Adult Daughter with BPD Homeless and Hostile

[CocoNR]

Hello,
Thank you for being there. This is my first post.

My adult daughter is 38. She developed BPD at about 11. She has been in and out of therapy and some hospitalizations since her teens.

I want to say right away that she has very threatened me, her father, her sister and my young grandchildren to the extent that we received a call from the FBI in July of this year. These were extremely serious and frightening threats.

As background, rwe all went to therapy (since high school), NAMI courses and helped her with cars, school and apartments .

I will try to summarize and get to the point. Just as the pandemic hit, she called and said she was pregnant and "living in a motel." The father was a bad guy with a criminal record, and he left her alone at an inn (not a motel) off-season. This was our first contact in a year. We did not support her in the pregnancy, and it was terminated. My sincere apologies if that offends anyone.

My ex and I supported her in an apartment for 3.5 years, furnishing it and helping with rent and food.

Two years ago, she orchestrated a fake suicide attempt with a burner phone, video, and threats. I had been advised to call an ambulance in a suicide threat situation, and I finally did. I asked the crew to please be gentle and mindful as she could be difficult, but she is very small.

They had to knock her door down as she was uncooperative. They did hospitalize her, but for less than 24 hours.

Shortly after that episode, after barely leaving her apartment for 3.5 years, she moved out, left all of her belongings behind (that we had bought for her) and then moved to Wisconsin, Georgia, Louisiana, Colorado, Oregon, California and now she is in Nebraska. I do not know how she financed that, although I did learn from her social media that she was doing online porn.

I only know this from her social media. I have only spoken to her once since November of 2023, and it did not go well.

Now she is not happy in Nebraska and is texting me for help. She asks for money daily but I don't send money, although I have sent some.

She seems to be homeless. She has been in a number of situations in the various states over the last year and a half. She never finds her place...

She alternates texting or leaving messages asking for help, or leaves messages name-calling.

I am in constant pain about her situation. But I can not bring myself to connect with her because of the vicious threats she has made, particularly against my young grandchildren.

I don't know what to do.

Many thanks for any advice and insight.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi CocoNR
I have been offline for a bit – chaos here – and just read your post. I can feel my heart heavy as I read, so can only imagine the heavy heart that you carry around day after day, year after year.

Just a couple of questions:
Do you know where in Nabraska your DD is?
Have you made the decision to keep receiving messages i.e. not go ‘no contact’?
Have you told DD about the FBI call?

I notice the call from the FBI was not that long ago, so I can understand you are quite on edge that DD might turn up. My DD uses threatening language to me a great deal, but there has been little physical violence. Given the fact that you have had little contact though it is difficult to have an idea of DD at this point in time.

It is difficult to think of suggestions that might help. If I had an idea of DD’s specific location I think I might try ringing some welfare organizations to ask them to keep an eye out for DD. They need to understand that they cannot mention you or any member of the family.

I notice that you have been able to financially support DD in the past and not sure if this is still the case. My DD was on the street for some time and I decided to send her an amount of money every second day. It was enough for some food and perhaps a couple of personal items. It is a big commitment, but it helped me as much as it helped her.

I have been at a point of total sadness and despair many times and I have found a couple of things helpful. One thing is that I make sure DD is not on my mind all day. As soon as I find myself in this state, I say to myself ‘I am going to sit and think about DD at 5:00 for half an hour.

The second thing is going over in my mind all that I have done (and you have lots on that list!). Then I tell myself ‘I have done all that I can’.  It’s a bit odd I know,  but these things have been really helpful.

Thinking of you . . .

[CocoNR]

Hello Sancho,

I can not thank you enough for your reply. And I send hugs to you for your situation. I will answer your questions.

I was no contact for a long time, but I was following her on social media for two reasons...to comfort myself that she is alive and basically housed, and to be sure she is not near our state.

Then it became too much for me emotionally when she called and texted "Please talk to me mom." I caved and texted her. I am currently in touch with her but it is taking quite a toll on me. BTW I am almost 75 years old.

I hoped to try to help her get out of her homeless/poor decision cycle. I used Chat GPT for a lot of info about "how to end the cycle of homelessness," and where there are shelters in Nebraska (I don't know what city she is in), and how to get from Nebraska to Colorado and into housing. I got a step-by-step process with phone numbers of shelters, agencies to help with housing and mental health. She had been somewhat happy in Colorado, very unhappy in Nebraska. She sees herself as  "famous" and went out west to be in LA, where she had some success.

I did send the information. Naturally, she wants none of that. She wants to live with me, or I should co-sign on a place, or pay for a deposit. She is adamant that she does not belong in a program. I will definitely not co-sign, and she will never live here or even enter my house.

Over the years, she has been diagnosed with Borderline and Bipolar. Now she thinks she has Autism. (I doubt that.)

We have been through this many times before. Several apartments, cars, school, deposits...

I haven't told her about the FBI call. I did tell her that I would call the police if she showed up anywhere near here, primarily because she has very violently threatened my young grandchildren  (and me, and my ex and my daughter, and son-in-law). She threatened us with the worst possible outcome. I don't want to write that word here... She laughed at my saying I would call the police. But I will. And I will call the FBI. Once she was on the FBI's radar, I became even more frightened.

At this point, I am quite sorry that I responded. She is texting me hundreds of times a day. I will not actually speak to her. That does not go well. I feel physically ill at this point, and I really regret that I responded. Maybe the despair of her being homeless is better for my mental health than trying to help her, which might lead to her harming my grandchildren. (And me and the other family members.) I could never forgive myself if she hurt my grandchildren (or anyone else.)

I like your idea of telling yourself everything you have done for your DD.  And then thinking about her for half an hour when she takes over your thinking.

I feel that my DD's case is kind of extreme... with the violent threats. I actually do not want her in my life. But I feel bad for her, and I can't seem to reconcile those two issues.

Thank you again for being there and for your wisdom and kindness.