What Do You Do With All The Gifts?

[codeawsome]

Hello!

I went through a pretty brutal discard around 4 months ago. I unfollowed them, downloaded all the pictures on my phone to a harddrive I don't even remember where it is. However I still have some gifts that she gave me and that I gave her. They're in a box. I just can't move on. I want to so much already. I think I can't kill the fantasy in my head of what once was. It's shocking to me with the brutality I was discarded. Just cold, gone, over text. No coming back.

A part of me wants to burn all the things because of anger. I made a sketchbook for her with we both added to. I have a postcard from her. Some other details. Also a bracelet that she made for me and I wore it all the time. It's just, I can't take all of our memories and in my heart combine it with how she broke up with me. Just in general how she treated me.

I'm not sure what the best move for myself is. When I want to get rid of the things the first thought that comes into my head "Damn so it was all a lie?". I think that's what is holding me back. I just can't accept that it was all essentially a lie. All of it. The good and the bad. It was all just dysfunction. I don't know if they truly loved me like anyone else would.

It was all "JUST" a trauma bond. It was all "JUST" a lie my brain came up with. I know they didn't mean it, they have a mental illness. However right now, their perspective is I'm gone and gone forever. Honestly I don't even want them back truly. I wouldn't accept a charm or anything. I was treated way too wrong for all the effort I put in.

Anyone else have any advice on how to detach? I want to be moved on from her. That fantasy was never real. It was just fake. All of this was fake. I care for her, but I don't know if I love her anymore.

[Rowdy]

4 months isn’t a long time after a breakup with a borderline.
It’s the up and down nature of the relationship that makes it hard to detach, that creates the trauma bond.

I’ve read a few of your threads, and you seem to be quite positive at times, then you let it get to you. This is fairly normal, at least that is how I felt too, and to be honest there are the odd days now and then when I ruminate, try and figure out why it went wrong, but over time those days get less and less.

At times you are probably wondering how you can see a way forward. People tell you that time is a great healer and you think that isn’t true and you will never heal, but it does get easier.

What works for me, is getting out and socialising. Taking up new hobbies, restarting old hobbies. Meeting up with friends and family. Working hard. If I think about my wife now I generally try and look at the negative side of the relationship and how my life is better without her. Flip the script. I spent far too long with the victim mindset but that has now shifted, I now see her as the victim because she is just running away from herself. I see her current boyfriend as the victim because I know how she has treated him, and how she will continue to treat him, not that he is a particularly nice person.

When you are ready, you will be open to a new relationship and if it is with someone mentally stable you will see that your ex has done you a favour. Don’t rush into a new relationship though. If you meet someone you like, get to know them. A relationship with a mentally stable person will seem alien at first, if all you have experienced is a relationship with a borderline. The trauma bond kind of conditions you to the drama, so it takes a while for the brain to adjust to the relative stability of a healthy relationship.

My marriage ended 2 years ago. After a couple of months I went to a local social club (a UK thing, a sort of working man’s bar) with a friend of mine. The lady behind the bar and I hit it off pretty much immediately. We actually went to school together but she didn’t really remember me from school. After a couple of months it was kind of obvious to us both that something was going to happen, but we didn’t act on it as it was far too soon as I had just come out of a 27 year relationship. It wasn’t until 14 months after meeting her that I felt ready enough to start a relationship with her, but we both knew for about a year that we would eventually be together. We have now been together for 9 months and have not had one argument. She treats me with respect, and we are both extremely happy. I can talk to her if I have any concerns or any boundaries and there is no drama. She appreciates everything I do for her, even making her a cup of tea is met with genuine thanks, and she is the loveliest, kindest person I know that has always got a smile on her face, and everyone really likes her. My eldest son said to me after meeting her for the first time she is a better person than his own mother, and my youngest thinks she is really nice too, and I just know she isn’t going to be slagging them off behind my back like their mum does about her boyfriends kids. She is very attractive too which is a bonus.

