Pain and doubts creeping back in

[bus boy]

I read lots of posts, one thing I often read is the silence is deadly. It is eating me up, I've worked so hard did so much emotional detaching. I am slipping back, it's close to 2 years since my replacement, I should rejoice but I'm not. A good friend of my replacement told me that my replacement was 40 going on 12, said he was very childish, that doesn't comfort me, they are a firm solid couple something I never had with Xw, she kept me off balance all the time, never expressed any stability in our r/s just threats and emotional abuse and if things were going smooth she would remind me it's never going to be smooth until I did something about my family and her silence is killing me, I don't expect us to have conversations but there is total radio silence, not even a how are things? Or a hi when she texts to make changes to s10's access. My sister has a very good r/s with the father of her oldest child and he gets along with my sisters husband. I understand the concept of Xw having a disorder but it is hard for me to accept being a total nothing and the hurt of how Xw looks at my replacement as more of a father in my sons life is hurting me. Xw looks at me as non existing in her and s10's life. I wanted a family so bad and she dangled it in front of me knowing she was never going to give me a family and makes a family for my son with my replacement.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Some things to think about. . .

It is probably working with the replacement because he is a bit juvenile. I look back on my history with ex and realize that when we got together 20 years ago, we were both pretty immature. I grew up and he didn't. If she is getting along with a guy that is so immature, that means that she is pretty immature too. That isn't a reason for you to doubt yourself.

Also, don't assume that everything is great and wonderful in those other relationships. Just because you are hearing that things are going well does not mean that is the way it is. My ex has a very distorted view of "good". He can tell others that things are great with him and the kids or great with me and him and that is the farthest thing from the truth. Heck, I know that when I was still in heavy denial, I put up a good front. It is a defense mechanism.

[bus boy]

Thanks voc, my replacement is childish, Xw is a child when it comes to emotional issues. Xw has a disorder and I know I've been split black and discarded for good but lately it's her silence that is tearing me up. I can't grasp totally putting someone out of your life with no more thought Thant throwing out trash. I am trying hard to deal with the silent treatment but it seems to be getting the best of me slow but sure.

[vortex of confusion]

I can't grasp totally putting someone out of your life with no more thought Thant throwing out trash. I am trying hard to deal with the silent treatment but it seems to be getting the best of me slow but sure.

Part of the disorder is treating people as objects. I used to think I was crazy for feeling like nothing more than an object to ex. I have said more times than I can count, it feels like he threw me away. How could he throw me away like that?

How long has she been giving you the silent treatment? Has she been doing it the entire 2 years or is this something new?

There are times when it feels like ex does things because he has figured out that it bothers me. Kind of like how a little kid likes to push buttons to see if they can get a response. Is there anything you can do to take your mind off of the pain?

[LilMe]

I don't post much, but read a lot.  I am so sorry for what you are going through, bus boy.  Coming to terms with the abuse and leaving my uBPD is the hardest thing I have ever been through, and I have been through a lot in my life!  I am sure there are others here who read your posts and are praying for you and your son

[bus boy]

Hi vof, it's been the 2 years except for a few times she called about s10's access. When I was replaced, Xw told me I was never allowed in her ever again unless I was invited in. I know I'm better off not going in to get s10 but it's the deep emotionally abusive message I got out of her statement. The only other times Xw spoke was to emotionally belittle me and give me the finger, Xw and my replacement even stopped in front of me and made faces at me like children. Maybe I'm going through a phase in recovery and feel mixed up.

[bus boy]

Thank you LilMe, God bless you for what you have endured, my prayers go out to those who are suffering.

[enlighten me]

Thanks voc, my replacement is childish, Xw is a child when it comes to emotional issues. Xw has a disorder and I know I've been split black and discarded for good but lately it's her silence that is tearing me up. I can't grasp totally putting someone out of your life with no more thought Thant throwing out trash. I am trying hard to deal with the silent treatment but it seems to be getting the best of me slow but sure.

Hi Busboy

Its hard when they try to make it as if you never existed. You might be confused as to why he is surviving and I have a thought on it. My exgf is very good with the children. She is the voice of authority and everything she says is taken as true. This means that she doesn't get insecure and triggered by making mistakes. In an adult relationship we can pick them up if they lie or get something wrong so its hard work for them. Maybe her new partner is emotionally immature and she is actually mothering him. The only other time a BPD relationship last is when the partner takes on a parental figure and dominates them in the way that a parent is in control of a child. I hope this helps.

[bus boy]

HI enlighten me, thank you, it does help. Now I am recalling how Xw use to belittle me and talk to me like a child. She tried to make me look in public what her inner image was of me. My replacement is divorced, lost his house, probably had to claim bankruptcy, credit is probably gone for several years, he is someone Xw can control. I am trying to be more greatful that I don't live like that anymore but it mentally difficult to, on the outside of course to see Xw getting along in her r/s and I couldn't make it happen and that horrible feeling of the silent treatment.

[enlighten me]

We can feel like failures but the reality is somethings cannot be sorted out no matter how good we are. Its especially hard when its thrown in our faces that we were a failure. I used to beat myself up about it but I realise that it was an impossible task. Id have more chance of counting grains of sand on a beach than of having made the relationship with my exgf work.

[Duped 1]

We can feel like failures but the reality is somethings cannot be sorted out no matter how good we are. Its especially hard when its thrown in our faces that we were a failure. I used to beat myself up about it but I realise that it was an impossible task. Id have more chance of counting grains of sand on a beach than of having made the relationship with my exgf work.

DITTO!

[bus boy]

Yes and if we did manage to count every grain of sand on the beach, in there eyes we still would of done it wrong.