Adult son with BPD

[CPH73]

This is my first post.  I have a 38 year old son that I believe has BPD.  He has many of the symptoms I have read about.  He cannot hold a job and either quits or is fired.  It is always "their" fault never his own.  He has veery intense views (especially political) and if people don't conform to his way of thinking they are stupid.  He has trouble managing money and makes poor decisions.
My son is on the west coast and we live in North Carolina on the east coast and we only see him about once a year.  I have never broached the subject of a personality disorder and have read that i shouldn't start that conversation.  He will be coming home for Christmas and I certainly don't want him to be anxious, or defiant.  Whhen he is athome with us he tends to socially drink too much at which time he can be quite entertaining.  He drinks beer one after the other until he falls asleep.  I am all for not having a "cocktail hour" while he is here but my husband is not on the same page as I am with this diagnosis.  My husband enjoys having a drink after a long day and I don't think he would be in favor of not enjoying a beverage.  Our son is very opinionated and sees his views as thhe only logical ones.  He will not take any advice from us and does not take criticism well.  He has trouble forming and keeping relationships mainly because he is so oppinionated and obstinate.  He lives alone with his little dog (who means the world to him) I think he has thought suicidal  thoughts but because of the dependency of his dog he would not act on it but it is a constant concern of mine.  I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone else might have any suggestions on how to deaal with this.  He doesn't have anny legal problems that we know of but he is very closed mouth and doesn't volunteer much information.  He keeps his life very close to the vest and doesn't want to share any personal information with us so we are mostly in the dark to his thoughts.  He doesn't seem to know what hee wants out of life as far as his future is concerned.  At the present time we are helping him out finanncially or he would be on the street.  He says he hates the south and doesn't want to come back this way.  I just appreciate the opportunity to reach out and discuss this all with someone.  Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JsMom]

CPH73,
I'm new here as well. There is much understanding, and caring in this community. Just that helps in a big way. You'll read other's stories challenges and successes. The Library has been helpful with advice on communication..  . that I'm just beginning to put into practice. Take care of yourself during this visit. Be sure to love yourself as you're showing love to your son.

[js friend]

Hi Cph73,

I know that it is tempting to tell your son that you suspect he has Bpd because you want him to get the mental help that he needs but It should really be left to the professionals when he himself identifies that he has re-occuring problems that effect his r/s with others.

For me my udd's secrecy was also big issue too and it has been that way since her early teens.  She is now 32yo. A lot of what I learned about the things she did in her teens was often only after the fact and some of the things she did then I would have been jailed for as an adult but luckily for her because of her age at the time they didnt press charges but it has left her with some lasting repercussions that she doesnt know that I know about.No details of her life have ever been shared. Even all her pregnancies (3) I have learned about through other people and when I have asked her she has denied.

Im sorry that you are already feeling anxious about your sons visit. What helped me when I felt that about spending time with my udd was to break the day up. Sometimes 10mins was long enough to feel the tension begin to rise so I would often take a break and go off into another room to do something else or be around others. For you this could be perhaps offering to take turns walking his dog if he brings his pet with him.

I think also having other guests there could also take the pressure off you. My udd has always been close to a particular family member and has really done well in family gatherings if this family member is there as I think she has felt more relaxed. Another time the family member was not there and she ended up starting a physical fight with another family member and attacking me when I tried to break it up.

I also think that other guests can also more effectively steer the conversation away from the topics that get your son fired up, and as your son is a heavy drinker I would make sure to only have a few alcoholic drinks in my home and the rest low alcohol or 0 %. Fingers crossed he wont even notice  it is low or 0% if he has already consumed a lot already.