Stuggling

[Figuringitout78]

I'm just really struggling today. It's increadible how it seems to come in waves. My thoughts have been so clear recently, that there was nothing I could of done to prevent everything that happened to me with my exBPDgf. i had a lot of guilt tied into the evening it all came to angrinding halt, after the last recycle, that if I'd only of understood how to deal with BPD back then I could of handled things differently. Instead I reacted for the first time and I said a lot of things to her that I regret, even though at the heart of it those things were true, but her behaviour at that point was so appalling and I felt so let down, I reacted. I basically held a mirror up to her face and told her in detail about all her unreasonable  behaviour.

In a normal relationship, when someone provokes someone to that extent there is usually a cooling off period followed by some talking and maybe apologies. After all this was the first time I'd reacted so verbally - and whilst I admit the things I said were very harsh, I was really pushed into a corner. The result is she has 100% painted me black and removed any trace of me out of her life. There was so many recycling attempts before this last time. Previously when she had acted badly I just walked away, upset but with my head held high,and within a few days there was always an email, phonecall or text from her saying she had made the biggest mistake and wanted to try again. On this occasion deep down I kind of hoped the same would happen - after a few days I tried to simmer everything down, but got the most abusive messages back - the last one simply said "leave me alone". At that point I went no contact, it was a few days after the initial argument and I've now been NC about 9/10 weeks.

I guess the problem is that whilst I've been working on myself there was obviously a glimmer of hope deep down that her anger would subside and that I would hear something from her. I just hoped I would be in a strong enough place when that happened to tell her I could no longer be in such an abusive relationship. I have felt a lot stronger and clearer recently - but I guess it hits me every now and again - that she has obviously painted me black this time and she is gone for good. I guess I find it hard to rationalise that this person who used to phone me 6 times a day, whenever she needed to speak to someone, which was all the time, whenever she was feeling uneasy, there was an issue or she needed attention - just one day decided to drop me from her life and never speak to me again. On the one hand I know I'm probably lucky - reading some of the horror stories on here. I know she's no good for me and can't care for anyone but herself - I just can't help missing her and what we had sometimes. I don't even know anymore if what we had was real. I guess I need to believe it was. I know I touched something inside of her that she just couldn't deal with, I guess I continue to grieve for that at times. I think I also struggle to understand how someone who displayed such irrational behaviour, and at times could be so needy - seems to be being completely rational when it comes down to deciding to delete me from her life and never speaking to me again.

Today is the first time in a long while I've wanted to make contact - even though I know that nothing good can come from it. Like other days I will fight it. Today seems to be a real struggle.

[roberto516]

I can't stress enough how much this resonates with me. But what I didn't see was that each time I came back it just gave her more control over me so there was no need to work on the relationship. So when I finally left and didn't come back right away she disassociated and moved on. Although she really hasn't moved on. She's just suppressed her uncomfortable emotions and is "working on herself" but in reality she is just trying to stay in control so her identity crisis/uncomfortable feelings don't emerge.

I mean hell, the only time she has reached out to in the past 5 weeks was when she felt lonely and wanted me to get her drugs. Then she was the sweetest person in the world. And I too said alot of mean things which definitely now has me painted all black. I held the mirror up and called her a borderline and how she is fearing abandonment and that's why she left. I regret it because she probably would have come back.

But it wouldn't have worked. She showed no willingness or genuine effort to hear my concerns and work on them. It was always about her. And since I can't give her what she wants anymore it's over. And she also called me all the time and sought me out for emotional support when things got tough. But it's their psyche. They do it because they can get something out of you. Not because they actually care about you. Because when roles are reversed they can't do it.

[Kelli Cornett]

I said nothing mean. I never went to her level
When she raged I wouldn't engage
At most I'd look at her directly and calmly and ask "what are you doing?"
I held boundaries and during the rages I didn't take things personally

It didn't matter - it isn't about us
I can imagine if we had lived closer or been together longer than 4 months I probably too would have said things I regret (heavens knows the myriad of emotions and thoughts I had in my head)

This is what they do and it is who they are
As much as the good they have there is this too

While it's helpful to understand the disorder  that understanding is for us and our healing but be careful not to dillude yourself into thinking this disorder isn't part of them as well - it isn't separate

You can't have an open dialogue about feelings
You can't reasonably work things out like in a regular relationship
You can't restore trust in a vacuum

We all want our BPDs to change so we can have the good parts
But loving someone is accepting them for who they are as is

And I believe not one of us can honestly say we don't want them to change

They will be ok they have been built for this it's what they know and they have the armory to deal with it

The world we live in and the relationships we imagine and want would be like hell for them - like living on an alien planet with a thousand razor blades and unable to speak the language

Let them go with love
Wish them well and wish them away
They will hurt you even if they don't want to
Don't let them for your sake as well as there's

[mar356]

My friend I know the pain you're feeling.  The good news is once you except it as a learning experience you do come out a much stronger person and know what to look for moving forward.  It is very bittersweet.  When you're having your up and down moments always side with the logic/reasoning side and think of the negative traits the partner had... This helps.

[Mutt]

Hi Figuringitout78,

I'd like to touch on something that brahmin said, you're ex is who she is. I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder, it's an important part of our healing because it helps us understand why our pwBPD acted the way that they acted, that way we can depersonalize the behaviors and learn to become indifferent to them because the behaviors are not about us, they're about what our pwBPD are going through internally.

