Felling guilty for having failed my partner with BPD

[SodraQ]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here.
I’ve just come out of my second relationship with a partner who has BPD.
To briefly describe the first one: it followed the typical pattern of an intense, idealized love phase where we spent almost 24/7 together — there was only “us,” no one else — until the first mistake happened. After that, I was completely devalued and she broke up with me instantly. Shortly after the breakup, she slept with other people, which she hid from me, even though we had agreed to try again a week later. But that “second chance” was really just her way of keeping things going until she found someone new to replace me. She wasn’t in therapy, didn’t have a job, and didn’t live a structured life — I was basically all she had.

After that relationship, I told myself I’d never date someone with BPD again, because the first one drained me completely and the breakup really broke me.
Then I met my new partner and told her about my past experience. Of course, she tried to convince me that it would be different with her — and she succeeded. She’s 26, has a job, a car, lives on her own, follows a structured daily routine, and was regularly in therapy (though when we started dating, she was on a waiting list because she had just moved after her last breakup). She had her own life that didn’t depend on me.
We spent healthy, balanced time together — I could still see my friends without any issues, and she had her jealousy under control. All of that convinced me to give a relationship another try.

Everything went well for about a month after beeing officaly together — until I made a big mistake. One that didn’t seem serious to me at the time, but was a huge deal for her.

Right now, I feel incredibly guilty for reopening her old wounds and triggering her BPD symptoms, even though she had told me about her trauma — how her ex had cheated on her with someone (in her words) “thinner and prettier,” because he wasn’t attracted to her anymore.

My mistake:
At a party where there was a lot of alcohol involved, a few of my close male friends jokingly gave me a quick peck on the lips — just a brief kiss, nothing passionate (we’re all straight). I didn’t think it was a problem. We’d never discussed boundaries around that topic.
I’ve always told her that I’d be fine if she kissed another woman in a friendly, playful way as long as it stayed platonic and both were straight. She never mentioned how she felt about situations like that, and I honestly didn’t think it would ever come up, since I’d never done it before.

I told her about it the same day — confessed it right away and asked if it was bad. She said, “No, it’s fine,” and things stayed normal for a day. But two days later, I noticed her becoming distant and colder over text. When I asked what was wrong, everything came out.
For her, it was cheating. She said she couldn’t forgive me and wouldn’t be able to trust me again. I tried to reassure her that now that I knew how much it hurt her, it would never happen again. I asked to talk on the phone, but she didn’t want to. So I told her to take her time and contact me when she was ready to talk.

Two days later, she texted me — not to talk, but to break up. She said she felt disgusted and ashamed, just like when her ex had cheated. She said she felt sick and disappointed in me.

What, in my eyes, wasn’t a big deal and didn’t count as cheating was, for her, a serious breach of trust — and I completely understand that now. I feel awful for reopening her trauma and putting her through that emotional pain, especially after promising myself that I’d give her the love she truly deserved.

I’ve talked to several friends, and most of them say that yes, it’s understandable she’s upset, but it’s also something that could normally be resolved through communication. Still, I feel terrible for being so thoughtless and not considering her trauma — especially since I’ve already been in a relationship with someone with BPD before.

I never got the chance to apologize properly or explain things. After the breakup message, she blocked me everywhere, because I had insisted that suddenly cutting me off like that felt cold and immature.

I don’t think she’ll change her mind — even though I’d love another chance — but once trust is broken, it’s hard to rebuild. Still, I hope that maybe, after some time and space, she’ll be open to a conversation, so I can at least apologize and hear her side of things.
Right now, I’m just trying to piece everything together on my own, to understand exactly what hurt her so deeply.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read all of this. I know there’s probably not much advice anyone can give — I made a big mistake and hurt someone who’s already vulnerable. I just needed a place to get this off my chest, and maybe even to hear some honest feedback, because all my friends keep telling me it wasn’t such a big deal. I guess I needed to share this with people who understand BPD and might have gone through something similar.

[Me88]

What a strange story. So you and your male friends were drinking and they decided to kiss you?

