that from moments when she seems lucid and healthy any more than you can take someone who is physical ill and determine because they have moments of strength or good pallor that they are well.

3) Because you sound mentally healthy -- again, that doesn't necessarily mean perfect, but it means free of clinical mental illness -- you are looking at her through rational eyes. That is, you are looking to see something in her that is rational and can either be reached by you or that can explain her actions in terms that make sense. Do not do either. She is not someone you can fix. She is not someone whose actions will make sense. She is operating like a Roomba with faulty programming. It just putters along in its confined space. It may look like it's doing something meaningful. It may be to a degree. But it has no sensible course. It merely moves. That is your ex.

4) Because your ex is mentally ill, she can bounce from one relationship to another easily and without any real feeling. Someone with BPD (etc.), especially women in our patriarchal society, know that being attractive gives them options, and they use this to their advantage. But what mentally healthy people want -- love, trust, comfort, companionship, mutual respect, and so on -- is not what someone with BPD (etc.) is looking forward. They are trying fix a need the way a drug addict is. They just want whatever pain they're feeling to go away, and if that means latching themselves onto the next available guy willing to shower them with attention, that's what they do.

5) So, don't be jealous or envious. Don't be speculating. What you experienced with her is exactly what everyone that came before you and will come after you will experience. It may reveal itself in different ways, but the pain, chaos, turmoil, disloyalty, and betrayal will happen to them, too.

What you want to do now is heal. Move on. You had the right attitude when you accepted things before. She rekindled that when you ran into her. Your physical response is normal. When we're physically attracted to someone, we want what we want. But you're mixing that now with an emotional response. You're wondering if you can fix things. You can't. You're thinking she can change. She won't. You're believing you can control your feelings now that you better understand what you're dealing with. You shouldn't.

You're missing her because you're only thinking about the good things. That's what our memories do when we had or have feelings for someone. But here's what you do, so long as you're strong enough: Write two columns on a sheet of paper. In the first column, write the good things she did. In the second column, write the bad things. Don't just write feelings. Write events. Memories. I guarantee unless you're parsing out the same emotions and experiences in different words, the good column will be shorter than the bad. You already know this. You knew this when you wanted to move on. You just need to remind yourself. Again, only do this if you feel strong enough. If you have any doubts, don't, because it's likely to rekindle feelings. But if you do, and if you see that second column is longer and more toxic, you'll start to get past her again. And you'll be glad.

[Diamond55]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply with such a detailed response - it means a lot...
It really helps to get perspective from other people who have dealt with this type of dysfunction..
I look forward to learning more about you and your experiences.
I guess I self diagnosed myself as codependent because I still think about her everyday - perhaps that was a misuse of the word..

Please allow me to correct something I wrote.
She got with the next guy a few months later I think.
When I typed, "shortly thereafter", I meant at least 4 or 5 months..
Sorry for the miscommunication....

[Under The Bridge]

I thought of a horror movie like Alien, where the parasitic xenomorph is out there, probing for weakness, and looking for a point to attack

At least with the Xenomorph, you know it will always rip your head off the second it sees you.. unlike BPD where you're constantly on edge wondering what mood your partner will be in when you next see them.

The thing that messes with my head the most is the thought that she's gone to therapy and gotten better and now some other guy is getting all the good stuff in her that I missed out on

That thought is hard to deal with at the start of a breakup but you eventually realise that your partner is locked into a repeating cycle of idolise then demonise. They'll treat any new partner exctly as they treated you - and their previous partners - and it will end in the same conflict. All you can do is take care of yourself, because you're the only one who you have control over.

Try not to constantly replay the past, thinking there was one 'magical' way to do things right which you missed - there wasn't. Logic is not part of a BPD's makeup and they are reacting to what they perceive we've done, not what we actually did do.  I found this the most frustrating aspect of all, thinking 'Why can't she see the facts here?' but that's not going to happen with someone who is so mentally disordered that they can rewrite events or even blank them out totally.

Our healing comes when we finally realise that we gave all we could, tried our hardest. persevered beyond all reasonable expectations and could do more.

[Diamond55]

I have been in long term relationships that ended after years, and while that hurt, there was no confusion..
Everything, although painful, was pretty straight forward and I feel like the recovery was linear..

This situation was not long term, but it messed with my head way more...... and from reading posts on this forum, others have had similar experiences....
We can all heal together!