I 'd also like to touch on change and how some of us wanted to-do our pwBPD to change, there are only two things that we have control over and that is our thoughts and feelings. A feeling that sticks out for me in your post Figuringitout78 is resentment and I think that feeling is normal and i'm sure that a lot of members here can relate with it. I'm speaking for myself when I say this but it was frustrating when the things that I tried in the r/s failed or how I was invalidated in the r/s for trying different things. These feelings percolate for us just underneath the surface and they tend to spill over because we're not validating them and we're setting expectations on a partner that is suffering from a life long mental illness and has social impairments with r/s's.

We were in an erratic r/s where the person is not interested in trying to repair the r/s, BPD is chaotic interpersonal r/s's, it's the nature of the disorder, she is who she is, don't take it personally, most of us are not professionals and we're trained with coping skills for personality disorders. Therapists may see a client with BPD for a few hours a week and we were in it 24/7/365. Our pwBPD also knew what buttons to press and they would push all of them. As mar356 said, regardless if our exes have a personality disorder or not, a r/s are many transactions over and over with someone and a r s reflects back a realistic picture about ourselves with what we put out there in the world.

There's a a lot that we can learn about ourselves, you're self reflecting, you're doing good, just don't beat yourself up in the process.,

[Figuringitout78]

Thanks for all the comments. I'm not beating myself up as such ... .or maybe I am. I just can not fathom how things distergrated so quickly. There is a very rational side of me that understands that I was always going to end up I. This situation. I think back to particular episodes when her behaviour was way out and very wrong, and I know now that most normal people wouldn't put up with it. I knew she was struggling with lots of things, I just didn't realise it was BPD until after. She always said the the thing she loved about me was how patient and understanding I was with her. But this also meant she would try and push me harder everytime. I can't help but feel I let myself down the last time we spoke because she pushed me to such a degree I responded for the first time, and though the things I said were actually the truth, I should of realised that she wouldn't be able to cope with hearing these things. So on the one hand I realise that I always would of ended up here, but on the other hand I wish that I would have just left her place, gone home, and turned off my phone and not responded for a day or so - and if I had I know that we would of been in a different place now. Instead she has painted me black - I haven't been given the opportunity to rectify anything and I have been deleted from her life like I never existed.

I read all these things about BPD - and as I said in a previous post I am 100% sure she is BPD amongst other things - there was an awful lot going on with her. I have never seen for instance someone display such bad sleep terrors, screaming and shouting in their sleep to the point i had to grab her and hold her and tell her it was going to be ok. It suggested tonne there was a huge trauma she was dealing with, and I figured she would get there in her own time. The problem is the more I read about BPD, the more I have to face into the fact that I was manipulated and used and that it wasn't real. But I know... .at least I was certain at the time, that I had touched her very deeply inside, and that I had given her more love, patience and care than she had received in a very long time. I find it hard to believe that in an instant that has all been forgotten. No matter what this illness is I have to believe you can still touch somenone deeply, and I need to believe that somewhere inside her, there is some kind of memory of that. I guess i find it hard to believe it was something that wasn't real in its entirety. Like I said, I have had ups and downs and recently a lot of clarity but today I miss her and today I'm struggling and wondering how I was so easy to remove from her life.

[roberto516]

Thanks for all the comments. I'm not beating myself up as such ... .or maybe I am. I just can not fathom how things distergrated so quickly. There is a very rational side of me that understands that I was always going to end up I. This situation. I think back to particular episodes when her behaviour was way out and very wrong, and I know now that most normal people wouldn't put up with it. I knew she was struggling with lots of things, I just didn't realise it was BPD until after. She always said the the thing she loved about me was how patient and understanding I was with her. But this also meant she would try and push me harder everytime. I can't help but feel I let myself down the last time we spoke because she pushed me to such a degree I responded for the first time, and though the things I said were actually the truth, I should of realised that she wouldn't be able to cope with hearing these things. So on the one hand I realise that I always would of ended up here, but on the other hand I wish that I would have just left her place, gone home, and turned off my phone and not responded for a day or so - and if I had I know that we would of been in a different place now. Instead she has painted me black - I haven't been given the opportunity to rectify anything and I have been deleted from her life like I never existed.

I read all these things about BPD - and as I said in a previous post I am 100% sure she is BPD amongst other things - there was an awful lot going on with her. I have never seen for instance someone display such bad sleep terrors, screaming and shouting in their sleep to the point i had to grab her and hold her and tell her it was going to be ok. It suggested tonne there was a huge trauma she was dealing with, and I figured she would get there in her own time. The problem is the more I read about BPD, the more I have to face into the fact that I was manipulated and used and that it wasn't real. But I know... .at least I was certain at the time, that I had touched her very deeply inside, and that I had given her more love, patience and care than she had received in a very long time. I find it hard to believe that in an instant that has all been forgotten. No matter what this illness is I have to believe you can still touch somenone deeply, and I need to believe that somewhere inside her, there is some kind of memory of that. I guess i find it hard to believe it was something that wasn't real in its entirety. Like I said, I have had ups and downs and recently a lot of clarity but today I miss her and today I'm struggling and wondering how I was so easy to remove from her life.

That's so true the part about it would have been different if I just remained calm. I drank on a Friday and was upset that she went to lay down after we both agreed to watch a movie together. Then I said I felt alone and she made love to me. Then I said I didn't feel a connection, and the next day I walked out. I know these feelings were valid, but I can't help but think what could have happened if I walked in the next day and said "I'm sorry and I love you." I think I'm beginning to be more angry at myself for not being in control. But I can't control that. And it's what I have to accept. Work on myself to not do this again. But I might regret that I felt she was the one.