Step Son Made Contact - Then Backed Out

[Uddermudder123]

It has been awhile since I last posted.  But after a little more than a year of not hearing anything and being totally cut off, my husband finally received a message from his son stating that he was sorry he hadn't reached out, that he missed and loved him and did my husband want to meet to talk. 

Quick summary - my step son and his wife (who has BPD), cut my husband and myself off due to a disagreement over a birthday gift for our then 1 year old grandson.  A toy car that my step son's wife decided the day before the birthday party and after knowing in advance that my husband was going to get it for their son, that toy car was not age appropriate and didn't want us to bring it to the party.  She had my step son deliver that news to my husband via text ending with that we had to respect his wife's decision.  My husband attempted to reason with him, to no avail.  My husband, who is not a fan of conflict - tends to back away from it and just accept things for the way they are - was not just disappointed in the delivery, but also hurt that his son delivered it the way he did, and was a bit angry as well considering they both knew in advance that he was getting this toy car for his only grandson and was looking forward to presenting it to him.  We went out and got a new gift for him of course.  Went to the party and was met with coldness from both my step son and his wife as well as my step son's mother.  That kind of threw us off - like, huh?  My husband spoke to my step son's mother and her husband and just let them know of what happened and he did express his disappointment/hurt/confusion.  Following the party, my step son ghosted my husband for weeks - this is not like him, he spoke to my husband if not every day at least 4-5 times a week.  My husband reached out to ask what was going on, and to please let him know so that if there was an issue they could work it out.  My step son responded aggressively  (which is not like him at all) accusing him of talking behind his back and saying some very hurtful things - things that he knew would cut/break my husband's heart, to which my husband may not have responded in the best way (he was taken aback by the attack and just reacted).  He later apologized for his reaction and asked to get together to talk this out - with no response.  Complete cut off.  My husband continued to reach out here and there to tell him that he loved him and missed him and was here for him.  No response.  Last Christmas we both reached out to extend an olive branch because of the holidays, and we missed our grandson.  My step son's wife responded - no, shutting it down.

Fast forward to this past September, per above, out of the blue my husband received a message from his son. Of course my husband responded that yes he'd love to meet with him to talk and that he loved and missed him too.  They decided on meeting a few days later.  On the day that they were to meet, my husband reached out to confirm the time and place.  No answer.  He kept checking the messages - no response.  My poor husband - the look on his face, just complete sadness. My heart hurts just remembering that day.  He was so looking forward to a reconciliation.  Not speaking or seeing his son, with whom he had such a close relationship before, has been very difficult for him.  We think that he may have reached out because his wife and him may have had a fight and he felt safe enough to finally reach out to his father.  But something must have happened for him to then not respond to his dad again.

Also, a caveat to this - my husband lost his youngest son just two years prior to a drug overdose.  So the loss of his oldest son of his own accord, has been devasting to my husband. Thankfully his oldest daughter stays close to him and is pretty protective of him right now due to this.  His youngest daughter - well, she's 19 and she's in her own world doing her own thing.  His son has also cut off the oldest daughter as well - without any provocation - just out of the blue cut off any/all communication, blocked us all on social media, etc.  It's just been flabbergasting. Especially because this isn't the step son that I know at all. 

His wife has completely isolated him from our side of the family.  And we have no idea why.  My husband has even reached out to my step son's mother to ask her if he is ok and if she has any insight - her responses to him were very short and clipped.  That isn't like her either - I know her to be a very kind and caring person and we used to all got along well. My husband came away from that conversation, asking what the hell is going on?

We are going into our second Christmas season without any contact with my step son and our grandson.  We missed our grandson's 2nd birthday - we have been completely cut off from him which is beyond sad.  We don't know what he looks like now.  We missed seeing him walking and talking, etc...

I know we aren't the only ones going through this - and we are going on and living our lives but there is a deep sense of loss every day.  And no sense as to when or if there will ever reconciliation.  I fear that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to come back from it.  I fear that if anything were to happen to my husband (god forbid!), my step son would never forgive himself (if he is anything like the step son I knew before all of this happened). 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I know this must be really hard for you and your husband, who want more than anything to resume contact.  I think you have a pretty good read on the situation, that your daughter-in-law's BPD behavior is isolating your stepson from his entire family.  My opinion is that you can believe your stepson when he tells you he's sorry for cutting you out, that he loves you and would like to resume contact.  I actually think it's a good sign that your son felt confident enough to reach out again.  But my strong suspicion is that his wife found out about his latest outreach and punished him dearly.  I bet he thought that standing you up was preferable to further punishment and retribution from his wife.  It wouldn't be surprising to me if her BPD behaviors have escalated so much that your stepson believes that placating her (and doing whatever she says) is the only way he can survive right now.  She might have taken over his phone or computer, too.  She could be insisting on monitoring all his correspondence, and she could threaten all sorts of things if your son doesn't obey her.

I'm truly sorry for the pain this has caused you.  My guess is that your son is choosing to prioritize keeping his family together, even if it means he's hurting you to do it.  Just knowing that he's hurting you (and not fulfilling his commitments) probably makes him feel even worse.  I guess if I were in your shoes, I might respond with a text such as, "I'm sorry we weren't able to meet, but we understand you're busy with your young family right now.  We're always here if you need us."  In other words, I'd avoid emotional content, as well as anything that implies criticism, neediness or obligation, so as not to make your son feel any worse than he already does.  Trust me, living with someone with untreated BPD makes him feel guilty enough already.

[CC43]

P.S.

As for why your daughter-in-law has isolated your stepson from his family, the simple reason is that there is no logical reason for doing this.  With BPD, usually the rationale is emotional and convoluted.  She might have decided you are "toxic," because you dared to try to give her son a gift that would upstage her.  She might be jealous of the once close relationship her husband had with his dad.  She might resent any of her husband's attention being spent on anyone else except her; she wants him all for herself.  She might be overwhelmed with motherhood and be jealous of attention her own baby is "stealing" from her.  She might just feel tired all the time, and when she's cranky, she takes it out on her husband.  She might be feeling out of control, and she thinks a way to reclaim control is to control her husband 100% of the time.  Deep down she's extremely insecure and needy; she feels aggrieved, threatened and criticized all the time.

Whatever the reason, it won't make much sense from a purely logical perspective.  With BPD, things tend to be black or white, all bad or all good, all or nothing, all take and no give--in short, there's no compromise.  If you try to reason with her, she just sees that as disrespecting her.  If you provide your perspective, that's rude.  If you talk about your needs (I haven't seen my grandson for over a year . . . ), you're ignoring HER needs.