Raked over the coals

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just got royally raked over the coals.  It's amazing how, after everything I know and can share with others, that still makes me cry. I will say that I didn't get as terribly upset as I have in the past -- so that's good.  But I did get into a little back and forth and did get angry and sad at the same time.  And I got resentful -- which never works out well, because then I participate in the nastiness (at a ratio of about 100: 1, but nonetheless.) It's interesting that once I got myself out of it, it all looked a little different to me -- not that it was less attacking but that I had more sympathy for myself and how hard this has been to handle and also a more sympathy for her -- not that that excuses what was said.

Sigh.  Be well, all. 

[wantmorepeace]

Just got royally raked over the coals.  It's amazing how, after everything I know and can share with others, that still makes me cry. I will say that I didn't get as terribly upset as I have in the past -- so that's good.  But I did get into a little back and forth and did get angry and sad at the same time.  And I got resentful -- which never works out well, because then I participate in the nastiness (at a ratio of about 100: 1, but nonetheless.) It's interesting that once I got myself out of it, it all looked a little different to me -- not that it was less attacking but that I had more sympathy for myself and how hard this has been to handle and also a more sympathy for her -- not that that excuses what was said.

Sigh.  Be well, all. 

[CC43]

Hi,

I can relate to the seesaw of emotions.  On the one hand, rationally I know that the latest lashing out is a reflection of the pwBPD's stress level.  I genuinely feel sorry for all her pain and feelings of inferiority/alienation/discontent/jealousy.  Her thinking seems extremely distorted--all she sees are faults and grievances, kicking her emotions into overdrive at the slightest "provocation."  It must be exhausting for her to live with such a negative mindset all the time.  And yet, on the other hand, I feel it is NO EXCUSE for her to be so mean, especially towards the very people who have gone above and beyond to be understanding, patient and supportive.  Just because she's in distress doesn't give her the right to inflict pain on family members for years on end, and it shouldn't be the foundation for the relationship.  You need to recognize that it's not your role to be your sibling's punching bag, because you don't deserve it, and it won't make your sibling feel any better anyway!

I'd say, just delete the message like spam, hang up or leave the room.  Let your sibling work out her ill feelings by herself or with a therapist.  If she can't be civil, then you leave her alone.

One of my lightbulb moments was when I uttered once, "There's nothing I can say to make it better."    It's true.  Deep down, I think even the pwBPD would agree with that.  They don't want an explanation or an apology; they don't want to understand context or perspective; they don't seek resolution or compromise; they don't want to learn from the situation; they don't want a mutual commitment to do better; they don't want a promise that the future will look brighter.  They want to be upset and to lash out, while blaming or disparaging others, in a futile attempt to make themselves feel better through someone else's pain.  In fact, I think they know full well that they're acting like total jerks, it's just they can't control it, not when they're riled up.  It's not your job to control your sibling's emotions.

[ForeverDad]

Like so much else in life, learning is a process, not an event.  One step back hurts, but it's not too bad as long as we're also making two steps forward.