I can definitely see how this triggered her. She's been cheated on so she needs reassurance and for you to prove it with your actions and not just your words.  I've been cheated on by several partners, so my rules and boundaries about what I'll accept are very specific. And yeah, if my gf and her friend kissed I'd consider it cheating, she shouldn't be kissing anyone but me. My brain tells me 'if she's willing to do this, what else is she going to do?'. Crazy probably, but I'm over cheaters already.

And she probably doesn't like conflict, so she said it was all ok, and it just built up like crazy inside of her mind and she felt betrayed and cheated on. So, it wasn't worth talking about, easier to cut ties early on.

I'm unsure how you salvage this one.

[SodraQ]

What a strange story. So you and your male friends were drinking and they decided to kiss you?

I can definitely see how this triggered her. She's been cheated on so she needs reassurance and for you to prove it with your actions and not just your words.  I've been cheated on by several partners, so my rules and boundaries about what I'll accept are very specific. And yeah, if my gf and her friend kissed I'd consider it cheating, she shouldn't be kissing anyone but me. My brain tells me 'if she's willing to do this, what else is she going to do?'. Crazy probably, but I'm over cheaters already.

And she probably doesn't like conflict, so she said it was all ok, and it just built up like crazy inside of her mind and she felt betrayed and cheated on. So, it wasn't worth talking about, easier to cut ties early on.

I'm unsure how you salvage this one.

Yeah, like I said, I didn’t think about my actions. Someone started it, they wanted me to do it too, I got carried away.

Yeah, I think that’s also her mindset when it comes to kissing, and I just crossed that boundary. I also think that, since she’s been cheated on before, she has a zero-tolerance policy for that. But I assumed that she and her girls sometimes give each other a little kiss, since they’re all pretty sexually open.

Besides that, she’s often talked with my best friend about how the two of them would kiss and stuff when we all meet up, so I thought we were both kind of open-minded when it comes to same-gender kissing between straight people. Yeah, I know — it was really stupid of me to think that way. That’s why I keep saying I completely failed there and ended up hurting someone who was already broken even more.

And yeah, she also said, “If he already does that, what else would he do?” I’ve never cheated or done anything like that before — what happened there was the first time I ever did something even close to it. That’s why I’m so damn ashamed for hurting her so badly.

Yeah, I think you’re right — someone who cheats, even in such a small way, doesn’t deserve a conversation. I don’t even know why I insisted on having one… probably just an attempt to save something that can’t be saved anymore.
And yeah, she also wrote that thing like, “If he’s already doing that, what else would he do?” I’ve never cheated or anything like that before — what happened there was the first time I ever crossed a line like that. That’s why I’m so damn ashamed for hurting her.

Yeah, I think you’re right — someone who cheats, even in such a small way, doesn’t deserve a conversation. I don’t even know why I insisted on having one… probably just an attempt to save something that can’t be saved anymore.

[SodraQ]

sorry for the last part, i put it right  (i use a trasnlator since my english aint the best)

And yeah, she also said, “If he already does that, what else would he do?” I’ve never cheated or done anything like that before — what happened there was the first time I ever did something even close to it. That’s why I’m so damn ashamed for hurting her so badly.

I think you’re right — someone who cheats, even in such a small way, doesn’t deserve a conversation. I don’t even know why I insisted on having one… probably just an attempt to save something that can’t be saved anymore.

[Under The Bridge]

Though she seems to be very high-functioning - living on her own, recognising she needs therapy and generally looking to have no problems to the outside world - she still does have BPD and even if her particular 'minefield' isn't very big compared to others it's still there to be stepped on.

BPD's actions are far more likely to be directed at those who are closest to them so you would have to tread far more carefully than any others in her life.  As Me88 says, her jealousy and insecurity was triggered even though you meant no harm, she magnified what was to you a trivial thing into something bigger and threatening to her.

If she's blocked you totally then best thing would be to wait for her to contact you - you can't push at a BPD as that will just make them worse. Hopefully once some time has passed she'll get in touch.

Best wishes.

[SodraQ]

Though she seems to be very high-functioning - living on her own, recognising she needs therapy and generally looking to have no problems to the outside world - she still does have BPD and even if her particular 'minefield' isn't very big compared to others it's still there to be stepped on.