I too care for my ex. She is the mother of my children after all. But time does heal my friend, even if you can’t see that at the moment, but you will hopefully get to the point where you see that she has done you a favour.

[Under The Bridge]

I echo everything Rowdy has said - get out there and live your life, even though it's incredibly hard for you at the moment, as it was for all of us at the time.

It helps if you constantly remind yourself that the problem was never you. You did your best but were faced with a mental illness which had no rules or logic and there was simply no way to deal with it's destructive nature. The one with BPD couldn't predict what they'd do from one minute to the next so there's no way we could ever hope to deal with it..and zero chance of us ever being able to cure them. We did our best and could do no more.

Time really is a great healer and it will get easier, though we all never totally forget our BPD ex, such was the effect they had on us. A BPD relationship is unlike any other in it's depth and intensity and people who haven't experienced it can never understand what we've been through. I last saw my exBPD 37 years ago.. a hell of a long time but I still think of her and how happy she made me.. but only on her 'normal' days.

I spoke to her sister in law last year and she said she hadn't changed a bit and had now cut off from her family. Though I still think of her, I know for sure that I definitely dodged a bullet and would have suffered much more if we'd stayed together over those 37 years.

Regarding the gifts and souvenirs from your partner, I'd box them up and put them at the back of the cupboard. It may be hard to look at them now but in time you'll be able to without being upset. I threw out photographs of my ex and regret it as now I could look at them objectively for what they were -  part of my life which I would have loved to continue but sadly it didnt happen. I can still see her clearly in my mind though.

Stay strong and focus on yourself. You had a life before you met your partner and you'll have one again.

[Rowdy]

I also agree with under the bridge about boxing the gifts and putting them away somewhere. My relationship lasted nearly 3 decades, and I live in the house we shared which is full of memories and possessions from our time together, but some of the gifts I wouldn’t dream of getting rid of.

One of my most prized possessions is an expensive watch that I wear every day. It was a gift from my wife for my 40th birthday.
I also have several guitars that she bought me for Xmas or birthday presents. She could be very generous, to the extreme sometimes.

I think you are conflicted with your thoughts as to whether the relationship was real or just a lie. It’s an understandable reaction. If your ex was npd there is a chance it was a lie, but with a borderline I believe the love was real. It’s the dysregulation that makes you question if it was real, but emotionally in the moment it likely was. In fact I believe because their love is so intense, and them being with an emotionally stable and healthy person, leads them to think you don’t love them, because your emotions are stable and not dysregulated like theirs are. This in turn leads to the imagined situations in their heads, the accusations of cheating and the fear of abandonment, that then ultimately lead to the discard and running away from what is essentially problems in their own head.

As for the gifts, I believe they are bought with genuine love. I know my wife bought me the guitars because she loved me and knew that I would like them, that they were the best gift she could get me at the time. The problem was, she would tell me I wasn’t romantic, that I didn’t show her I loved her, yet I would try and learn her favourite songs on them, and when I told her I had learnt one of her favourite songs, instead of the reaction I hoped for, she would go off on one and say things like “I wish I had time to sit there for hours and learn to play a new song” which is the dysregulated thinking coming through. Now I can play those guitars whenever I want.

[Me88]

I also agree with under the bridge about boxing the gifts and putting them away somewhere. My relationship lasted nearly 3 decades, and I live in the house we shared which is full of memories and possessions from our time together, but some of the gifts I wouldn’t dream of getting rid of.

One of my most prized possessions is an expensive watch that I wear every day. It was a gift from my wife for my 40th birthday.
I also have several guitars that she bought me for Xmas or birthday presents. She could be very generous, to the extreme sometimes.

I think you are conflicted with your thoughts as to whether the relationship was real or just a lie. It’s an understandable reaction. If your ex was npd there is a chance it was a lie, but with a borderline I believe the love was real. It’s the dysregulation that makes you question if it was real, but emotionally in the moment it likely was. In fact I believe because their love is so intense, and them being with an emotionally stable and healthy person, leads them to think you don’t love them, because your emotions are stable and not dysregulated like theirs are. This in turn leads to the imagined situations in their heads, the accusations of cheating and the fear of abandonment, that then ultimately lead to the discard and running away from what is essentially problems in their own head.

