Losing myself while trying to stay connected

[guappi]

Hello everyone,

I’m new here and a bit nervous writing this, but I feel the need to reach out.

I’m here because I’m in a relationship with someone I care deeply about, who struggles with emotional regulation and patterns that make closeness and distance very complex. I don’t want to label or blame — I’m trying to understand what is happening between us, and also what happens in me.

Over time, I’ve noticed how easily I lose myself in the effort to stay connected. I tend to wait, to adapt, to explain, to hope — and slowly I lose my own ground. What hurts most is not conflict itself, but uncertainty and the absence of mutual clarity. I need perspective to feel alive and oriented in life, and when that disappears, I slowly disappear too.

I’m not here to demonize my partner. I care deeply, and there is real love. But I’m beginning to see that love alone is not always enough to create safety, reciprocity or stability. I’m trying to learn how to stay compassionate without abandoning myself.

I’m here to listen, to learn, and to understand:

how others have navigated relationships where closeness and autonomy clash

how to recognize when care turns into self-erasure

how to hold empathy without losing direction or dignity

I believe connection matters deeply — but so does self-respect and inner steadiness.

Thank you for being here. It already helps to know I’m not alone in this.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[mitochondrium]

Hi guappi and welcome!

What you write about is exactly what I struggle with the most. I am sorry, but I think that real safe emotional intimacy is not possible with a person with bpd traits, I also read it here on the forum more times, I also remember a quote from author of the book Stop caretaking of Borderline or Narcissist, Fjelstadt, I will try to find it.
My bf has bpd traits and luckliky he is on medication which helped him a lot with emotional dysregulation, so rage does not happen that often anymore. However, it is still not possible for us to have true emotional intimacy. I will list some examples, maybe they will be familiar to you and I will describe how I try to cope with it. I hope some other members will also voice their oppinions on this interesting and hard topic.

For example it is very hard for me to tell my bf about my thoughts/feelings/problems, because if we dont agree the debate can escalate in minutes, he tries to “win” the “argument” and gets very agressive, but percieves me as such (projection). I feel like I am not alowed to have my own oppinion and if I voice that, he says that it is the other way around that I am the one trying to convince him to change his mind, although my usuall approach to try to stop the conversation is in lets agree to disagree. When I manage a better approach is to validate his oppinion a lot (although he dysvalidates mine) and then cautiously tell my oppinion still and do not loose myself and he feels heard.
When I tell him about my problems it can happen that he gets nervous very fast, his usuall approach is to find something in my communication and accuse me of “not telling the problem correctly”, like that I was not clear enough. This makes my head

[mitochondrium]

…explode. When we get over this how the problem was told etc. he can tell me what according to him the best approach to save the problem is and if I want to debate this approach it is not possible, he gets offended that I dont like his advice. What helps here is again great validation of his oppinion and then moving on. I noticed it also helps a lot if I tell him in advance that I would like him to just listen to me that I will describe a problem I have - maybe this is putting some preassure away.
Lastly speaking of emotion, or why some situation is hard for me and what I feel can get me in totally devaluated position like: oh, it is nothing, you should not feel that way, if you feel that way you should start taking antidepressants like me. Which I find absurd, but I came to realise his understanding of emotions is practically nonexistent and he just wants it to be the same. Here again it helps if I tell him I just want him to listen to me, not solve anything.

Altogether I think that also the timing is very important, I cannot just start these conversations whenever, he MUST be totally regulated. If I misread the situation it backfires. Luckilly I got better in identifying appropriate situations and also at managing my part of communication which is adapted to bpd. However, it is not possible to get the situations right all the time and it is also not possible to always stay in this adapted kind of conversation, we are humans too.

What disrupts my filling of intimacy and emotional connection is also this neverending possibility that at any time a minimal trigger can (and sometimes will) happen that can trigger such rage followed by bad mood that can cause the whole day to be ruined. My boyfriend just cannot get out of this mood even if the argument is over, and I am talking about a MOOD, not just being a bit sour. This brings me a lot of fear and uncertainty, same things can be ok one day and a total disater the other day. I try to practice radical acceptance - bpd is a psychiatric illness and when a person is dysregulated cannot help themself (to some extent), like I would not be angry if a person with epilepsy would have a seizire. I admit it is sometimes still hard, but I got much better at knowing that the things he says when dysregualtes are not true. I try not to J.A.D.E. as it only brings more conflict. And importantily, even if his day stops, I try that mine does not. Boundaries help a lot.

If the argument allready started I find it helpfull to try to valodate what is valid, that can bring us back before totall rage takes place sometimes.

It still hurts me sometimes how I am always the one who has to listen, adapt my communication, validate and sometimes everything I get back is some semi peace. I still have to work on radical acceptance. I regained some intimacy with timing when I tell him the things important to me and comunicationg them as I stated. But hinestly it took a lot of arguing that I got this boundary that sometimes I also have to be listend to. The things that are not important to me and I know would bring an argument I try to avoid at all cost - for us this is politics.

Reading this forum and lessons on this site helped me a lot in learning. From what you have written with a lot of causon and political corectness and how you would like to help, I suspect you might be a cartaker, like a lot of us in a relationship with pwBPD - it is a force of nature. I find a book Stop caretaking Borderline or Narcissist very helpful. A basic book about bpd is Stop waliking on eggshells. Both books explain how not to loose yourself in this kind of relationship.

I found some old thread that might be helpful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.0

And also this one, has a quote from Fjelstad: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?PHPSESSID=65a4c6da6a8eaa3826d2bbdff3aa4aff&topic=3059235.msg13220922

Please dont forget that you can only change yourself, but that also changes the relationship for the better.