BPD's actions are far more likely to be directed at those who are closest to them so you would have to tread far more carefully than any others in her life.  As Me88 says, her jealousy and insecurity was triggered even though you meant no harm, she magnified what was to you a trivial thing into something bigger and threatening to her.

If she's blocked you totally then best thing would be to wait for her to contact you - you can't push at a BPD as that will just make them worse. Hopefully once some time has passed she'll get in touch.

Best wishes.

I think that because she’s so strong in life and behaves so differently from my ex, I just wasn’t careful enough, even though I should’ve known better. She always acted very confident, as if she was never jealous about anything — like, “if you find someone better, then go.” But at the same time, she was still very insecure about her body because of her ex-boyfriend, thinking I might not find her attractive and stuff like that. I kept trying to show her the opposite — that she’s everything I want and that she doesn’t have to be afraid of not being enough.

It took me some time to understand, but I think I finally do now. I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart that I was such an idiot and didn’t realize why she was so triggered by my action and couldnt understand why she broke up without a conversation. wish i would just let her be after and didnt try to plead her into a conversation, calling it a immature way to break up....

I noticed she hasn’t blocked me on Snapchat and sometimes still posts old cosplay pictures of herself in her story. Either to show me what I’ve lost or to attract someone new — I don’t know. But either way, I’m not going to text her there. Like you said, I have to wait and hope that she reaches out first. Even though part of me still has hope — which is 10/10 delusional, I know — my head knows it, but my heart still hopes for now.
Thanks for the message and your wishes !

[Under The Bridge]

I kept trying to show her the opposite — that she’s everything I want and that she doesn’t have to be afraid of not being enough.

That's the hardest part in a BPD relationship; trying to convince your partner that you're genuine and sincere in every way. I know my ex-BPD would never believe it, no matter what I said or did, and even with everyone else telling her how genuine I was. Very frustrating!

I’m truly sorry from the bottom of my heart that I was such an idiot and didn’t realize why she was so triggered by my action

Don't feel guilty - this is another thing that happens with BPD, it can make us feel that we're the cause of the problems when the cause is their illness affecting them emotionally. The tiniest, most innocent thing can trigger a BPD and no way can we guess or guard against it happening. My exBPD was a demon pool player, she'd win ten games in a row but when someone finally beat her then I got the 'I'm breaking up with you' routine. Often quoted here is the 'Three C's', which is... we didn't Cause their condition, we can't Cure it and we can't Control it. We did nothing to deliberately trigger them, it's just how they see things and not our fault.

It's good that she hasn't blocked you on everything - many BPD's will leave an avenue open for reconnection, whether it's genuine or simply because they have nobody else at the moment and you're 'on the sub's bench' so to speak.  You could message her after a while - something casual and neutral like 'Hi, how you doing? which won't swamp her.

I'd give it a while though, far better if she comes round herself.

[SodraQ]

Don't feel guilty - this is another thing that happens with BPD, it can make us feel that we're the cause of the problems when the cause is their illness affecting them emotionally. The tiniest, most innocent thing can trigger a BPD and no way can we guess or guard against it happening. My exBPD was a demon pool player, she'd win ten games in a row but when someone finally beat her then I got the 'I'm breaking up with you' routine. Often quoted here is the 'Three C's', which is... we didn't Cause their condition, we can't Cure it and we can't Control it. We did nothing to deliberately trigger them, it's just how they see things and not our fault.

It's good that she hasn't blocked you on everything - many BPD's will leave an avenue open for reconnection, whether it's genuine or simply because they have nobody else at the moment and you're 'on the sub's bench' so to speak.  You could message her after a while - something casual and neutral like 'Hi, how you doing? which won't swamp her.

I'd give it a while though, far better if she comes round herself.

I’m trying to suppress the guilt because right now even the smallest thought makes me cry, thinking that I triggered that in her. That’s why it also feels good to read here that I shouldn’t see myself as completely to blame. My friends all say it wasn’t a big deal, that she’s overreacting, and that I should be glad it ended now rather than over some other little thing in the future. Everyone advised me against it, but I still saw the good in the relationship, because she gave me a better picture of BPD than my last girlfriend.