As for the gifts, I believe they are bought with genuine love. I know my wife bought me the guitars because she loved me and knew that I would like them, that they were the best gift she could get me at the time. The problem was, she would tell me I wasn’t romantic, that I didn’t show her I loved her, yet I would try and learn her favourite songs on them, and when I told her I had learnt one of her favourite songs, instead of the reaction I hoped for, she would go off on one and say things like “I wish I had time to sit there for hours and learn to play a new song” which is the dysregulated thinking coming through. Now I can play those guitars whenever I want.

On the flip side I'm a relatively emotional guy. I work with my bpd ex, I still live in the house we shared, same bed, same everything pretty much. That has slowed my healing by 100%. I absolutely threw out tons of things she got me that reminded me of her. Plus she took many of our things when she left that I wish stayed. Of course I keep things I NEED like power tools and things like that. For someone like me to heal, I need legitimate 'no contact' and that happens to be with inanimate objects as well. I threw out photo albums and deleted every photo of her/us the very next day. My heart is too big and my brain is too small. Alas, we'll all make it to the other side.

[once removed]

When I want to get rid of the things the first thought that comes into my head "Damn so it was all a lie?". I think that's what is holding me back. I just can't accept that it was all essentially a lie. All of it.

why do you believe this?

[Me88]

why do you believe this?

This is a tricky point. Because as we all know, there was idealization and amazing times initially. When they were head over heels for you, it was 'real'. They thought you were flawless and all felt real. As soon as they realize you're a human and make mistakes, the love/hate starts.

So while it was 'real', it wasn't ever anything permanent. From what I experienced, the slate is always cleaned at every turn. Good things are erased and bad things are never forgotten. For something to be real, my mind tells me it should be constant. While I'm so angry with how I was treated, I don't regret the love I gave and showed.

[Under The Bridge]

From what I experienced, the slate is always cleaned at every turn.

That's a great way to put it. I often thought it was like being with someone who has that medical condition where they can't hold a memory for long and have to constantly re-learn everything.

The sheer illogicality of BPD was the biggest problem; nothing ran 'normally' as you'd expect it to - ie if you're nice to them then they're bound to be nice back to you. If I could turn the clock back I'd still meet her... but knowing what I know now I woudn't have kept chasing her for four years; her first BPD outburst after a few weeks would have been the last.

Funnily enough, I still have a feeling that I will meet her again in person though.. and when I get feelings like that they often come true. I still have a mental picture of her aged 32, when I last saw her. She'll be 70 next year!

[Me88]

That's a great way to put it. I often thought it was like being with someone who has that medical condition where they can't hold a memory for long and have to constantly re-learn everything.

The sheer illogicality of BPD was the biggest problem; nothing ran 'normally' as you'd expect it to - ie if you're nice to them then they're bound to be nice back to you. If I could turn the clock back I'd still meet her... but knowing what I know now I woudn't have kept chasing her for four years; her first BPD outburst after a few weeks would have been the last.

Funnily enough, I still have a feeling that I will meet her again in person though.. and when I get feelings like that they often come true. I still have a mental picture of her aged 32, when I last saw her. She'll be 70 next year!

predictably unpredictable. zero logic. I wouldn't meet mine again, but that's because it started so bad; she was engaged, was flirting with me, her fiance found it, I understood and dropped her. I didn't know she was engaged. But a couple months later she came back saying she left him. We literally started dating immediately, she hadn't even moved out yet. I made sure she did. Sex immediately, literally. Shouldn't have been blinded but I was single for a year before meeting her. And looking back, literally NOTHING would have regulated her. Those goal posts moved so fast they could win a gold medal. I pray I never see mine again.