But yes, in the end, we’re not responsible for her condition, and I think we do our best to navigate the “minefield.” I even often ignored my own feelings when she hurt me/made me tear up with her words, just not to trigger anything. I was like I know she doesnt want to hurt me on porpuse.

It feels kind of nice that there’s at least a chance where I could try to reconnect, but for now, the best thing is definitely to leave her alone, and I hope she reaches out on her own. I’m just scared it will be the same as last time, when I was immediately replaced, then she realized I might actually be the better option, until she found someone new. So I already know the little “bench” game. I just hope she doesn’t act rashly out of grief or anger, because I’ve already noticed that she’s planning to meet other people, whether just as friends or more. Either way, it feels painful.

Thanks for your words, they are really helping me right now.

[Rowdy]

Hi. You say she is 26. I am guessing you are around the same age. And this is the second relationship you have had with a borderline.

Ask yourself why are you attracted to people with bpd.
Do you have the heroic impulse? Are you trying to be their caretaker?

From what you describe, like all of us, you have been walking on eggshells, because anything you say or do can be taken out of context and trigger them.

I am 50, and it becomes wearing. I’ve given over half of my life to my ubpdw and have been discarded.

You have got to ask yourself if you want to get in a relationship with someone that has a mental illness, and no matter how much you want to help them, you can’t.

You need to realise that you shouldn’t feel guilty for their dysregulated emotions. While I do think that getting drunk and kissing your mates is a little odd and immature, I think most of us can tell there was no harm meant in it.

You also need to get the mentality out of your head that if she does find someone else they are ‘better’ than you.
They are not, they are just different.

From what I can tell, your relationship lasted a little over a month? Take it from someone that was in a relationship for 27 years, has two children, three dogs and everything else that comes with family life, it’s far far harder trying to get your head around than only ‘wasting’ a month out of your life.

[Alex V]

Dear SodraQ,
Can I be brutally honest?
You do not cause her pain.
You trigger her.
Her pain is not your fault.
You do not fail when you trigger her. You cannot know where her triggers are.
Please do not blame yourself for anything you did. Your intentions are suburb.
If it had not been the friendly kiss, it would have been something else that would have triggert her (some day)
I have been in a relationship for 27 years and now it is ending. I have been moving around my wife on tiptoes but in the end I no longer could. My behaviour changed, standing up for my self, no longer taking any s**t (unconciously), and thats when she decided she had to leave. I did not understand for a long time. Wanted her back. Now I see I want her back for the love bombing. Take all the troubles for granted as long as I get my shot every now and then. At this point, looking at myself and seeing why I do what I do and need what I need (childhood coping meganism), I am getting more detachted from my wife. I cannot go back to what we had. Can not take the aggressive abuse in words and somethimes phisically too, anymore. I am not willing to accept anymore. And still every now and then and I wish she was here and assure me I am good enough for her and feel loved again. I start loving myself now. That's what I can work on and gives me a better feeling and helps me looking at the future with more faith. It is a process with ups and downs, but for me it is worth it. What would you tell a friend in this situation?

[Alex V]

Dear SodraQ,
Can I be brutally honest?
You do not cause her pain.
You trigger her.
Her pain is not your fault.
You do not fail when you trigger her. You cannot know where her triggers are.
Please do not blame yourself for anything you did. Your intentions are suburb.
If it had not been the friendly kiss, it would have been something else that would have triggert her (some day)
I have been in a relationship for 27 years and now it is ending. I have been moving around my wife on tiptoes but in the end I no longer could. My behaviour changed, standing up for my self, no longer taking any s**t (unconciously), and thats when she decided she had to leave. I did not understand for a long time. Wanted her back. Now I see I want her back for the love bombing. Take all the troubles for granted as long as I get my shot every now and then. At this point, looking at myself and seeing why I do what I do and need what I need (childhood coping meganism), I am getting more detachted from my wife. I cannot go back to what we had. Can not take the aggressive abuse in words and somethimes phisically too, anymore. I am not willing to accept anymore. And still every now and then and I wish she was here and assure me I am good enough for her and feel loved again. I start loving myself now. That's what I can work on and gives me a better feeling and helps me looking at the future with more faith. It is a process with ups and downs, but for me it is worth it. What would you tell a friend in this situation?